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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex has been back in touch

11 replies

Concentrateonthegood · 18/04/2013 23:00

I separated from long time partner over 10 years ago.we had a horrible break up. Heartbroken after being destroyed by his affair and he's appalling treatment of me in the last year of our relationship. Despite all this, he was always the love of my life. in time, i got over it. Living a better life now and am happy but have never been able to fall in love or settle down with anyone else despite trying. So, after all these years, He contacted me today. He's ill (physically) and emotionally broken. I can't tell you how upset I feel for him. And then the awful realisation that I feel as though I've never stopped loving him and that's why I haven't been able to move on with anyone else successfully. How can I feel like this after all these years? He has asked me for forgiveness which I have given him so he can have some peace. So very sad.

OP posts:

Spero · 18/04/2013 23:08

Sorry to hear this. I think I know a little of how you feel. Maybe this will help you to move on? Does it help to know that he regrets how he behaved and needed your forgiveness? This doesn't mean that you missed a chance before as it obviously wasn't right ten years ago and it is very sad he couldn't be the man you needed when you had such strong feelings for him.

It is horribly sad. But hopefully everything is just being stirred up for you and you will get your equilibrium back when the shock and emotion have eased a little.

Lovingfreedom · 18/04/2013 23:20

Sorry but there is something about the phrase 'emotionally broken' that makes me think..hmmm..??? where's he been for 10 years and what's he showing up now for? I'm suspicious tbh.

Lueji · 19/04/2013 00:17

Why on earth would he contact you?

For a pity party?

It seems it's solely for his benefit.

Try to keep away from him.

Jessepinkman · 19/04/2013 00:25

Do you have children together?

If you do I'd be like hmmmm

If not I would take as much or as little out of the circumstances as I wanted to.

WinkyWinkola · 19/04/2013 00:36

How nice for him that you are still waiting in the wings after he probably actually fell madly for someone else who trampled his heart the way he trampled yours.

Keep your distance because he's going to try it on again. Unless of course you love being shat on.

Mimishimi · 19/04/2013 01:34

Tread very carefully. Have you replied to him?

jynier · 19/04/2013 01:37

Hi, OP! - Not really sure what to say and certainly cannot give any constructive advice!

I love my XP and, like you, lost him to another woman. Unfortunately, we don't have an "Unlove" button in our brains. Wish that we did as it would make life much easier!

Is your XP seriously/terminally ill? If so, would you be prepared to look after him?

Don't envy you with this dilemma! Best wishes, x

Original poster

Concentrateonthegood · 19/04/2013 06:25

Thank you for your responses. A mixture of views which is very helpful. My recovery from the relationship was too long and painful to put myself back in that position. I am much happier now and i can see the contrast. But I was so shocked at how I felt yesterday. I've never hated him. Might have been better if I could have done. And I definitely got to a point when I realised I didn't love him so why did these feelings all come rushing back yesterday? Anyway, not sure if this makes sense but I had a sense of peace when I fell asleep. Maybe subconsciously, I've been carrying a sense of injustice about all this and his sincere apology was what I needed to hear. He made no excuses for his behaviour just expressed sincere regret and sorrow for treating me the way he did. He said he had no right to expect forgiveness.

OP posts:

bullinthesea · 19/04/2013 11:41

There are some excellent posts on baggagereclaim.com about this one, in particular, one titled 'When Your Ex Returns AGAIN, It?s An Opportunity To Do Right By You' which really helped me to gain a different perspective when this happened to me after 20years apart from my ex!
I had a message from him telling me that his mum had died & that he was single, and also where he was living (I didn't ask for any of that info mind you!).
I had the same reaction that you did, of many feelings pouring back in, feeling really sorry for him etc, and as though a can of worms had been opened in my mind.
It's a bit like when someone picks at an old wound, really, best left to heal itself over again.
Sorry for rambling on, but I can relate to your situation and just thought I'd chip in :)

pinkhalf · 19/04/2013 11:48

He got his forgiveness. I would draw a line under this conversation and not speak to him again.

It is not okay to use someone else's feelings for your own purposes, particularly after a break up.

boyfromipinema · 19/04/2013 12:42

You have to tread very carefully here. I can imagine it is feeling quite intoxicating to have him back in touch again. It would be very easy to open the lines of communication with him and the next thing you know you're meeting up, and possibly taking it further.
But try to keep in mind one simple truth. He broke your heart when he left you for another. That is the ultimate betrayal.
He may well feel sorry about it now, but where was that apology when you were probably at your darkest depths after the break up, at a time when you maybe needed it more.

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