Ladies, not been on here for a while...but help!!!! I need some advice...
My husband and I have been together for twelve years. We met and were married two years later, then DD no 1 was born 1 year after that. We also have DD no2 - so girls aged 5 and 8.
Basically, I feel trapped and like I can't do anything right in our relationship. He always had a tendency to sulk and to quite openly tell me (very bluntly) if he disapproved of my choices of music, films, choices of friends etc. And in all honesty because of pure insecurity I changed myself to fit with his idea of what he wanted in a partner. I was desperately lonely when we met, felt entirely let down by my birth family, and because I felt a connection with him and was so desperate to have my own little family I 'bent' myself to be his lady, got married and then had our beautiful children.
I don't know also whether I felt I was 'rescuing' him - he was addicted to marijuana and stopped smoking heavily when DD no1 was born (I felt I had fixed him!). He had a recreational relationship with drugs generally - at one point he mentioned he would need a line of coke to get him through our wedding day... I told him how upset that made me...so he said he wouldn't. I later found out he had - and looking back on that I am so hurt.
Early in our marriage (and when pregnant with DD) we had various issues to discuss - and every time he would verbally beat my point of view down. The lowest point was when he told me he didn't know what my problem was because 'it wasn't like he beat me up or anything'.
Since then he has grown, he has changed, he has tried harder and we have has some good times.
But basically now I am at a massive crossroads....
My Mum died of cancer a couple of years ago, and during her illness my sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I helped to care for them both during various hospitalisations as well as looking after my beautiful girls. Through therapy I have covered enormous ground since then - I am learning to overcome some serious childhood abuse as well as all of the above and am starting to recognise my own needs as being of importance. I have suffered with both depression and anxiety (although looking at the above its not surprising!) but am feeling stronger now than I have in years.
I have a great job which I really enjoy (which also now makes me the main breadwinner in the home). My daughters are thriving and wonderful and for the first time ever I feel like its partly because I am a GOOD Mum (you wouldn't believe how long it has taken me to feel that!). I have great friends and know where I stand with my wider family.
BUT my relationship with my husband is in massive decline - almost like the better I feel, the worse things get. He seems permanently unhanppy, all he does is rant about things that piss him off, and his general stance is that he is 'hard done by' in life. I have recently dared to do a few things for ME (a weekend away with a group of friends, a spa day, a couple of sessions down the gym, etc) and his response has been to sulk, to tell me I am wasting money, that my need for some time to myself is harming the children and makes me a bad Mum.
I have calmly told him (big progress) these assumptions are not appropriate and that he owes me an apology for some of the hurtful things he has said (most recently when my friend's husband offered to drive us to our spa day so we could have a glass of bubbly to reward us for being 'supermums' - my husband said 'well he must know something I don't').
He won't apologise, and after a week of silent treatment he has now started to offer me a 'cup of tea' and ranting to me about politics again. His way of 'drawing a line' under it to move on - or minimising my feelings?
Oh, and he has had erectile dysfunction for around 3 years now. Every time sex doesn't happen it is because he is stressed, tired, or (the classic) my weight puts him off (I am maybe a stone heavier than I was when we married - post babies I am 10 and a half stone). I feel SO unattractive (don't 'think' I am really but its how I feel) and he does nothing to verbally reassure me either...I have to pray for a compliment...and I enjoy sex...and he won't go to the doctor...
THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR LISTENING. Advice needed - is there anyway forward here? Is he potentially emotionally abusive? What the bleep do I do???! He refuses to talk. I desperately don't want to make anything difficult for my beautiful girls. He's always told me they hate it when I go out (for work or for whatever). I've always taken that as being about me needing to be around more (how?) - but maybe it's because they don't want to be left with him as much?? Should I just stop questioning everything?
Arggggghhhh.... again....thanks for listening...and any advice welcome...thank you in anticipation....