Should I tell my H that I have known his email password all along…?

[littlecrystal]

.. and have been checking his email for the last 2-3 years. He left his password written on a piece of paper (unconsciously), I spotted it and since then keep silently working as a detective. In his email I found things that I didn?t like, i.e. multiple applications for credit cards, applications for a personal loan with fake payslips, buying shares with borrowed money, few job applications for a job abroad, booking tickets for 5 weeks of holidays in his home country without telling me, a couple of times signing up for marital affairs website (not full profile only checking for a limited period of time? so far) etc. I mostly kept quiet except from several hints letting him know that I will not tolerate affairs.

He has been distant and secretive. He does not do talking. He does not believe in talking or counseling. We either talk nicely and casually without going into serious discussions, or don?t talk at all. We are not close and I do not confide in him. He lacks emotions, but I don?t know is it just for me or him in general. He always blames me that I am very controlling, meaning if he is late from work I cannot call him and ask when he will be back because this would be an example of ?controlling?. He is quite mean to our DC, he does not interact with them, does not spent any quality time, doesn?t go to parks or does not teach them anything, doesn?t take part in their school or church activities etc. Basically he is not present in their lives despite of living with us. I used to push him but I am tired of his resistance. The best he can do is take them to a shop and buy an (unhealthy) sweet once in a while. He knows he cannot have any more children, but this does not prevent him from being a very mean dad.

So our relationship is non-existent and the only things keeping us together are practicalities i.e. 2 small DC, sharing childcare costs and childcare when necessary and a bit of intimacy. My general feeling is that he is not committed to the family, perhaps does not love me (or never loved me?) and could leave us at any time convenient for him. He adores his home country and that?s where I think he would head off.
On the positive side he is very self-contained, non-drinker, no smoker and is quite pleasant to be around, and we can have a pleasant chat when in a mood.. but that?s about it.

I still quite like him (from what is visible on the surface) and ideally would like to work it out. However I am aware that people don?t change and I have to prepare for the worst. My friends tell that I should kick him out. If we cannot fix it (and we cannot ? not possible without talking!) then I tend to wait until financial strain of having 2 DC in childcare will ease (2-3 years). I am quite cool minded having known his secrets and pretended for a long while but even the cool ?me? is starting to wear down. Due to his recent signing to affairs website, I keep checking his email 10 times a day and it makes me terribly shaky and anxious. It is getting too much.

I could try to have another word with him but I am becoming increasingly tempted to reveal that I know his password and I know everything he did not want to tell me. He will get terrified and change the password. I will have no idea what he is up to. He may even leave us. But I can barely continue like this anymore. What should I do?

What's the terminal condition? If you're thinking that hanging around for 2-3 years will mean you won't have to leave as the decision will be made for you by his death (and being a widow is so much more romantic than being a divorcee) just be mindful of the fact that if he has a life-limiting condition (e.g. muscular dystrophy) rather than a terminal illness (e.g. cancer) he could potentially go on for years and years and years.

please dont subject your dc to two or three more years of ""He is quite mean to our DC, he does not interact with them, does not spent any quality time, doesn?t go to parks or does not teach them anything, doesn?t take part in their school or church activities"

better his time with them is limited.
the dc will blossom with better carers even if unrelated.

that he has terminal condition is nether here nor there - there can be regular contact

The 'better to have a dad' belief is of course a bargaining chip that masks the real reason you've stayed and are considering staying in this relationship. You've stayed because of you not your children's need to have a father. Children need to have good fathers, not 'mean' ones and men can be excellent fathers as lone parents.

Your admission that you're terrified of being alone, fear the reactions of others to your lone parent status and also the burden of childcare means that this is about your needs and not the children's. If you were thinking about the children's needs, you would have left. It's not too late to put their needs before your own.

My niece has grown up without a dad since she was 3 years old. She is now 26 and just the other day she was saying that she thought her dad was surplus to requirements anyway, especially as she has gorwn up with a loving mother and family. I really think your DCs would feel the same, especially as their dad seems to be their dad in name only.
You cannot continue to live like this OP. x

He is being a terrible role model as a father, and by being with him you are telling your children that it is ok.

I don't think you'd gain anything by telling him you've known his secrets all this time.

And I think you've already acknowledged deep down that your marriage is all but over.

He sounds able to make a new life for himself whenever it suits him. Why not take back control and move your marriage towards its end at your pace (ie sooner rather than later).

There is this whole other side to him that he has hidden from you. For starters I am sure that applying for a loan with fake payslips is illegal. I may be wrong. He is getting in to debt behind your back applying for credit cards and borrowing money. And you are prepared to tolerate all this but not an affair?

Should you tell him you know his password? NO of course not.

Should you stay for another 2~3 years? Well have a look at you, the effect that knowing wo telling him had on you. It is destroying you. Will you let that happen or will you decide to look after yourself?

I am guessing that you think that, if you leave, your H will go back to his home country, will never see the dcs again and will not support the dcs financially which will make things hard.

I am also guessing that you feel guilty of having succeeded when he hasn't, for having a family around when he hasn't, for being healthy when he isn't. The reality is this is none of your making.
And on the top of it, I am guessing he isn't really happy either (why answering jobs abroad etc... otherwise?). Will you wait for him to leave you, whilst in the mean time getting worried he will do that. Have you thought that perhaps he is buying his time too, hoping that in 2~3 years time x will have happened, he will be in a better place and will finally be free to leave you and the dcs?

What do you think? If a very good friend was telling you exactly what you have written so far, what would tell her? That staying a few years more is a good plan? Or that she needs to leave?

Op can I ask what your home country of birth is? Just curious. Is your dp British and you live in your home country or are you both non British?

Sounds awful to me. I had to wait to leave my exdh. It does affect you no matter how cool you think you are.

Oh and yes it affects dcs whether they're little or not. You'd be amazed what even toddlers pick up on. My dcs come out with stuff they remember from even before they could speak. Astounds me at times.