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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he's a messy untidy bugger and it makes me cry, I can't cope.

24 replies

Emjxxx · 17/04/2013 20:38

I know it sounds really stupid but I cant take it any more. We don't really argue and have a fab relationship other than this problem. But I can't stand all the mess. Just stuffed piled up everywhere, every surface is covered. I tidy up within 24 hours the piles are building up again. He cant get rid of anything there is so much crap lying around, stuffed in cupboards and sheds and the loft being kept "just incase" or "I'll get a couple of quid for that on ebay" it really really is stressing me out and making me miserable, I'm at the end of my tether with it. It makes me cry every day. I hate arguing with him about it, ive tried to talk to him and tell him just how much its upsetting me, but he doesnt seem to care. Im am honestly and truly terrified that his untidiness is going to be the end of us.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 17/04/2013 21:03

How long have you been living together?

Snuppeline · 17/04/2013 21:09

Get a big box and place somewhere you won't mind it too much. Chuck his junk into it and tell him to keep "stuff" there from now on. Anything not in box you simply throw away. Once a month empty box (e.g. Throw away if he hasn't got around to ebaying the stuff). Stick to it and I'm sure he'll learn. Xxx

Snuppeline · 17/04/2013 21:10

Haha! Can't believe I worte "xxx"!! Just been texting hubby - well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

RandomMess · 17/04/2013 21:12

So he's a hoarder? I'm untidy and like to keep stuff - OMG it is stressful, I have learnt to be ruthless - not sure how dh coped living with me in the early years.

I can completely understand why it could be a deal breaker for you.

singmespanishtechno · 20/04/2013 13:17

I totally empathise with you, my DP is very untidy and is liable to leave things lying around, including dirty clothes in the living room, shoes everywhere. I'm a little untidy myself so I was really struggling to keep the house clean. It caused a lot of arguments as I can't really relax in the middle of loads of mess, I tried writing letters/angry notes, splitting chores, nagging, I even took pictures of all the mess to show him how squalid it looked. None of it worked because his standards aren't the same as mine. And all the while I was getting FURIOUS as I thought he was expecting me to do it all because I am female.

We've just started a new system whereby he does all the cooking and food shopping and I do the cleaning. Even though I do think he should pick up after himself I find it much easier to spend time keeping the place clean and tidy when I know that I am getting a nice dinner every night and I don't have to go to the supermarket. And I'm much happier now that I don't think he is being sexist.

Is there anyway you could offset all the extra house work that you have to do with something that your other half could take on? Obviously when you are dealing with someone else's mess it is difficult to sort things and throw things away, but I like the box idea above as it will prompt him to do his own sorting.

I don't know if any of the above is helpful, but you are not alone in a messy home being a catalyst for problems in a relationship. Try not to get too stressed and I hope it works out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/04/2013 13:23

I think it probably is the end of you and you're going to have to make that crystal clear to him if anything's going to change. I don't know how long you've been together or how much is invested in this relationship but if he has a MH issue he needs to take responsibility and get treatment, and if he is simply messy he needs to sharpen up and realise there is more than one person living in the house.

Up the ante...

BasilBabyEater · 20/04/2013 13:28

This isn't a trivial problem, it doesn't sound stupid. Hoarders are a big fat PITA and very difficult to live with, it is absolutely reasonable to have this awful habit as a dealbreaker.

I think you need to sit down with him and explain that you can't live like this and that he needs to get a new house to house all his crap.

Or he could build a shed in the garden for it.

Or start prioritising which of his crap is actually important to him.

I can be harsh about hoarders because I used to be one. It dawned on me that I have a limited amount of space and I need to prioritise what it's important for me to keep in that space. But before I got to that point, I had to do an awful lot of thinking and talking (to a counsellor) about a whole load of other shit in my life which was weighing me down like the crap I was hoarding. Once I'd done that, I could see the wood for the trees.

I'm not saying he needs counselling to stop this habit, but he might do and he might benefit from it.

Also, fuck it, you actually cry about this every day and he doesn't seem to care? He can fuck right off tbh. People who care about each other, try not to make each other cry at all, much less every day. They don't ignore the fact that they're making the other person unhappy.

I hope you manage to sort it out.

LilQueenie · 20/04/2013 15:56

I sympathise with you OP. I have one too. He kept the gold wrapping tags from christmas to cut and stick along the edge of the bookcase....to make it look "posh"

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/04/2013 16:20

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You probably do not have any energy left to argue.

If he does hoard then your life with him is going to be one of complete and utter chaos. Hoarding is now classed as a type of mental illness.

MadBusLady · 20/04/2013 16:31

How long have you been together? Any DC?

