Suddenly Separated and Pregnant

[zaraa2013]

Hi,
I'm new to this page. I'm just so devastated at the moment I thought I should give posting in a forum a try. Never done that before.

I've been together with my husband for more than 11 years and we've been married for almost 7 years. We've been trying to have a baby for more than 3 years and I've been through a couple of cycles of IVF and IUI's. My husband did encourage me to have another final cycle of IVF and we finally succeeded 3 month ago. I've been a bit reluctant to go through an IVF cycle again as I found it very difficult coping with all the hormones and steroids. In the end I did and I'm more than happy about the positive outcome.

Two weeks after I found out I'm pregnant my husband told me he wasn't happy in our marriage any longer and needed some time off so he moved out and took almost nothing with him apart from some clothes for the office. 4 days turned into 6 weeks. And yesterday, in our first couples therapy session - I thought he wanted to try that to get back together - he told me he had no plans whatsoever to move back in with me and instead was looking for his own place. He also told me he had been unhappy for 3 years (which is exactly about the time we started to try for a baby). I'm absolutely devasted and don't know what to do any more. I can't come to terms with the fact that he wanted me to go through another cycle of IVF and then decide to leave me when we finally "made" a baby!! Who does such a cruel thing? I do believe he's going through a Midlife Crisis as well. One day he was treating me like the loving devoted husband he used to be and then he started behaving like the biggest scumbag (excuse my language!) in the world. Does anyone have similar experiences or are there any support groups for separated and pregant moms in Southwest London? I'm feeling very lonely and anxious at the moment and would love to find some support or people with similar experiences who would like to meet up. I would really appreciate some feedback.

I'm so sorry you've been treated this way. Don't be surprised to find that there is someone else in the picture, will you? Happens so often as to be a clichee that 'not happy in our marriage' is code for that, especially if he has been behaving erratically towards you at the same time. I think it's also not uncommon that ttc can have one partner question this next step in the relationship and decide it's too much responsibility. Either that or they desperately go for it in an effort to keep things together.

Do you have any friends in the area? Are your family nearby?

At first I thought about him having an affair as well, but he looks really terrible at the moment and doesn't seem to take care of himself (grew a huge bushy beard and gained weight, not attractive at all). I believe he would be more vain if there was someone else involved. Also he's still wearing the weddingband when he meets up with me. I know, he could be doing it on purpose when he sees me.
Unfortunately I have very few friends in the area and my family does not live in the UK. Can't travel back and forth all the time to see them. :-( Hard times...

Bushy beard and weight-gain don't sound like a mid-life crisis either... The problem you have is that you don't know the true reason he's dumped you and - worse - you may never know but you can drive yourself nuts trying to work it out. I have no idea why he suggested couples therapy given that he has no intention of reconciliation and I would strongly recommend you knock that on the head as a waste of time. I don't think you should meet up with him either because all that achieves is keeping him top of mind, worrying about his appearance and makes it very difficult to move on.

Does your family know he's left? You might not be able to travel to see each other but 'a problem shared is a problem halved' and sometimes a friendly voice on the phone is better than nothing. If your friends are not nearby, ditto.

And then there are the practical matters. Have you sought legal advice yet? Are you OK for money? Do you jointly own/rent your home?

I'm really sorry to hear zaraa2013. My husband moved out almost a month ago. He dropped the bombshell he wanted out of our marriage less than 2 months ago, I thought we had a happy marriage. He did not want to work on our marriage and moved out instead. He has/had an attraction to someone at work.

I was very, very distressed at first. The first 3 weeks were horrid, I was in floods of tears every day and felt sick to my stomach everyday. Almost 2 months on, I am much better. I still feel desperately sad sometimes but I am in a much better place than I was 2 months ago and it will only get better. I am so sorry you are going through the same while you are pregnant but you know what? I am so, so grateful for my two little boys, they make me want to go on and they keep me from getting bitter etc. When your little baby is born, she/he will keep you going despite your feckless husband doing this very, very crappy thing to you. Best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy! I am in SE London, otherwise I would be there for you if you wanted to meet up.

My family is all the way in the other side of the world so I know how isolating it can be. I had 3-4 good friends who took turns to make sure they came and saw me almost everyday in those first few weeks and I will be eternally grateful to them for the support in those early days when I hardly felt I could move on.

hi Zara - I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Especially given the context of going through IVF etc. It sounds like he pretty much has his mind made up. You will get tons of amazing advice on here but from a practical point of view - as I went through this last summer - maybe it would be good for you to talk to someone aside from your couples counselling? Coping with all the stress of separation and being pregnant you are really going to need an outlet to vent especially if you don't have people that you can do that with already. (Can pm you details of a counsellor if it helps as I am SW London too).
Definitely tell your midwife and any other healthcare people you are dealing with for the pregnancy - mine were absolutely amazing when I eventually cracked one day with my obstetrician - they were incredibly supportive and kind.
Are you going to be ok having the baby/maternity leave etc - practically I mean?

