Please talk to me about being a lone parent with one DS.

[verygentlydoesit]

I've teetered on the brink of splitting up with my partner of 9 years so many times. I've never been brave enough to do it. We've had brief splits but I miss him and most of all I miss being a 'family' with our 6yo DS.

I think it's this fear of not being able to make a happy family unit for DS that means I can't face going it alone. I'm unable to have any more DC, and I feel terribly guilty about it. I am never happier than when the 3 of us are together, DP somehow livens everything up and things feel 'right'.

He's not abusive, but at his core he is a very selfish man, and it often makes me very unhappy.

He has left briefly a couple of times. Each time I felt terrible guilt, wanted him back, and felt that the joy I witness in DS at the good times together are well worth putting up with DP's selfish behaviour.

I think that if I had more confidence that DS would be ok and that I could make a happy family for him without DP I might be less afraid. The problem is that every instinct I have is that we would be sad, boring and lonely without him.

Being an only child doesn't equal being a lonely child. As a single parent with an only you do have to make an effort to socialise. I've raised DS alone since birth, he's almost 5 now and he has a very full life. He's incredibly close to his grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins and has lots of little friends he's sees regularly. In fact i can barely keep up with his social life (3 parties in the next 2 weeks!).

I actually miss the toddler years when i had him all to myself! I love the times we do spend together just the two of us whether it's days out or curling up on the sofa with a dvd.
FWIW your dp does sound EA. The fact you're the main career/provider and have a home means it's incredibly unlikely he would ever be granted custody, it's just empty threats.

I'm a great believer in doing whatever makes you happy. You only get one life, don't waste it being miserable.

DD is and will remain a full blood only child

My DS and DD are half-siblings. Makes absolutely no difference whatsoever. They are treated exactly the same (age appropriate). I wouldn't know if they were as close as full-blood siblings, because they are treated as such anyway.

Thank you all so much for your positive stories of lone parenting, I'm aware of the difficult bits (did a stint when DP left for 6 months), so it is lovely to hear from those who have made it work.

I love it (but I've been single since pregnancy).

I love not having to consider another person's choices in relation to bringing him up & just having lots of quality time with DS

To be honest the worst part for me was doing the baby thing alone & now he's older & more independent I absolutely love it!

I can't decide what would make me happy acceptable. DS is my priority and the joy of seeing him with DP and spending time as a family seem to outweigh the bad stuff. I know it's been said countless times on MN (and IRL) that children are most happy when you put yourself first- but I can't seem to do it.

I'm getting closer though, I've never felt so sure that I've done nothing wrong.

He can still see his dad if you're not together!

That is no where near enough reason to stay in this situation. Your kid deserves a happy mum & you deserve to be happy.

And I'm on your account that he's trying to make out 'it's all in your head'.

What a line He's just pulled that out the bag to try and discredit what you're saying. No wonder you don't want to be with him/are thinking about leaving. That's so disrespectful...

I am happy a lot of the time, but partly because I tend to look at the positives of a situation and am an optimistic person in general.

But I put up with what I feel is a lot of selfish behaviour, some of it is small things but they all add up. I think I am starting to see that he is selfish, and his behaviours is not down to anything I have done. Previously I have blamed myself.

He seems hard wired to put himself first. For example, he chooses to meet friends for a few pints rather than come straight home from work far too often. I think he enjoys being out more than being at home, he is an extrovert and the 'life and soul' , so loves meeting his mates. It's usually not for long, but means he misses a lot of the window before bedtime to eat with and see DS.

When I told him he should go out less he was baffled, he appears not to be able to see it from my POV at all.

If you're not sure OP why don't you suggest a trial separation? I understand your concern for your DS but you deserve to be happy too and as said above your son will still have a father. Children are very adaptable and whilst it may take a while, mummy and daddy living apart would eventually become normal for him.

He's not hard wired that way, he chooses to be that way & it's dodgy territory when the other person starts trying to fill your with self-doubt.

You most certainly shouldn't blame yourself!

It's a bit odd that he's talked about taking DS with him during an argument but would rather go to the pub than spend a little extra time with DS?

Not trying to upset you, just looking at it from all angles (which I appreciate is a lot easier to do from outside of the relationship, when you're not involved or invested).

And yes, maybe a trial seperation? Then you'll probably have a better sense of what you want to do.

Maybe I'm just a grumpy ball buster but I certainly wouldn't be happy with a lot of that & would not accept having my counselling used against me to try & discredit me. Mostly because it's disrespectful but also because over time, if left unchecked, it would start sinking in & I migt believe it!

