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Original poster

I have gained a lodger and lost a friend.

74 replies

poozlepants · 20/04/2013 16:44

We have a granny flat above our garage. We aren't renting it out as it would then be liable for council tax and we wouldn't be guaranteed regular tenants as we live in a pretty unpopular renting area.
At the moment we have a good friend of 25 years standing staying it whilst he relocates from London. He came up in January for 2 days and ended up staying nearly 4 weeks and generally was grumpy and nasty to me despite trying to avoid him. He had form for being a terrible moody flatmate years ago and obviously he hadn't changed. He asked us could he stay in the flat whilst he got himself sorted. He is a very old friend and we wanted to help him as much as we could so despite the stress of the previous month we said yes.
I mildly called him on his attitude via email and he appeared horrified and said it was because he was stressed. It was all sorted and I made a joke of it and that was that.
He has been here 2 months and it has been beyond awful. DH and I have done what we can to give him a wide berth but he basically canot be civil to me. If I meet him outside he either wilfully ignores me or snaps at me. Any of the most bland conversation is wilfully misinterpreted and ends up him telling me to shut up. I am not welcome in the flat at all. I have kept my counsel as it was only to the end of April. Now he has basically said to DH he hasn't found anywhere to go. We know he is going to ask DH this weekend whether he can stay on. He has nowhere to go.
It would seem an easy decision- No- but he has had depression in the recent past and I am wondering how much of this might be going? He was meant to be over it and bearing in mind he is pleasant to DH and other friends just not to me I am inclined to think he is just being a pig. Even dh says it is obvious he can't stand the sight of me and is worried he is ill because he can't believe someone could do this intentionally especially when I have very little to do with him and he is basically relying on our good will. He doesn't pay any rent and is to give us a small sum at the end to cover bills and expenses.
I have been ill twice in the last month first with cellulitis from athletes foot and then with conjunctivitis and the GP thinks I am run down and stressed as I am usually fighting fit. How much should I put my health and happiness before someone's suspected mh problems?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/04/2013 16:49

'Good friend'?
Really?

Doesn't sound much like it. I think if he stands any chance of staying, your DH needs to have strong words. And if there isn't an instant apology and change of attitude he can go.

How can it be MH issues when he's okay to other people?

carabossse · 20/04/2013 16:53

It seems that no-one is happy with the current situation. Stick to your earlier agreement and don't allow a further extension to his stay. Write off any money for bills, I doubt that'll happen, and hope he hasn't done serious damage to your granny flat. Or, be prepared to be asking this same question indefinitely. It'll never be a good time for him to move out of free accommodation. Never.

You've no need to give a reason for ejecting him to leave when he said he would, but out of interest, surely he's choosing you money? Bills, increased insurance costs eand additional maintenance etc.

Oh and get yourself on the thread about "have you ever seen anything this cheeky"!

carabossse · 20/04/2013 16:54

Ejecting? Expecting. Freudian phone slip !

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/04/2013 16:56

Present a united front to this person and kick him out asap. He has outstayed his welcome long enough and he's not paying you any rent.
He's a freeloader and an unpleasant freeloader at all.

Harsh as it appears, it is not actually your problem he now has nowhere to go so do not feel sorry for him.

Look at Hs and your own behaviours in all this as well to see what you can learn from it; if he had previous form for being moody and miserable as a flatmate then why did you two take him in?.

He's no old friend; he has just used the two of you for his own ends. You likely saw through the façade long before your H did so does not like you.

Naoko · 20/04/2013 17:01

Tell him to get out. I put up a friend once, a friend whose marriage had fallen apart, who was having health problems both physical and mental, and who was on his arse financially. Anyone would've been justified being a bit snappy in his situation. He wasn't - he was delightful, and very careful not to impose, didn't outstay his welcome (in fact I'd have been happy for him to stay longer because he was such good company), and asked me on numerous occasions if I was sure he could stay because he didn't want to be a pain. That's how to crash at someone's house. There is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour regardless of his issues, and if his issues are so severe he actually cannot help being this much of a dick to you he needs far more help than a place to sleep. Get him out of there before he does you any more harm - and he is, if your doctor says some of your issues are due to stress.

It is great to help out a friend, and it's kind to cut someone some slack if they have problems. It is bad to be taken advantage of by someone who is not acting like a friend, and whose pisstaking behaviour is causing you problems of your own you didn't have before. Be firm.

Original poster
poozlepants · 20/04/2013 17:02

I know it is bad. But I think he is relying on DH not being up for confrontation. He tried to get him on his own last night after work but fortunately DH had a day off.
I think I was secretly hoping something was up so that I wouldn't lose a long standing friend but I do know people who lived with him years ago have refused to speak to him since. He is outwardly a really lovely person and has a responsible professional job. He is just not good in a domestic setting. DH has been in the flat and apparently its fine. I could go in when he is not there but it was made clear he wasn't happy.
It is going to be really horrible this weekend.

OP posts:
MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 20/04/2013 17:07

Why on earth would you even consider letting him stay?! I'm sorry but it seems like utter madness to me

Why aren't you and your DH furious at the way he's treating you? Even if he does have issues, how hard would it be for him to be civil to the person doing him a massive favour?

Cerisier · 20/04/2013 17:10

Wow he is being outrageously rude to you while living in your flat?

