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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you feel about this?

25 replies

carla · 15/05/2006 12:51

Last Saturday, first up. H had been tinkering on PC for longer than I would like - I could hear him.

Bearing in mind that last year things came to a crunch when I discovered he'd been engaging in internet porn, bearing in mind he denied it to me, his family, and finally, to Relate (where he denied it and she said 'it's not illegal, you know' and I walked out.

How would you feel if you had discovered he's still doing it, couldn't admit to it - let alone say sorry - and treated you like shite for finding out?

I've written it all down and blu-tacked it to our kitchen cupboard, but with mum coming over on Saturday he's taken it down and our pc only keeps the 'history' bit for 2 weeks, and I don't know how to print it out.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:

Original poster

carla · 15/05/2006 13:00

Somebody please say something. Am I going mad? Do I need to put up with this? Is it all part and parcel?

OP posts:

moondog · 15/05/2006 13:02

It's a tough one.
Personally,it wouldn't bother me as long as he wasn't actually meeting/conversing with people,but for others it seems to be a huge no no.

The internet is addictive full stop (as I well know)but if it causes you such distress,I would have thought he would try harder.

Are you an all or nothing type or could you contemplate 'allowing' him limited access?

adozenroses · 15/05/2006 13:06

Hi Carla. I have never understood a man's obsession with porn, and I know how you must feel at the moment.

I found my dh had been looking at porn a few weeks ago (sodding Pamela Anderson - would you believe!!!) and I hit the roof, naturally!!

He did exactly the same thing, and completely denied it -wtf!! I don't understand why men can't just admit when they have been caught. He too managed to twist things round saying I don't trust him, and I should believe what he tells me.

They are just like kids - well my dh is!!!!

adozenroses · 15/05/2006 13:08

Should add to that, the porn doesn't bother me (pamela anderson does, though!!) but I don't like him lying about it.

lunarx · 15/05/2006 13:08

you can change the history settings on your PC for longer than 2 weeks. both mine and dh's keep for 3+ weeks (as i tend to forget good websites i visit so having the history available is helpful!)

i've been in a similar boat lately...dh downloading porn again, wont admit to it (just gives a flippant answer when i ask)

i know with dh, he uses porn when we arent having much sex (which really, im okay with, takes the pressure off me.) trying to control his use of porn will most likely make him MORE angry about it.

how would he react if you just IGNORED it? (talking to others about it is the best way to get it off your chest, so continue to do that!)

its a tricky situation.. and a lot of men understand, but unfortunately probably just as many don't.

notasheep · 15/05/2006 13:10

my dp has done the same,so no trust in our relationship now

Original poster

carla · 15/05/2006 13:16

I could kind of cope with it if he admitted to it, that he can't keep off it. But for him to lie to Relate, when that, at that point, was the crux of the matter, was too much. I don't know now if he ever stopped. If he admitted to it I probably wouldn't see it as the completely seedy thing I do now.

OP posts:

Original poster

carla · 15/05/2006 13:17

lunarx, I have managed to work out how to change the settings, but how do I print them? There seems no option to do so.

OP posts:

moondog · 15/05/2006 13:18

Have you told him that Carla?

Original poster

carla · 15/05/2006 13:18

notasheep, I'm sorry for you. I/you know how it feels.

OP posts:

Original poster

carla · 15/05/2006 13:20

moondog, he's in denial. He hasn't looked at any porn, though me putting the log on the kitchen cabinet must've made some headway. I can't talk to him about it, without him getting abusive.

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Esmummy · 15/05/2006 13:21

Think the only was is to print a screen shot whilst you have the history oage open Carla.
DP looking at porn doesn't bother me at all and as someone else said it sometimes takes the pressure off me but if he lied and couldn't admit to it I would wonder if there was something more to it.

moondog · 15/05/2006 13:21

Well,I can see why you're angry then.
Lying about it is a completely separate issue isn't it??

Rhubarb · 15/05/2006 13:22

Go to 'Options' on the pc, then 'Internet settings' and there you will find 'History' at the bottom, change the number of days it stays in.

If you go into history and go to 'Edit', 'Select all', then press Control and the 'c' key at the same time, you have copied all that info. Go into Word, press the Control key and 'v' at the same time and it will display all your copied text onto Word for you to print. In theory, this should work.

It is an addiction and it sounds like he is too ashamed to admit it to anyone else. Perhaps he is scared of being judged? But you obv find it a problem so for your sake, he needs to get it sorted. In 'Internet Options' you can also change the security of your pc, so you can have the security setting set at a higher level so that he'll be unable to get into many porn sites.

Sign him up for a children's AOL account!

Hoopoe · 15/05/2006 13:25

You could try doing a screen dump (ctrl, print screen), paste into Paint (ctrl, insert) and print from there. Or cut and paste into Word (highlight the text, ctrl c, go to Word, ctrl v). Sorry - can't try these out as I have a Mac but from memory that's what I would try...

Hoopoe · 15/05/2006 13:27

It's the lying that would really bother me.

Original poster

carla · 15/05/2006 13:36

Hoop, exactly. Will try those. Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

carla · 15/05/2006 13:40

adoz, am I being unrealistic in not believing my H is just behaving like a child? My mum says if her partner had access to it, he'd be on it all day. But FGS, he's 30 odd years older than me, we have dds aged 6 and 7. I thought I could want for more, but am I being unreasonable?

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lunarx · 15/05/2006 13:56

when you say, you cant talk to him without him getting abusive?

i hope FFS he isnt hitting you.

yes he should know better. :I

hmm there isnt an option to print it.

the only thing i could suggest is, opening up the history file (so you can see the web addresses) - making a screen shot of it (you'll need paint shop pro or something similar to do this) and then printing that.

are you printing it just to show him that you know he is lying? would that make him madder?

Molton · 15/05/2006 14:15

Controversial but, why is it up to you to "allow" whether he looks at this stuff or not? (If it's mainstream stuff.) I personally think almost all men like it / look at it, I see it as their equivalent of our thinking fond thoughts about brad pitt. And to my mind it's completely different to having an affair. It's just the way the male mind works. I think your options are:

somehow make him give it up (which I don't think will work and he'll resent you for it)
change your view of it and diffuse the situation.

He probably lied because he feels a bit grubby about the whole thing (they do, you know, but can't help it - kind of like the way us women feel after eating the rest of the easter eggs in one go.) not surprised he got p*ed if you told his family about it and took him to relate.

Hope this helps?

moondog · 15/05/2006 14:17

Yes,why did you tell his/your family?
What business is it of theirs?

bluejelly · 15/05/2006 14:37

To be honest it wouldn't bother me. I think over 90% of men use porn-- all my exes have. Also, as I was reading in the guardian only today, lots of women enjoy it too.
Sorry you are going through such a hard time though... do you think this is a symptom of deeper problems in the relationship ?

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 15/05/2006 14:43

I agree with Molton. Hes an adult and if he wants to look at porn then thats his choice... but he should take your feelings into account and compromise.

I sort of know how you feel but the situation is entirely different, you disagree on something and hes doing it anyway even though it makes you miserable... and the feeling that your emotions and opinons are meaningless really hurts so i sympathise with you.

Original poster

carla · 15/05/2006 15:28

Tamba, that's exactly it. If he could be up front about it, I'd see it in a different light. But he's in denial.

OP posts:

Molton · 15/05/2006 16:15

Maybe you have to rise above it (and make sure you treat youself to something he doesn't approve of e.g. unnecessary shoes......)

LOL

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