Pregnant and having relationship problems :(

[Alias78]

I'm 22 weeks pregnant, been married a year and I feel so upset and angry that I can't seem to get anything right at the moment. I'm suffering from a lot of anxiety and OCD in this pregnancy (I'm "high risk" with various health problems and desperate to keep the pregnancy safe) and and I'm having therapy to overcome it. My behaviour is difficult and I don't blame my DH for resenting me. The OCD in particular is very stressful for both of us. I am insecure and need a lot of reassurance from him most of the time. I have a huge problem with him going out drinking (which doesn't happen very often tbh) and I just get on his case about it When it does happen. My DF was a drug addict and DH has close friends who take drugs and it makes me very anxious and worried when hes out with them. It's causing major rifts, him feeling trapped and I'm scared he's going to leave me. I wish I could just keep my mouth shut sometimes and not be so controlling.

I'm not sure anyone can help me or if this post even makes sense, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Is him going out with his friends who take drugs happening more frequently than him going out drinking? Or is your anxiety basically happening in between the nights out, in anticipation of the next one?

Is your therapist giving you any techniques to deal with the anxiety/OCD?

It sounds like a very stressful time, is there any way you could get just a couple of weeks without outside stressors to see if you can get back on an even keel?

My anxiety builds up if I know he's got a night out coming up. Whether its with his "druggy" friends or just friends who like to drink a lot. Then when he's out I start imagining him coming home legless or off his face and I get v anxious at that thought (I spent a great deal of my youth dreading the state my DF would come home in). The reality is, yes sometimes he does come home pissed, bumbles around the flat a bit then sleeps it off. Unless I pick a fight that is, then all hell breaks loose, major rows ensue etc.

My therapist has given me some techniques to help with the OCD but DH has to sort of "follow the rules" too - my fears are around food contamination and he does most of the cooking, so he needs to be involved too. And sometimes he forgets the techniques and then I get upset and the rows start.

I am so stressed, overwhelmed by the pg (although this little baby is very, very wanted), worried about my health and trying to keep on top of the OCD voice in my head all the time.

I used to be a carefree, fun person. I'm now just in fear everyday and I'm so frustrated I can't just relax and be more easy going. I hate the person I've become :(

It sounds very difficult - a pregnancy with health problems (and presumably you can't take meds for your mental health needs at the mo) is overwhelming for anyone.

Is there a reason why he does the cooking when the food contamination fears are yours? Are you not able to do the cooking precisely because of the fears? I'm wondering if there is a way of reducing the stress in this area, even by just eating a very plain diet so there is less to worry about.

With the nights out would it be easier if he stayed over at a friend's so you didn't have to worry about him coming home drunk? Presumably he appreciates that this is a reaction to your childhood trauma and thus very difficult behaviour for you to un-learn.

I think you may both find becoming parents quite a big adjustment, to be honest, and he could do with thinking how best to support you through the current, major upheaval in your physical and mental state. Whilst it's understandable that you wish you could just relax, thinking that is going to have the opposite effect and undermine the work you're doing with your therapist.

He does the cooking because if I had to do it, I'd struggle with handling the uncooked meat, unwashed vegetables etc. and it would take all night! I've tried eating plainer food but I'm torn because I want a good balanced diet for the baby. If I'm having a particularly bad day, I will just have something plain and easy (beans on toast, tined soup etc). My stress was reduced by following some CBT rules from my therapist, and it was working, but DH sometimes forgets to follow them because "they aren't normal things to think about". Cue me feeling like more of a freak.

I have suggested he stay out before and it has worked on occasion. If its a weekday though he tends to want to come home. He knows where my stress comes from and although he was sympathetic initially his reaction now is that I really need to just deal with it and move on. With my therapist I am trying to deal with it. :(

I just think i, and marriage, have turned out to be a bit of a disappointment to him and that he didnt anticipate me having such bad anxiety. Well, I've got news for him, neither did I! :(

Thank you for taking the time to reply Tribpot x

DH sometimes forgets to follow them because "they aren't normal things to think about".

Err, okay, but they are things to think about because they make your life easier. If he imagined that mental illness was something you could just 'deal with and move on' he needs to understand (much) more about it.

I can see how he thinks that logically you should be able to accept that when he goes out drinking he doesn't come back in the kind of state that you most fear, but logic is not the driver, is it? Could you go and stay over with a friend on the nights when he's coming back drunk? I would imagine it's difficult for you to feel comfortable in someone else's house?

Basically I think you both have to accept that this isn't a 'get over it' situation. That's very tough and it's a big adjustment to make when you're more used to a life of both being well. However, guess what: marriage brings this challenge to most of us at one point or another.

I think it's important that you not feel your illness (or indeed pregnancy!) is something you have to apologise for - you have a right to support to help make things easier.