He is not an old friend- he is a nasty entitled person who might have been your friend a long time ago. You have tried to point out where he has gone wrong but he hasn't changed his ways. He will only have himself to blame when he is sent packing by you and DH.

You need expat along to give you some top tips in how not to be taken for a ride. She should give lessons!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/04/2013 17:12

But he isn't your friend if he is horrible to you. He is a freeloading user who is taking advantage of your good nature.

Tell him to sling his hook.

Cerisier · 20/04/2013 17:13

OP have you seen this thread? I think your lodger could give Mexican man a run for his money.

Original poster
poozlepants · 20/04/2013 17:33

Bloody hell- I have just read that other thread. The Mexican thing was unbelievable. It has made me happy that there are other mugs out there.
I accept I am an idiot but we did it for the best of intentions as said friend had had a really shitty couple of years when his parents died and he ended up with depression.
We had another friend stay last year and she was lovely and I really enjoyed it.
I'm off to gird my loins.

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 20/04/2013 17:34

He has to go! He's not a lodger as he doesn't pay rent anyway- which is wrong - he works, uses facilities, uses your address for post, etc etc.

What does your dh say? It's a joint decision surely? Tell him you need the space and sorry but it was just a short term arrangement.

He doesn't sound very friendly to me, you haven't really lost a friend by the sound of it.

50shadesofmeh · 20/04/2013 17:40

So you let him live there for free in return he acts like a dick and gives you disrespect , I'd tell him to do one OP.
Some way to show your gratitude to someone putting a roof over your head.

Gerrof · 20/04/2013 17:46

I was just goimg to post that we need expat on this thread and saw ssomeone said it first!

He is no friend of yours. It is probably not his depression because he is perfectly civil to others. Fair enough he may not like you (why yhough) but he is living rent free and relying on your goodwill.

Tell him to fuck off the miserable twat.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 20/04/2013 17:49

Get him out! He treats you like shit and you let him live there for free? Seriously?

Where he goes is not your problem. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are responsible for him.

You did him a HUGE favour and he repaid it by treating you with contempt.

you owe him nothing.

Original poster
poozlepants · 20/04/2013 17:57

We're not sure why he's suddenly decided I am the antichrist as I have had so little to do with him and we were great friends beofre. Its' something he did eons ago when he shared a flat with friends. We think he does it to bolster his own ego. DH only really saw how bad it was a few weeks ago when friend and I were having a conversation outside the window of a room DH was doing DIY in and friend didn't know DH was there.

OP posts:
Greatdomestic · 20/04/2013 18:06

How he is treating you is not how great friends of 25 years standing treat each other, especially one doing you a massive favour.

Don't allow him to disrespect you any longer. On your last post you say that your DH overheard him basically being a d* to you in your own home and has done nothing over it.

Who knows why he is doing it and no one cares. It is not your problem.

The ex-friend needs to go. Let him abuse someone else's hospitality. And if I were you I would be telling my DH that when someone is treating you with disrespect, you expect his support. Immediately.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 20/04/2013 18:18

He's rude to you despite your loveliness.

Of he fucks.

Lets see how far he gets elsewhere with that attitude.

carabossse · 20/04/2013 18:41

Just focus on how much better you'll feel once he's gone.

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2013 20:22

He was rude to you, your husband overheard, and he's still there?

Why?

tallwivglasses · 20/04/2013 21:50

is your dh being a bit of a wimp over this? why isn't he confronting your friend and telling him he's out of order? Shock Shock

Angelico · 20/04/2013 21:57

This guy sounds like a complete cock. His depression is no excuse - if he can manage to be nice to others then he can manage to be nice to you. He's choosing to be a pig instead.

Tell him to ship out. And stop being such a walkover FGS!

Mumsyblouse · 20/04/2013 22:01

Why on earth, the first time he was rude to/about you, did you or your husband ask him to leave? Really. This is ridiculous, you are cowering in your own home afraid to ask him to move on, and he is not even paying rent! Obviously being a very nasty person is working well for him, as he now has intimidated the both of you.

I think your husband is being very weedy too, I hope my husband would march in there immediately and tell him to do one if I was upset by a man living (as a favour) in our house.

Get him out immediately, or at least, write him a note and post it in asking him formally to leave the property say in three days time. If he doesn't, then you may have to get a solicitor's letter/call the police (I have done this).

Don't be put off by an escalation of his illness, he's managed for 25 years without living with you and he'll have to manage again, plus I would bet that he's not nearly as bad as he's making out, but even if it is, he need professional help and somewhere else to live and to get out of your lives.

I am quite incredulous you would put up with this really.

cees · 20/04/2013 22:40

You and your dh are mugs to put up with him and looking back in few years you will kick yourself for not booting him out sooner. He is a pig and he doesn't like you at all, whats in this for you because it's not friendship.

CarnivorousPanda · 20/04/2013 22:50

No real friend would behave like this towards someone who has shown such hospitality. He acts vile towards you because as you now see him in his true colours, so he sees you as a threat. Reading this, he is bullying the pair of you.

He pays no rent, he abuses you. His behaviour varies depending on who he speaks to. I wouldn't call him a lodger - aren't they supposed to pay rent ?

I really think you want him out asap. No arguments. "This is not working" Then change the locks.