Lying

[skaboy]

A while ago I posted a thread about my situation, which tbh I felt wasn't helping me move on so stopped posting in it. Basically to summarise: I split from my wife a few months ago after finding out about her affair with a guy from work. Now, I'm feeling a lot stronger generally, having a pretty good life by bringing as much positive stuff out of the situation as I can - more time, catching up with old friends, better quality time on my own with the kids, exercise, live well etc.

However, I'm still finding out bits and bobs about what has been happening and the thing that gets me the most are the lies. A lot of them revolved / revolve around getting around my good nature and her expecting me to just swallow them. Its so ridiculous that someone you have been with for 14 years can look you in the face say one thing, yet both of you know its not true....plus I think she even knows its obvious she's lying too.

This is one of the big factors behind my being able to detach so quickly from the relationship.

The lies revolve around her status with this other guy....sometimes she says she's with him, sometimes not. At the moment apparently she isn't (according to her). I actually don't care much either way any more. To be honest I laugh internally when I think about the ridiculous nature of what she is saying. I've been out quite a bit, had some interest, but seem some kind of inexplicable reflex which makes me blurt out 'I have a wife and kids' before anything actually happens. I'm pretty sure I'll be single for a while, unless I do happen to meet someone down the line. I've kind of accepted this is what I need to get stronger. So really its not a massive issue whether she's with him or not to be honest.

We are both still in the same house but split weekends with the kids, and both work full time so don't see each other much at all. I probably do about 70-80% of the house / kid-related chores because she has a back problem which she will need an operation on in a few months. When we are talking about kids, practical stuff or each others work (basically anything not to do with our ex-relationship or her new one) everything is pretty much ok. We're working towards a longer term situation (originally I left but then went back there because the kids need me and I felt I shouldn't leave). Personally I think I need to be the resident parent but it will take more couple counselling (we've done 5 sessions now) and probably mediation to get her to agree.

I put the continued lies down to her being worried about losing the house, kids or perhaps something to do with the other guys long-term partner (can't seem to get much out of her about what is going on there). She might also be trying to 'save face' although unfortunately for her she already has since its become public amongst mutual friends / family.

I'll also add the reason I know she is lying is that she leaves traces of it all over her internet history, emails etc - that's how I originally found out and now I'm just monitoring it from time to time to make sure I know what's really going on.

So really, this thread is not about the relationship - I know its fucked and I'm better off out of it - more about how to combat lying, or just to feel unaffected by it. I know I'm pretty much honest about everything, whereas I guess she is having to live with the stress of keeping it covered up. However, its the main problem in an otherwise ok-ish break-up and leads me to question her agenda. Does anyone have any advice to give? Or similar stories to share?

I don't have a similar story but just wanted to say your approach sounds really admirable - thinking about the kids, being mature, going to counselling. It must be pretty hard to still be living together, and it sounds like you need to sort out a new, permanent living situation as soon as possible.

But if the marriage is over, why do you need to check her internet history? Why does it matter if she's made a mess of her new relationship, or not? When you find out that she's lied again, does it make you feel bad about all the lies that she's told you over the years?

On one hand you sound like you're healthily detached from the relationship, but on the other hand it sounds like you're still in the relationship and she still has the capacity to hurt you.

Yeah I know that's the case. I think if I'm trying to be reasonable and work through this with her, the least she can do is be honest with me. It just worries me there might be another agenda. The hurt is pretty much gone, its the mutual respect which ultimately will define how well we handle this for the kids. I'll probably hold off on checking stuff (I've not been doing this much at all since we broke up - only to justify my perceptions of what she is saying - correctly as it turns out).

In the next counselling session I'm going to possibly bring this up. But maybe I should say nothing?

" how to combat lying, or just to feel unaffected by it."

You can't feel unaffected and you can't stop a liar lying. When you finally move away from each other and move on, after plenty of time has passed, you'll find it easier to live your own life and what she says or does will be less relevant or interesting. But while you're still trying to stay under one roof and it's all very fresh I think you have to roll with the punches a little. Obviously, stand up for yourself. Any really obvious whoppers, call her out on them.... No need to keep being Mr Nice Guy.

Yeah I think I have actually told other people that liars tend to....well lie a lot! I should take my own advice. Once I'm in a situation where I don't have to see her much or share a house with her I think I will find this easier. Until then I need to keep laughing privately at it (this seems to be a good coping mechanism) rather than being offended by it. Its hard though!

Should add.... I think your guess that the lies are because she fears disclosing the full truth will make things worse for her or she'll lose out in some way is probably correct. Some people think that if their ex-partner is particularly angry about the split they'll be less generous with any financial arragnements, for example. It could also be (ironically) that she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.... 'least said soonest mended' and all that. That's why it's important to start the separation process proper and please, stop checking her e-mails etc. You're gaining nothing from that.

Yep, there's another thing I forgot to add. When we split, she said she wanted 'six months space' to work out what she really wanted - ie me or the other guy. I've said all along that I am not working to this timescale and if we're split, then we're split. I won't do limbo-land. It was a pretty stupid proposal on her part tbh.

However, she might actually think if she keeps me sweet, she can try to get back with me if things go wrong with this other guy. That's my main worry about an agenda and why its perhaps taken longer to separate properly. I just want an easy life now!

If I were you I think I would bring it up at the counselling session, because if it's going to come out somewhere that's probably the best place for it. And it sounds like it's linked to how you feel about the relationship in general.

In the meantime, laughing privately is an excellent strategy! Just keep a check on it that you're laughing so that it doesn't affect you, not laughing in an 'oh my god, this just proves what a bitch she is' way, because if you start thinking like that then you're still letting her get to you.

Also, the checking up thing was more about making sure I know what was going on in case this turns bad down the line - she is pretty volatile and ruthless when she wants to be. So I'm trying to do this nicely and hope she does too (I think she definitely does for the kids sake), but just need to be a little bit prepared.