Think it probably will be the end of you TBH if he just doesn't accept that it's really upsetting you. I mean, where do you go from there? The solution isn't for you to make even more effort, because you've tried solving the problem yourself. Even if you took a flamethrower to the lot it would presumably build right back up again.

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2013 16:43

This doesn't sound like mess and untidiness. It sounds like hoarding. Which is a whole other problem.

It sounds like you don't have any space to call your own, which is very unfair.

Are you married? How long have you been together and do you have children? All of these are relevant questions.

Would he consider counselling and does he realise this could be a deal breaker?

Horsemad · 20/04/2013 20:42

I live with a hoarder so I sympathise. No advice except what I do is pick everything up and dump it all in one place over and over again.
If his junk starts to encroach on family space then I move it.
The garage is full of junk but I don't mind too much as long as I can get to the freezer and dryer.

Footface · 20/04/2013 21:37

Aaagggghhhh it's shit isn't it. My dp is unable to throw anything away! Once in a while he'll have a sort out, and there will be leaflets from 10 years ago. Fucking 10 years. It's really hard to deal with.

The only way I cope with it is put all his stuff in a box and leave it

He is also messy. If a clear a space it gets filled. Honestly I don't know where it comes from. It didn't stress me out before the dc's but now I find it hard looking after them in a messy house.

Footface · 20/04/2013 21:39

Oh and every now and then I put stuff in the bin. He'll never know as there so much, and if he decided he wanted it he wouldn't know where to start to look. So win win.

I know it's bad but sometimes it's get too much

AllOverIt · 20/04/2013 21:43

My DH is really messy. We've been together 12 years. It's really hard. I joke about it to friends but inside sometimes I am screaming.

I've had countless conversations about it. He genuinely doesn't see it. He tries, but our standards are just different.

No real advice. It's a daily battle. You have my sympathies

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 20/04/2013 21:46

I'm a hoarder

Start with choosing a certain area of the room or worktop where he is definitely not allowed to place stuff, other area remain fine to dump stuff for now. Then expands the areas so his 'dumping area' decreases.

Horsemad · 20/04/2013 21:55

OMG! DH gas just come in with a laptop bag that FIL has given him for DS1!!
We have two laptops, and two laptop bags - neither laptop leaves the house so bags are not necessary...
So why is he bringing yet more stuff into the house???!!
Have sent DH to take bag back to FIL - I'll be the baddie in this, you watch!

7to25 · 22/04/2013 07:21

FIL has the same problem and MIL is a neat freak.
He has the garage and only the garage. It works for them but they now have TWO garages as he built another to house the overflow.
His is definitely a reaction to an impoverished childhood and a "make do and mend" upbringing.

whitecloud · 22/04/2013 14:30

Emjxxx - I sympathise. My dh is a hoarder and I have used the box system. But he does try and tidy up when I get upset about it - think you have a real problem if he doesn't care how you feel. He also does throw things away eventually. Some tricks - sneakily take the bottom ones from a pile of magazines (having put them in date order!) and throw away so the pile doesn't ever spill into another space. Sneak down the drive to throw stuff away after the bins are put out and he has gone to work! Think people like this have an insecurity from childhood and it comes out in hoarding. You almost have to save them from themselves by chucking the junk out for them.

But if is really serious he does need help/counselling to actually throw certain things away. If it is filling whole rooms it does sound serious. Best of luck.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/04/2013 14:45

That would be a deal breaker for me as well.
I hate mess.

It's just not necessary.
I'm sure I would have gone mad by now and put it all in a pile in the garden and set fire to it.
You will have to confront him though and deal with this if you don't want it to be end for you.
As others have asked - how long have you been together? Kids??

Dahlen · 22/04/2013 14:50

Ask once for something to be removed. Give a single reminder if you're feeling generous. Don't ask a third time, just bin. I do this with my DC. Works a treat.

Horsemad · 22/04/2013 16:43

tempting!

dogsandcats · 27/04/2013 11:11

Google hoarding.
There are a number of psychological reason for hoarding.
Try and work out with him [or perhaps you already know], the reasons why he personally hoards.
Good luck.

CarnivorousPanda · 27/04/2013 19:00

It had got to the stage in our house where there were rooms so full of clutter, you could barely get in there. It was embarrassing as well -if I had people round, I couldn't ever show them round the house.

Now , like Footface I get rid of things by stealth - 4 bags of ancient leads and wires were junked recently. He has so much stuff, he hasn't missed anything so far. I also present him with bags of clutter to deal with and give him a time limit to do so. Maybe that sounds tough, but I've had years of living like this and I've realised it was never going to be dealt with.

If you've got so upset over this, but he doesn't care and still won't do anything, then you have a serious issue here. I suppose the bottom line is -can you cope living like this for years on end?

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