"We were on a break!"

[Theala]

DP and I are having big problems at the moment. He's bipolar and gets irritated and annoyed really easily. This leads to him shouting, giving out and generally going around like a foul-mouthed bear with a sore head.

I find this mildly annoying at the best of times, but at the moment it's just winding me up so much it's really doing my head in. I ask him to stop but he doesn't/can't. I work from home and he's currently unemployed and doing work on our house, so there's no escape. So we're shouting at each other and generally being mean and saying things we regret.

This has been going on for a few weeks now.
We were meant to be moving out to the country, which would apparently be very good for DP's stress, but we can't decide where to move to. He wants to move half-way up a mountain in the arse end of nowhere; I want to move somewhere more civiliezd. I had high hopes for the last place we visited, but DP decided he didn't like it. The current conflict started around then. We had a period of everything being really good between us until then.

So now (finally coming to the point) today we talked and DP offered to move out for a while to give each other a break. Two-thirds of me thinks this is a great idea, the other third is worried that we're just fooling ourselves and that is really a sign that it's over between us, because "everyone knows that trial separations never work out".

Can anyone offer some advice, or your own experiences of taking a break from your relationship? Can it ever work out positively?

Thanks

really, i'm all on my own with this?

Hi there, no not on your own. You can see from my posting history I'm in no place to offer advice but I'll try.

Are you in a position to go away for a weekend? By yourself to have 72 hours space and reassess his suggestion when you're back?

Might be enough space, give each other the chance to miss each other a little before making the bugger decision of a break?

IMO you may as well try having a wee break from each other because it sounds like if you don't you will just break up anyway. If you truly love each other you should give it a chance to see if it works.
If it doesn't work out at least you know you did give it a fair go.

However, When i was younger I told my bf i wanted to go on a break and after one week he e-mail me telling me I had to make a decision about what I wanted. I askd my dad for advice and he told me nobody should fanny around with "breaks". That it was childish and I should have just made a decision. I broke up with the bf and never looked back. Best decision.

Maybe you know it's over but don't want to let go?

All the best xx

Your not on your own, a trial could well work u will see if u miss each other and missing each other could bring your spark back! U need to way ur pros and cons and see what ur happier with if ur happier together with a struggler or alone.

I would be worried about him wanted to move to the middle of no where it could just be me but i see it as isolation and control but thats past experience so i could be wrong id just be careful if u choose to do that as ur under each others feet now id be stuck at the hip then with no escape to the shop for a breather!

I realise i havent really given you advice , but a break doesnt always mean break up its just a chance to where your happier and thats all that counts.

Don't know why you have no replies! I've no real experience, but my dh and I nearly did this and I think it would be a good idea to set lots of ground rules, especially since you have quoted ross from friends in your title :).
Have you tried relationship counselling?

My DP's parents decided to have a break after 24 year's of marriage, when DP was 23. They saw each other all the time and lived close to each other. Four years later they got back together, and a year later they renewed their vowes and DP says he has never seen them so happy and in love.

During their seperation they rediscovered themselves as individuals, started their own hobbies, made their own friends, became self reliant, and then still got on really well and fell in love again!

My DP's parents tried dating other people, as they didn't view the seperation as temporary, and they both realised that no one else qould quite do and actually they got on really well, they had just lost sight of that in the mundanities of life.

Sorry, no advise about a break, but as others have said, beware of moving somewhere too isolated.
There could be very little escape from each other.
If DP was employed would he be working from home, or would he commute?
Would a long commute add to his irratation?

Do you have children?

I tried a break with XH. Nuff said?
What do you get out of this relationship by the way? Have you considered what would be good for your own stress levels? I doubt moving to the middle of nowhere with a grumpy moody git will improve them.

I think you need a break - either temporary or permanent - from someone who sounds very selfish, constantly irritable, shouting at you and making your life miserable. If he's bipolar he should take responsibility for himself, get treatment and therapy, not take it out on you or expect you to move to the middle of nowhere.

I do know of one relationship where the DH moved out for 6 months and the marriage was ostensibly over...they are now back together and very solidly so. They have kids, so an added incentive to work things out, and neither has bipolar, but it worked out for them.

Hi and thanks all for the replies.
No, we don't have kids. We were half-assedly TTC (just not using contraception) but nothing happened. The thought of never getting to be a mother is killing me. I'm 38, so most likely if we break up now that'll be the end of that.

Cogito, he is getting treatment and therapy, but was only diagnosed last year, so it's taking time. His psychiatrist also think he'd be much calmer in the countryside. The city centre (where we live now) gives him sensory overload.

The shouting at me has been a very recent thing. Mostly he just rants and raves away to himself, but out loud. I've asked him to tone it down, but especially when he's stressed, he finds it hard. It does wear me down though.

I don't know what I'm getting out of the relationship anymore. I love him, or at least I did, and he loves or loved me. We had a lovely future planned. We make each other laugh.

I don't know. I'm all over the place at the moment. I don't want him to leave today and I'm convinced we can sort it out, but at the start of the week I had decided it was definitely over. I don't know what I'm doing.