Trying to make myself become something I'm not sure I'm ready for...

[Skinnywhippet]

I am feeling really confused. Basically I don't know if I want to start a family right now or not. I cam off the implanon in feb with the view of trying straight away, but because DH sometimes finds sex difficult only had sex twice around my fertile period. The whole 2ww wait I felt worried and stressed that I might be pregnant and that made think I might not be ready. Husband is keen. So, anyway, we had been having a dry period and I was getting upset. So we talk about it and I explain I'm worried we'll never be able to conceive when we want to anyway due to lack of sex. Later that day we dtd but don't use anything. Unlikely I will be pregnant because not fertile time but why do I feel so confused. Husband comes up to me when he comes home and hugs me and ask how I and clotilda (!) are? I respond with what are you on about? And he's saying things like oh just being silly with baby names!!!! He is obviously really keen but I am just so confused about how to feel. Do I just keep dtd without protection and take the attitude what will be will be?

If you want a baby (and it doesn't sound like you are sure for starters) then for goodness sake, just have sex and stop with the 2ww and fertile periods and spreadsheeting it all! No wonder the poor bloke "has problems".

But before you do start the shagging to have a baby, decide whether you actually want one?

That's the thing...I just don't know if I am ready or not. How on earth do you know. It's hard because DH is, but I just dot feel grown up or mature enough, but at the same time feel I should be.

How old are you? how long have you been married, whereabouts in your career are you? To be honest, you are bound to be aprehensive, i think it would be quite wrong to be blase about it. I am 42, i have two DDs, one is 22 the other 7, i still don't feel like a grown up!

I'm 26 have been married almost 4 years. Have a job that is permanent and in my chosen career (eg I have done post degree training for it). I think part of me wants to have a baby so I know I CAN have one. I fear infertility.

And lucyellen....I love the idea of having a reasonable age gap to make going back to work easier and noticed you have that with your children hence why feeling like I should start soon.

Listen, having a child is a mutual decision - but remember, YOU are going to do the lion's share of the work to start with, and YOU have to physically carry and bear this child.

And a child is a lifelong commitment.

So please be very sure - or as sure as you can be anyway! Just because your DH is all excited, you don't have to be too. Tell him you're not really ready yet, if that's how you feel.

There is no 'should' when it comes to life changing decisions.

Skinny, neither of my children were planned I wouldn't have it any other way. I am a very different mother this time around.

skinny

you sound like one of my best friends...she has decided it is time she tries because they have been married long enough and she is happy with her career; he has a stable jobhe's been ready since day one. I believe they are happy and mature enoughbut I do see some hesitation within her.

what is your social group like? do you have many married friends your age who have children?

(just make sure you have a group of friends who are in the various stages of starting families).

I never craved a child, was never broody. Both XH and I had fertility problems. I stopped the Depo and my periods came back three months later. Four months After that I was pregnant. I did have one false alarm but wasnt disappointed that i wasnt pregnant so i questioned if i really was ready for it. I was terrified as really didnt know what I was in for. I was 36 and in a well paid job for round here.

It sounds like you have a normal fear.

I had dd at 38 and wasn't sure if I was ready, to the point that when I POAS'd I cried and was terrified and acted like a 14 yr old who hadn't realised that that might happen.

What I mean is there is no right time, necessarily.

Some women never want a child. That's OK as well.

Queen of whispers
I don't really have any close friends because I live over 200 miles away from where I grew up :(
My friends who are also colleagues do have young families or are beginning to start though. I hope I might meet more people in groups when I do have a child, but I will have to go back to work after a year.

With no close friends, you sound a bit isolated there, skinny.

I've re read your posts and you sound very unsure about your feelings, and uncertain that you want a child now. I know it's difficult when your DH is so enthusiastic and you aren't, but he needs to know that you aren't sure, and give you time.

You don't have to have a child now if your heart isn't in it. Maybe it would be helpful to build up your support networks anyway, or you may risk being even more isolated (eg if you need help during the pregnancy or after - is there anyone other than DH you would call on?)

I don't know...but it feels almost as if you're doing this because it's expected, and not because you really want to. You said you're confused about how to feel, as if you're not certain your feelings are valid?

Pregnancy and baby stage I don't want, but would love a 4 year old!! It's the coping with not sleeping whilst working that worries me most"

skinny

where are you located? I think you should meet my best friend. You both are in the same boat.

Don't want to out myself! Where does she live?

she lives in East London...don't worry I won't ask you anything about yourself.

if you are LPB then come over and talk to me in depth before we have dinner on the 4th. If you aren't LPB and would like to meet her, I'll give you her email address and you guys can get in touch.