What to do about my mum...?

[CackleALot]

Not sure where to start really, for as long as i can remember my mum has caused problems within the family, she has been in denial for years about being an alcoholic & won't seek help for this, other family members have now just accepted she drinks & no one confronts her.

I live 200miles away now & feel its not my place to stir things up when I'm not there to deal with consequences, the thing is everyone calls me about what problems mums causing next.

The latest is that she's stealing money from family members which I am both shocked & embarrassed about. My gran & my mums best friend now feel the need to hide their money when she's around, I also suspect that she has taken money from my house when she has visited but didn't want to believe it at the time. My gran confronted her about her money & mum denied all knowledge.

I've now heard that she has asked to borrow money from people in our very small village & hasn't paid them back, i am mortified. I honestly don't know what to do, I don't even know why she's stealing - ?for alcohol maybe or im worried she's got herself into debt.

I was so angry last night that I text her asking what was going on & why she was doing this to the people closest to her, she hasn't replied. I'm too scared to speak to her on phone & don't want to lay it all on my dad as their relationship is rocky already.

Sorry for long rambling post but interested to hear another persons perspective...this has been going on way too long now.

Sorry to say, but you can't help her

I know... I think thats why I'm so angry about it, there has to be an end to this though, the family's falling apart & god knows what others are thinking

Do you have any siblings to help you out here? Can you talk to your dad about what's going on? Not to lay anything on him in terms of him having to take responsibility but in terms of how you can support him?

Why are you too scared to speak to your mum directly? Is she very aggressive?

Don't think you can do anything really. An alcy is their own worst enemy and there is nothing anyone, except them, can do about it.

Just agree things are bad when other family members phone. Don't feel that any of it is your problem (I mean it is a problem but not yours, it's your mother's problem) as you will just feel stressed but to no advantage. And your dad is an adult and will have to sort himself out.

I think this is a good book for children of alcoholics.
www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127 which might help with you feeling mortified, it is her behavior so you shouldn't feel bad about it when there is nothing you can do.

You are doing something - if everybody rings you, you are supporting them by being a listening ear. But ultimately, it's true, no one can really change this but your mum.

there is absolutely nothing you can do except accept that you cannot do anything to change this. I say this as a daughter of an alcoholic father. You are supporting people around you and that is amazing. Don't worry about what other people think. Don't be embarassed by her - it is not your behaviour.

Thanks for all your replies, it is hard to accept that i can't do anything for her.

Claudia mum is in no way aggressive, its more me being chicken than anything else! I have 2 brothers but they just bury their head in sand like everyone else & aren't great at taking on responsibility!

Find out where your nearest Al-Anon meeting is and go along. You'll hear stories from other people in your situation and get support. You'll also learn about the 3 cs of alcoholism.
Namely that you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure her.
Good luck.

Thanks Wish considered Al-anon a while ago but forgot about it. I was scared about going along but think I need to bite the bullet and get on with it!

I don't think you should protect your dad. I think he needs to know the extent of her doings. As you live so far away, her having used the people in your village as withdrawal banks is something he needs to know. IMO.