ex's parents/friends think I have NPD. Confused & need to sort my head out.

[Anna1976]

Split with partner of 7 years last year, moved out, got back together at Christmas, then split for good and moved away. However we have remained friends and miss each other. We still have the capacity to shock and hurt each other too though.

Phonecall this evening: apparently the reason his sister/friends/parents never liked me, thought I was a selfish bitch, was because it was always all about me, my career, my problems, my dislikes, my hobbies, my enthusiasms. They think I am selfish, narcissistic and manipulative, have no insight into what others think of me and show a shocking level of not caring about other people.

Looking back, I was absorbed in my career (partly because it was an escape from my frankly pretty horrible family), then I was really worried because my career had burnt out and I had no idea what to do next. When ex's family and friends saw me, they saw me "back home" when I was being harrassed by my family. So I would have appeared self-absorbed, with little to talk about other than my own career or interests, because I shared little in common with ex's family and friends, had no gossip to relate, and had no interest in discussing my own circumstances other than career stuff.

I already knew some of ex's friends loathed me because they thought I was a "barren selfish bitch" for not "giving" him children. I never bothered relating to these people that it was because the relationship wasn't in a good enough state. Some of them knew I didn't want children because i was terrified of repeating my own miserable childhood. And that was why I was relatively hands-off with their kids - not active dislike, just wariness.

But does that make me manipulative? NPD?
Ex knows there is a difference between "tied up in busy work schedule and trying to escape unhappiness" and "selfish manipulative narcissist". So I wonder what other behaviours I have unwittingly managed to use to demonstrate that I am a fruitloop.

Anyone able to help me clear my head?

Meid, Branleuse, NicknameTaken - thanks

MN is always so good for giveing me the kick up the bum that i need, brushing out the mental cobwebs, and making me feel empowered to get on with life. I luv yaz all

Baroness - am not saying too much there as I am quite identifiable by my history. But if i meet up with people identifiability doesn't really matter I guess.

Thanks for the thoughts re kids. Yes I've had those reactions a lot...

(oh crap. Sorry Loulybelle, missed your post. Thanks for your thoughts too)

There's something to be said for being with people who like you for who you are, 'faults' and all.

If you've had a disordered childhood, the deeply held belief is that if only we were different, things would be better. But that's a lie. You don't have to adjust in order to be acceptable. yy we all adjust in a general sense but in a raised-awareness way, not fundamentally. If you're not liked for who you are then you're with the wrong people.

His family - or he - sounds horrible. I am truly astonished that anyone would use the vicious word 'barren' in your presence, to your face.

I am interested that you can see the join between an ASD dx and, possibly, behaviour that was learnt simply to make sense of confusion, to create a place of safety. I identify with that.

I would say, along with pp's, that if you are wondering if there is something wrong with you then you can't be a narcissist.

As someone else said above, if you were a narcissist, you wouldn't be worried about it. You would either disbelieve them or be proud of your narcissism.

The problem with narcissists is they are unable to entertain the idea that they have any faults at all. Clearly, that is not the case with you.

Maybe you have been a bitch of some sort, but you don't have a personality disorder.

I know one person with diagnosed NPD. I know another I am convinced has undiagnosed.

You are nothing like them. Their delusional smugness, all round nastiness and self-righteous indignation when anyone is critical... they just come over as horrified when anyone doesn't fall into the exact place they want, need and expect of them, in a way you don't. At all. I don't see any way on the planet you could be NPD.

You do sound unhappy, though, and I think asking for a counselling referral would be good. And don't stay in touch with this guy. Nobody, NOBODY, thinks telling someone "everyone" thought them NPD wouldn't hurt. There's no way that can casually slip out. Whether conscious or not, he wanted to hurt you, and badly.

Katy - it's entirely possible i've been a bitch of some sort. I'm not the world's most welcoming person. These days I freeze up in social situations and sit there worrying about interacting; in the past I didn't freeze up enough and probably sounded like a total loon.

Thanks to everyone for reassuring me that while I may be self-centred and in need of counselling and sorting my head out, I'm not suffering from NPD.

Anna, i freeze up sometimes, and i dont like people in my personal space, and i hate praise, it embarasses me, so maybe you just sometimes arent comfortable.

This may not be relevant to this thread but actually it's not true at all that people with a dx of NPD never admit to having an issue and don't worry about having NPD. I have seen several who HATE it and wish they could be different, and work bloody hard on themselves in therapy to try and achieve this. They feel like monsters and sub human, which is terrible and complete rubbish, they're just people like you and me who have been let down by inadequate and inappropriate parenting.

It does piss me off how demonised they are on these threads, actually it wouldn't surprise me if the mother/sisters/friends concerned are mnetters!

In answer to your question OP, it does sound unlikely that you have NPD and more likely that your ASD means you sometimes struggle with Theory of Mind stuff and might mean you come across as awkward socially. Nothing to do with narcissism, although certain traits CAN (not necessarily though) be present in both such as a lack of empathy and a distinct lack of interest in other people's feelings/wants/needs etc.

But at the end of the day, if this guy makes you feel shit about yourself then don't stay in touch with him. You're not obligated to.

If you're not liked for who you are then you're with the wrong people.

Thank you, springy, I am adopting this as my new motto!

oh that's an absolute pleasure Nickname!

Oh and Anna, we're all self-centred. Every one. On the planet. We're socialised to cover it up and, yes, we do put other people first sometimes, but it doesn't come naturally - except, probably, with our children. And on the rare occasion sometimes with our spouse. There are a few 'selfless' people about, who do amazing things for other people/causes but they're in the minority. imo.

It sounds like you've been accused and believed it. Back up a bit here - it doesn't sound like you're the one who is selfish, self-absorbed etc. xx

Thanks all.

JaceyBee - that was what was in my mind: that it's possible to want to change once you develop the insight that your behaviours are not productive.

I have worked hard on changing from presenting a fairly "aspie" un-self-aware self to the world, to coming across as "normal" as possible. I appreciate my inborn ability to concentrate deeply on one thing. I don't appreciate my inborn inability to empathize with others or see outside the tunnel vision. I now actively check whether I'm applying tunnel vision to analyzing a situation, before I react.

So I was thinking that if there are self-checks I can perform in order to come across as less self-centred, then it makes sense to learn them and apply them.

Anna1976 - I also have a diagnosis of ASD and you sound very much like myself. I'm also struggling a bit with this social stuff too right now. I find myself constantly worrying about how normal I can appear and it must look very self centered to others. It's hard work meeting and socialising with new people, isn't it?

IamMrsJones - yes it sure is. hope you find situations where you don't have to struggle!