I agree that seeing him in therapy is a not a good idea as he's only using the sessions to hurt me even more. Seems like sound advice. And the less I see or hear from him the better.

My family and friends know about the situation and we talk on he phone a lot. I just prefer to see people & talk to them as well so you don't feel so lonely any more. So far everybody I know was under the impression he would find his way back but now I know this is not an option at the moment.

Definitely thought about the pratical matters. I'm devastated but not delusional ;-)

zaraa2013 You sound pretty strong already! One of the ways I dealt with the situation was dealing with the practical stuff. I found it easier to deal with the black-and-white stuff than the emotional wrench that my husband was putting me through. We went to couples therapy but only had two sessions before he decided it wasn't helping and he wanted out anyway. It was obvious in the sessions that he wasn't keen to work on the marriage and in fact, it was rather hurtful hearing from the the stuff that came from him!

I feel much better being away from him and not having to endure the hurtful things he said about us/marriage to justify him leaving. I do believe we have a very good marriage for most part of it (even though he said it has been bad since the birth of our 2nd DC, which was 3.5 years ago and we bought our 'forever' home less than 2 years ago! ) but he needed to make himself feel less bad about leaving. But anyway, I am done with all that, I am only interested now in protecting my boys and healing myself. If you feel you cannot face telling the world yet (I didn't in the first few weeks), choose a few close friends you can rely on and confide in them. That was a real lifesaver for me in those early days!

Hi angel1976,
sorry to hear you had to go through so much trouble with your husband. What is wrong with some men? Why can't they just keep it in their pants and think about what they are puting at risk for once in a while!!
I believed I was in a happy marriage as well & that's why I find it so incredibly painful to accept what he did. It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I'm going to be a single mom and that the child is probably going to grow up without a dad, as my estranged hubby is not particularly interested in the baby so far.
I can't wait to have a baby bump (I'm only 3 month pregnant) and feel it kick for the first time as this would make my pregnancy more real for me as well. Nevertheless I'm very grateful for being pregnant at all. And maybe splitting up with my husband is a blessing I disguise as I can only deal with one baby in my life. ;-)
Thank you for offering to meet up. It's such a shame we don't live closer to each other as I would have loved to talk to someone in a similar situation.
And yes, living in a foreign country isn't always that easy. People you meet tend to leave all the time as nobody sems to live in London for good.

Hi Cooper,
thanks for your concern. I did speak to my GP recently because I suffer from mild depression due to all the hormonal changes in pregnancy and the stress with my husband. Unfortunately waitinglists for perinatal counselling are quite long. But I'll speak to our couples councellor individually as well and hope that will help me a bit until someone else is available. I'm ok in terms of maternity leave.

angel1976
I'm trying to be strong, but it does take a lot of effort. I'm always surprised how some people are so good at lying to themselves, especially for such an extended period of time. Only men would be silly enough to buy a 'dreamhouse" (or ttc or marry, the list goes on) with their wife eventhough they have checked out of the marriage emotionally already!
I do believe in karma, so at the moment I try to comfort myself by thinking that one day he'll realise what he has done and regret it forever. And even if that never happens eventually I'll be over him and have a beautiful child. Anything that helps to ease my mind...:-)

Really feel for what you are going through. I had a similar experience when I was pregnant last year (with my first), I moved out when I was 3 months pregant as my husband had drinking and agression issues (you would never know if you met him, very good job, out going, charismatic, etc), which just got so much worse when I was pregnant, and like you, my family are on the other side of the world. It was my first child, we'd been married just over one year. My husband was determined to make it work and I moved back when I was 7.5 months pregnany, albeit it certainly hasn't been a smooth time (my baby is now 9 months) and I still question my decision. Particuarly because you are not from England and long term, you may want to go back to the country where you are from, my advice to you is get good legal advice. As your husband, may well decide he might want to be difficult if you want to go back home. And he is well in rights to be difficult as the father and it could turn out to be a costly battle. I can let you know who I sought advice from, just message me.

I meant to say that I'm not in SW London but you may want to contact the group Gingerbread, its a single parent group. My heart goes out to you, it really it tough being away from family and like you, having had so many friends leave town for whatever reason. Look after yourself, sending lots of love.

I am so sorry about this. There is another way of seeing it, but this involves an honest conversation with your DH. The way it reads to me, the IVF had a real toll on both of you, and your relationship. Trying and failing for a baby can really destroy some couples. Perhaps his unhappiness stems from that. He probably wanted to leave all through the 3 years, but he did not want to leave you devastated because you did not have a child. To his mind, it is probably better for you to leave now that you are pregnant, as it eases his guilt.

Sorry "better for him to leave now" ... not "for you".