Cant comment on your relationship with your H but my MIL was a single mum from pregnancy with DH (only child).

She brought him up fantastically and despite her lack of personal interest in 'boy' things DH is very into sport and cars etc. you seriously would never know he'd been brought up without a male role figure (no grandparents, uncles etc).

As a DIL, I really appreciate the space she gives us. DH is the centre of her world but she has no problem sharing him with me :-). At the same time I respect the stirling job she did and include MIL as much as possible.

We know she made a lot of sacrifices for DH and he loves her to bits. He never knew any other way of living, so has never regretted not having a very present dad, as he so enjoyed his childhood with just his mum.

nico your DH sounds lovely, and so does your MIL.

I see the benefits of a trial separation but this causes issues in our relationship- hard to explain but I'm pretty sure that if I suggested it DP would pack a bag, storm off and claim if it's not working when he's trying his best then there's no point and he will leave to put me out of my misery.

Years ago during an argument he threatened to leave, I said if that's what he wanted then he should go. He was so 'offended' that he left and refused to have a proper discussion about it for weeks. He actually lived elsewhere for 6 months (DS was only 1 so doesn't remember). He eventually wanted to come back and I wanted him back too, so we patched things up.

Since then he has threatened to leave on several occasions, and it has sent me into a complete spin do we have an agreement that neither of us use leaving as a threat.

It's tricky to explain but I don't think a trial separation is the answer.

Quite frankly I'd let him leave next time he threatens to. Actually no, I wouldn't wait for that, I'd ask him calmly to leave the house that you own as I wouldn't want to put up with his emotional abuse and manipulation for one more day.

Of course he'd have contact with DS but the chances of him being given full custody are slim to none. Why don't you see a solicitor for one of those free half hour slots, to get an idea of how the land lies in that respect?

When you split up for that six months when DS was one, how often did he see DS? Sounds to me like he'd be too busy living his 'single' life to actually go ahead with going for full custody. He's most likely using that as a threat so that you stay. Don't fall for it.

Oh and how fucking dare he use your counselling against you?! Angry on your behalf. I'm currently having CBT and if anyone used that against me in the future they'd be out of the door so fast, their feet wouldn't touch the floor.

I am a LP to one DS(6). I love it. We have a great time, no one to wait on or cajole into coming out with us. We want to do it, we do, no big discussions with someone who needs to be convinced means that a we don't waste time.

OP, you say that your Ex is selfish, ATM you think that it just effects you, but your DS will become more and more aware as he grows. Do you think that your DP is modeling good adult behaviour. Would you like your DS to grow up thinking that either this is how men behave or that his needs are secondary to a man whose selfishness is do ingrained.

Of course you wish that you could be a happy family. When I left, I was bereft and felt such a failure. But I was not willing to compromise mine and DS's future happiness on account of my mistake in choosing his father.

DS sees his dad and when he does my Ex puts DS's needs first. It was hard and heartbreaking, but I have never regretted my decision and now life is great.

Hello Verygently

I am a lone parent to a 5 year old (and have been since he was 2.5). In my case the end of my marriage was a shock and exH left in the middle of IVF, post an ectopic pregnancy and a medical termination so I know the desire to have more children too.

It is not what I wanted or imagined (& I am 42 so unlikely to have more children as not in a relationship) but you know what - there ARE some advantages. So. A bit like when I was single and wanted to meet someone I decided to make the most of the advantages of single life, I have made a conscious decision (after a nightmare couple of years post split) to make the most of the advantages of it just being the two of us.

These are:-

• eating out (breakfast/lunch etc) much more affordable. As DS is still little, we will often share a main meal etc etc, we go out for breakfast lots (live at the beach), go out for breakfast picnics
• travel is cheaper and can be done fairly spontaneously without having to figure out others schedules
• fewer logistics means we go out to galleries, exhibitions and concerts much more than friend with several younger children
• spontaneity - if we see something in the newspaper we can just decide to put down what we are doing, leave the cleaning/cooking and just go to what sounds like fun

I also have bought a spare booster seat and regularly offer to pick up other kids from school for playdates etc so he has plenty of company.

I don't mean to sound Pollyannish. Sometimes I feel (figuratively) like I'm pressing my nose up against the glass of a restaurant where there are large family groups having a much better time (where we live is a bit Stepford and my family are all in the UK) but we have a lot of fun, freedom and are a lovely unit. He does see his Dad and has a nice realtionship with him and the OW and her son. It took me a while to accept the later but I think it is a positive for him and he gets a kind of sibling relationship part of the time.

I hope things work out for you the way you want. Good luck x