Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I don't want him to go away for the night with his mate - am I being ridiculous?

18 replies

FishLips80 · 19/04/2013 13:42

In the early days of our relationship DP tried to cheat on me, I say tried because it was the woman who put a stop to it, not him. I tried to forgive and move on but I've had a hard time trusting him ever since.
However, I said I was going to move on and I'm trying.
Thing is he's booked a night seeing a band with his mate in a neighbouring city which will mean an overnight stay. The mate is a lot younger than him and will more than likely turn it into an all night bender before crashing at a travel lodge or whatever.
It's making me feel sick thinking about it. I've acted all calm and collected so far "yeah go, course I trust you, I'm not in the least bit bothered about it, honest" but in reality it's doing my head in because I know deep down I don't 100% trust him. I also know that in the weeks following I'll drive myself nuts wondering if anything happened 'that weekend', did they end up taking girls back to the travellodge etc etc.

What do I do?? man up and let him get on with it or tell him how I really feel? I don't want to be the jealous and clingy bunny boiler and nor do I want him "under the thumb" but his past actions have made me really insecure and untrusting

OP posts:

gertrudestein · 19/04/2013 13:50

Hmm ... tough. If I were you I'd definitely not try to stop him going, but i would, very calmly and rationally, say 'I feel a bit uneasy about this, for obvious reasons. I'm trying to get over it but it's hard.'

How he reacts will tell you a lot about how he feels about the situation.

If he started to get all shirty, then I would be a bit worried that he didn't care enough about my feelings to stop cheating again.

SueFawley · 19/04/2013 14:32

How long ago was the cheating incident?

If it's fairly recent, ie less than a year, I totally understand your anxiety and agree with gertrude suggestion about how to talk to him about it.

If it's been longer than a year or so, then your problem here isn't this one night away, it's the lack of trust that's still ongoing. If you can't trust him now, when will you ever? And do you think you really ever will be able to trust him? If you're with him for the next 50 years, there will be times when he wants weekends away with his mates etc.

chocmallow · 19/04/2013 15:15

Oh OP do you really want to stay in a relationship where the thought of your OH staying overnight with a friend makes you 'feel sick' and 'will drive you nuts'?

How long have you been together? Can you arrange something with a girlfriend/s the same night to keep your mind occupied? What do you do when he has a night out with his mates - do you worry about him cheating then?

slhilly · 19/04/2013 16:09

I'd go further than gertrude. I'd tell him what you've told us. He instigated your heartache and unease - it's for him to suggest ways to make you feel better, whether that be saying "oh I won't go", inviting you along, calling you frequently or something else. It's his job to reassure you, and to acknowledge your feelings as valid. He needs to make efforts to build your ability to trust in him. I think you've taken on all the onus for this situation yourself, and that's silly given that he's the one who did wrong, not you.

simplesusan · 19/04/2013 16:30

I'm not sure if this is a healthy relationship.

How can you stay with someone when there is no trust there whatsoever?

Do you distrust him if he goes out without you but comes home at night?

I am not having a go at you, what you feel is perfectly natural after what he tried to do, I am just unsure as to why you rae with him.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 19/04/2013 16:59

It's very hard to make any sort of judgement at all based on what you have posted. When he cheated on you, how long had you been going out? Had you agreed at that stage that you would be mutually exclusive? How long ago is that?

Branleuse · 19/04/2013 17:24

Tbh, id see this as a sign you need to split.

silvershine45 · 19/04/2013 17:25

Always trust your partner i'm worried when my husband goes out with his friends but i have to trust him for the sake of my marriage x

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/04/2013 17:27

I agree with Branleuse.

Do you have children together?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/04/2013 17:30

silvershine - really?

I really couldn't live like that. I don't worry for a single moment when DH goes out, except that he might miss the last train and end up an hour away at some ungodly hour of the morning.

badinage · 19/04/2013 17:32

If someone's abused your trust or you have good reason to think they are untrustworthy, you don't 'have to' trust them at all. And there's no point lying about your feelings or keeping them bottled up.

I expect you're feeling this way because you've always felt like second-best and that if a woman is willing enough, he'll cheat.

And you would probably be right, if he has given you no evidence of being truly sorry and of learning from his mistake.

All of this is assuming you were an exclusive couple when he tried to be unfaithful of course. But if you were and he was already looking elsewhere, then you probably should have cut your losses then and if you're still feeling like this, should do so now.

LeChatRouge · 19/04/2013 17:40

You have options.

You could split up. If you suspect you will always live life with a niggling doubt that he is trustworthy, then is this a life you want? Is it realistic to spend every single night together for the rest of your lives?

You could encourage him to go occasionally and gradually as he behaves himself each and every time he does go away, the feelings will dissipate.

We're you like this with previous partners? How is he with you in your relationship? Is he loving, interested, respectful? Does he talk about building your future together?

Helltotheno · 19/04/2013 17:49

Reading between the lines of the small amount you've posted, I'd say he's not the one. Do you really see yourself spending the rest of your life terrified he's going to cheat? That's a half life OP. You just sound like you're clinging on here for dear life, and the question is, is he worth clinging on to?

SilverSky · 19/04/2013 17:51

I couldn't be in a relationship like that. Once trust is broken its broken and so very hard to get back. I'd have to move on. For my own sanity.

Squitten · 19/04/2013 17:56

How long ago was the cheating OP? Has he shown suitable remorse about it and made amends?

My DH cheated on me at the start of our relationship. He claimed at the time that we weren't really "together" but I argued that a)he certainly didn't get that from me and b)if it was all so relaxed, why did he need to hide it? It caused a huge rift at the time and we nearly broke up over it as it became part of a much wider issue that I won't go into.

The point is that he worked very hard to earn back my trust. This was all about a decade ago now and I can honestly say that I never even have a whisper of a doubt about trusting him, he has changed so much. You say that you "tried to forgive and move on", which sounds like you are the one doing all the work when it should absolutely be the other way around

cronullansw · 19/04/2013 23:15

I don't think you should ever let him out of your sight. Be by his side at all times especially when there might be other women around, like in public places, supermarkets, pubs, work etc. Well, when he's having a No 2, you could wait outside for a minute or two obv and don't let him take his phone with him, in fact, he wouldn't need a phone would he, as you are the only person he ever needs to call, but other than that, you should be right next to him - that way the bastard can't ever cheat on you again...

Well, that would be one way to live your life.

Apparently there are other ways to live and it does seem that most people choose to invest some degree of trust in their partners. Perhaps you could consider altering your trust levels?

AnyFucker · 19/04/2013 23:39

Better still, dump him and find someone trustworthy

badinage · 19/04/2013 23:42

Another way to live is to be single as it's infinitely preferable to life with an untrustworthy person.

Or to find a bloke who doesn't cheat.

So yeah, there are lots of other ways to live...

Flip