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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

hit by dh and mum today.

70 replies

havingtrouble · 21/04/2013 17:36

I am so desperate and confused and have no one in rl to talk to about this.
DH an I have a difficult relationship.
I can be agressive and goady.Hard to live with and emotionally complicated.

This morning in bed at 5.55 I complained when dd woke us up again.We had a huge row culminating in him grabbing my face and pushing down on me whilst lying down.He also held a blanket over my face.This sort of thing does not happen often, but he has done similar,I have been violent to him in the past.

By this afternoon we were on speaking terms at a family event.

My mother is too involved in our relationship.
After food they went outside and didnt reappear for more than an hour.I know they were talking about me/us.It made me very uncomfortable infront of rest of family.

I got so uncomfortable that I got my stuff together and said I was leaving.At the door, they were coming in.
I told them that I think is was bad form.She said she wanted to talk to me.

Iwas quite wound up and said no I was leaving.

She pushed me into a room , attacked me said I was ruining my marriage, pulled my hair so it came out in clumps, slapped and kicked me.I was trying to be quiet, so as not to let my children/ other family members know what was happening.

This is all so shameful.The only way I could stop her was by hitting back.I am crying as I write this.

I got out of the room and told dh we were leaving.Mother said she wanted to see the kids!??He stayed with them.I am at home lost and confused.

Please help me.

OP posts:

Report

firesidechat · 21/04/2013 18:15

Hissy the OP said this:

I can be agressive and goady.Hard to live with and emotionally complicated.

That's where it came from.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 21/04/2013 18:18

yes fireside....but it doesn't matter she's obviously being abused and has grown up with it.

firesidechat · 21/04/2013 18:18

By the way, I didn't intend my post to mean that the husband and mother weren't behaving appallingly. Just saying that the OP has some issues with aggression too.

CleopatrasAsp · 21/04/2013 18:22

Victims often feel they are to blame and that they 'goaded' an aggressor into hurting them. Violence is always the fault of the perpetrator.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 21/04/2013 18:24

She also admits to being violent in the past. She needs help just like the others.

havingtrouble · 21/04/2013 18:25

I just want to be alone.

OP posts:

Lueji · 21/04/2013 18:26

I do wonder about the aggressive and goady, and the difficult to live with.

Many DV victims state similar things because that's what they have been led to believe, including by their mothers.
(I was too as that's how my mother classified me when I stood up to her, as she needs yes people around her)

Many DV victims lash out because there has been so much already that yes, they are often in a bad mood, and depressed.

CleopatrasAsp · 21/04/2013 18:26

She may have been violent in the past but she wasn't violent in either of these two situations.

havingtrouble · 21/04/2013 18:26

as in away from all this.He just walked in with kids.I am in bed crying and said I was not good to look after kids.He is not happy about this.

OP posts:

CleopatrasAsp · 21/04/2013 18:26

Except in self-defence in the second situation.

Lueji · 21/04/2013 18:28

Of course he's not happy. He doesn't respect your feelings.

So, you are a SAHM, presumably do everything at home, including with the children?

How, exactly, have you been violent to him in the past, BTW?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 21/04/2013 18:28

Your life sounds shit havingtrouble it really does. How long do you think you can go on like that?

That bond that you have with your mother is likely to be

traumatic bonding

You definitely need to get both these people out of your life. It won't get any better, only worse.

Ruprekt · 21/04/2013 18:29

I think you need some time to sort yourself out. Alone.

How old are the children?

I would also cut all ties with your mother. Vile unsupportive woman.

Life would be so much better for you without them both!

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 21/04/2013 18:33

op please seek help. At the very least it will work in your favour, should u report the assults to the police and the launch counter allegations.

If someone calls SS after hearing all this then you really need to start looking into how to make the situation safe for your children. That means your dh has to go. And you need to cut out your mother.

If you continue to allow yourself to be involved in relationships with dh and DM where it results in acts of violence then just imagine how hurt one or all of you could get. Please for the sake of your children you have to do something! :(

whattodoo · 21/04/2013 18:33

I strongly suggest you follow cocolepew's advice. Your life, and your DC's lives will continue to be unhappy otherwise.

