I left my EA H at the beginning of Feb, with our now 18mo daughter and dog. I have organised a home for us (which I love) and am starting to apply for full time jobs. My H has supervised (by his family) access with DD for 3 hours a week. The first few times DD was quite subdued after these sessions and I fear that H was quite emotional in front of her. Recently the visits have gone well and last time he even took her to the park. It is clear that their relationship is improving, which is a relief.
We were together for 4 1/2 years, married for 2 1/1 of those. H has a history of depression, however, I only discovered in December that this goes back at least 12 years... pretty much his whole adult life. He has never completed a course of antidepressants nor talking therapy, in fact, he has confided in me in the past that he never properly engaged with his counsellors. Having researched severe depression I have discovered that it runs in cycles but is curable if therapy is seen through to the end of it's course. Starting and stopping antidepressants (which my H has done intermittently throughout his adult life) can make the condition much worse.
My H was incredibly angry after separating and I was afraid to be in direct contact of him. A few weeks ago we ended up having to speak on the phone and he was much calmer and rational. Since then we have communicated via email to discuss the grounds for separation - I felt he was ready for a proper explanation and so I told him why I felt he drove us away. (Without going into too much detail, he had become increasingly abusive and I was afraid he was going to start hitting me) He was incredibly apologetic. We have arranged to go to mediation to become better co-parents. I have told him I would be willing to go to Relate in the future to work on our relationship as separated parents and also to explore the possibility of reconciliation, although I am still unsure of how I feel about this.
A couple of days ago I was in town with DD and she had lost her favourite toy. I was searching for it when we bumped into H. I burst into tears (not floods!) and explained we'd lost the toy so he helped us look for it. We then went for a coffee, the three of us. It felt natural to be together and H was fairly calm and rational. We talked a bit about our separation and he told me he wants us to get back together (he's still wearing his wedding band) and he wants to make it better than it was before. He told me that he's realised that he has to take responsibility for his mental health and for his actions. He has been reading a lot on the subject and has been taking steps towards self help, eg, regular exercise, continuing smoking (he used to stop and start, which effected his moods and his psychiatrist advised him to continue smoking but he ignored his advice). His psychiatrist has changed his medication and it appears to be working for him. He is waiting for therapy and is being visited every couple of days by the crisis team.
I really do believe that his abusive behaviour has been due to his depression.
Up until a couple of weeks ago I was sure that I wanted to file for divorce but now I am unsure. I feel confused as I have found that I have started to miss him and am looking out for his emails. I don't want to get back together and I don't want to file for divorce - I feel comfortable being separated for now. But still, I feel confusion.
My initial plan was to separate for up to a year and give H a chance to sort his mental health out and to support him from a distance. This may seem an odd perspective for a wife but the atmosphere at home was dreadful and I could tell it was beginning to effect DD. H also lost his temper and hit our dog, she used to tremble when he yelled at me. It was just awful, so I knew we had to leave. I also suffered many physical symptoms of stress, which are starting to subside now I've had some space.
Anyway... I had my initial plan which was to separate for up to a year but when I separated (staying at my parents for a couple of weeks) I spoke with someone at women's aid who advised me that his behaviour was abusive and I had to leave him and start my life again. I went to see a solicitor who told me I had grounds for divorce... it all seemed to happen so fast!
It was actually easier a few weeks ago when H was being angry and hostile but now he seems to be on the path to recovery I feel I owe it to our family to give him a chance to sort himself out.
I had real issues with anxiety before separating, which eased off after leaving but they've started to come back. I don't know if this is because I don't know what to do or because of the stress of having to make the decision, iyswim?
What do people think I should do?
(Apologies for the long post and thank you so much if you've got this far!)