Not well and DH wants his DM (who I adore) to stay to help but I don't

[frazmum]

I have had sciatica for the last 2 weeks and according to Dr still may have a few weeks before it comes right. So quite limited as to how far I can walk and what I can do around the house. Have got a cleaner in and this week with the 4 DC's help (3 are teenagers) have got into a good routine. DH commutes and is away from from 6:30 - 7:00 each day so can't help much. Am feeling a bit down due to the constant pain (on quite a drug regime), being stuck at home and also side effects of drugs.

Can't see how his mum coming to stay could help. She can't do the housework as she is almost 80 and hasn't cooked family meals for years. DH thinks she could keep me company during the day but I'm using the time to do lots of study for course I'm doing to get ahead before I get another contract and go back to work. MIL talks a lot so feel I'd have to entertain her instead. Also can only sit for a limited time in chairs and comfiest place is lying on the couch. So can easily kick kids off but can't really do that with her (she finds our lounge chairs uncomfortable). I adore my MIL but feel it would create more hassles at the moment. DH has upped the pressure by saying that he really wants to see his mum (she lives on other side of the world) and it is unfair of me to say no. However she was going to come up anyway in about June, so that doesn't make sense.

DH is very stressed at the moment with both work and worrying about me but feel like he is not listening to what I'm saying. The last two nights I've said that everyone except DS8 has backed away emotionally (they're being caring but are wary of my being unwell) and all I want is a hug. He completed ignored this - no hug. Also he knows I am climbing the walls but is organising nothing this weekend to get me out of the house. He however is out all day Saturday with the DS's rugby. I can drive but can't walk far when I get somewhere so basically drive to Tesco local and pick up a couple of things. Sorry this is so long but just needed to get it off my chest.

Well it would be better if his mother came when he is around to spend time with her. I sympathise, and get on well with my mil, but it sounds like it wouldnt be a help for her to come at the moment. Although he may feel some company would help to get you out of a rut. You said you were being driven up the wall?! What would you like to do at the weekend? What could you manage? Hope you feel better soon.

Apart from not thinking at all about yourself, he clearly has not thought about his mother either. Would she really want to travel to you from where she lives on the other side of the world?. He needs a reality check sharpish along with a kick up the backside. He also needs to start listening properly to you instead of just rattling off ill thought out ideas to seemingly just placate his conscience.

Who would pay for his mum's visit? You?

If so, then say, "look, I need help, I need cleaning done, I need meals cooked, and I need help to get out and about - and I think we both know your mum wo'nt be able to do these, so we'll still need these doing, except we'll have another adult here to be fed and I won't be able to recover on the sofa. If you actually want to help me, then can we use that money you want to spend on a flight for her to hire a cleaner to come in and pay for some more meals to be delivered and pay for taxis so I can get out. Be honest, you're just being selfish and want your mum here for you, you do'nt actually give a shit that I'm ill." (He'll bluster that he does care, but the fact is, if you have budget for help, then using it to pay for a flight for someone who won't actually help isn't the sensisble way to use it)

BTW - have you just been "getting on with it" and not properly spelt out how ill you are?

Elderly talkative company and sciatica are a terrible combination.

I got sciatica after my parents were here at Christmas.

Sitting neatly and still is lethal, you need to fidget, to change chairs, to lie in bed or on the sofa.

You need to be able to take a short walk round the block or potter at a bit of house work.

You need to keep moving very gently, but you need to move just the same.

Sounds like he's feeling guilty because he can't be there to help out as much as he likes so is suggesting his Mum as a representative IYSWIM?
Tell him she's fine to come in June but it's not practical or helpful for her to come any earlier.

Thanks to you all for your thoughts and listening to my moaning. I think I do need to spell it out using very simple words and saying it slowly so he understands. We had a cleaner start this week so that part is sorted. Startail, I am combining sitting, changing positions and moving around - following doctor's orders.

DH is usually good at looking after me when I'm unwell but it is hard with him being away for so long each day. He was going to work from home today which he usually does on a Friday but his boss wants him at work for a 1/2 hour meeting. His boss is fully aware of the situation at home and that DH had to race back on the train (90 min journey) when the ambulance was called and that I spent most of last Friday in A&E. He is feeling stressed with work issues, plus my contract finished a month ago and still don't have another one (so timing of sciatica is good in that regards) so money is a bit tight.

His mother would pay for her trip as she would just be bringing it forward from when she is coming in summer. As much as I adore her she does things like stands in the middle of the kitchen in the morning eating her breakfast while we work around her - every time I say could you please sit at the kitchen table and I get "of course, silly me getting in the way". But does it again the next morning. I love her to bits but she's not young and needs almost as much looking after as I do.

Just got a text from DD18 saying her and DD16 are going to a vintage fair near here on Sun and did I want to come. It is a small event so not much walking which I should be able to manage - at least they are thinking of their mum.

can you talk to your DDs and say you are struggling and need help from them? They are grown adults themselves, even if they don't live at home, would they be happy to take on a lot of the work for a couple of weeks? I know it's hard to admit how bad you are to your DCs, but perhaps stop being brave round them and ask them to help. If you have younger ones, could the older ones cook dinner for you all and do some washing/cleaning?

But definately explain in simple words to your DH that his mum isn't a help, but needs help herself. He probably doesn't see her in the same way, he will still think of her as in the mum mode who looked after him - not as an old woman who creates extra work.

My two older DD's are at home and have been a great help. The oldest one drives so is able to do messages for me, takes boys to activities etc and drive me when I've had some of the stronger meds. DD16 is a great cook but is studying for her GCSE's so don't want to take up too much of her time.

I've been very proud of how the DC's have helped - DS8 thinks he is very grown up helping mummy do jobs - so sweet. Biggest problem is DH - he's just been on the phone explaining about what's happening at rugby tomorrow. It is not their usual two hours but lots more going on all day with a visiting team. As I said I can drive but if I can't park nearby I won't be able to go and oldest DD is busy tomorrow - and I got back, well I guess I can't have a few drinks then if you can't come. As he is at work not the time to have a discussion - just getting frustrated it is all about him. As he said last night, the family can handle someone being sick for a few days but any longer is difficult. He seems to have forgotten the 3 operations I've supported him through!

Just want to say hoping you feel better soon.Think how much nicer the weather and gardens will be when she comes in June.He is afraid that you will get weepy and depressed and is not realising what a huge job it is to host an elderly relative.Especially if you are not well!

My Dh drafted people in when I had chemo and although everyone meant well,I would rather have been left alone.

Thanks for all your support. Moononastick - hope you're ok now.

Before DH rings his mum again I will make sure he fully understands that having her coming up earlier is hindering not helping.

Also to those who've been stuck at home like me, nice to know I'm not the only one who found it difficult - you start to doubt your own sanity.