Lueji · 21/04/2013 18:35

You and your mother remind me of my own mother and my grandmother.
My GM was abusive to my mum and to this day (one is over 100, the other over 70!) my mum yearns for motherly love, which she doesn't get.

Only now she's starting to detach emotionally, and that has taken work by her children.

If you do stay, do tell both of them that if they ever lay a finger on you again, you will report them to the police. And do it if it happens, if you don't report them now (which you should!).
It took a few reports, but my ex seems to have finally realised that I will report him every time he steps over the mark.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 21/04/2013 18:37

You may have overlooked this because you have been living in such an awful environment for such a long time but Sundays are supposed to be the best day of the week. Families spending time together, mums and dads off work, everyone enjoying themselves.

Your sunday was spent being smacked around by your mother and your husband

Hissy · 21/04/2013 18:39

Standing up for yourself against someone who beats you, or suffocates you, tring to defend yourself against abusers is always deemed (by them) as thou you, the victim, are the agressor.

For those suggesting 'anger issues' here, DON'T.

There are no anger 'issues'. The abusers, H and M are not angry, they are in full control of their feelings, it's all about power and control.

Telling us that we are the reason for their abuse is all part of it.
As for suggesting that the DC should be fostered, WTAF?

Some here need to hang their heads in shame.

Listen and learn.

All victims are told they are the abuser, they are mad, they cause all this, it's part of the script of these insignificant, pitifully impotent creatures. They rule, rage and destroy those they can to make themselves feel better.

There is no limit to the length they will go to.

So, please, let's not support that script, let's share and help the OP to see that she's not alone, and that what is happening to her is not her fault. It's not even about her.

OP, please just get your DC and go. Get out, as soon as you can? Pease go to the police station, please get help.

You wil all get through this, you and the DC, and you have to, for their sake!

GiveMumABreak · 21/04/2013 18:43

I'm so sorry to hear about your distress OP. clearly growing up in an abusive home, without the unconditional love and support of your Mum has damaged you (hence your own temper and outbursts?) I think you have chosen a partner prone to the same (why do we always do that? Get drawn to the same and repeat the cycle). You need to end your relationship, get your children out of that environment (before they too are damaged) get counselling and help for yourself, take a break from your mum and over time - when you are finally standing on your own two feet - you should decide whether you can forgive her and rebuild your relationship. Wishing you much strength.

piprabbit · 21/04/2013 18:47

Please contact Women's Aid //www.womensaid.org.uk on their 24hour freephone number 0808 2000 247.

You have been assaulted by the two people you should be able to trust. I personally think you should be considering ways to get out of there - but WA are much better placed to give you advice and support.

PenelopePortrait · 21/04/2013 18:52

Mmmmm......

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/04/2013 18:57

You have been raised by a violent mother, and this has screwed with your head, associating love and violence together. This may well have influenced your choice of partner, since you have ended up with a violent husband. Their 'ganging up on you' is probably deliberate on their parts - by colluding with each other, they reassure themselves that they are normal, and lay all the blame for what happens at your door.

You need to get away from both of them, and you need to get your DC away from them.

piratecat · 21/04/2013 19:13

what's the Mmmmm for

havingtrouble · 21/04/2013 19:40

Thanks to all for taking the time to respond.I am grateful and have a lot to think about.Have read trauma bonding link and it resonates.
I could ask dh to leave for a few days and give me space.

I have family visiting from abroad.This is a big trip for them and I do not want to ruin it with this situation.I will be civil to dm over the next few days.The more I think about it and reflect on my childhood, the angrier I feel.

OP posts:

Lueji · 21/04/2013 19:48

Anger can be good.

But don't take it on your mother, just use it to find the strength to remove yourself and your DC from this unhealthy environment.

As they say, don't get mad...

By walking away you remove their power over you.

Stay safe and strong.

Flip

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