Woke up this morning in a foul mood.

[Keifersutherland]

Myself and dh have had a strained few years, and a few months ago stayed at his parents (while they were on holiday) for a few days while we worked out our relationship.

This weekend I had family visiting, and dh was good, until he got drunk.

Friday night we went into town, all was good, drinks were flowing, and dh just seemed to switch, he started looking at other women but in embarrassing way, so I tried to get him to come back, all the while I being told to fook off, etc.... A lad came up to me and asked me where the best places were, and dh marched right up to me put his arms around me and kissed me, but not in a nice way. I felt sorry for the guy and tried to ask were the good clubs are and he just ignored us, poor guy looked at me like I was in desperate need of help.

That night, dh slept on the sofa, and unfortunately he wet the sofa (i have to state dh has a medical condition, and this can sometimes happen, he can take medication for this but leaves him impotent) I asked if he cleaned it up and I knew he was lying so I pulled the sofa out and sure enough our wood floor was soaking, but he said he thought I would clean it up, at this I got the mop, bucket and bleach and im afraid to say I threw it at him.

Our oldest child plays football, at his football matches on the Saturday morning dh was really loud and laying into him, I kept shouting at him to lay off as ds is only 7, and he does not need that pressure on him. Dh then swore at me and said "what the fuck did I know about football" I said this isn't about football, its about YOU damaging our child's confidence, he doesn't need to be told off by you constantly and then by his coach.

Saturday morning dh apologises and says he can't remember. Football issue he thinks he was correct.

So Saturday night, in our home time, me and family not really drinking, except for 3 of the men, which was dh.

Everything was fine, until we got home, then I became a bitch, slut (I've only ever slept with dh) he's only with me because of the kids etc....

Sunday morning I was at work and couldn't say anything as our children were present, but I didn't pull him aside and told him, did he have a good night last night and he said he did, I said well at least one of us did, after all I was just a fooking slut who needed putting in my place (apparently he was furious that he had to clean his own urine up and bleach the sofa and floor) he looked at me in shock.

So that was my weekend.

Today I feel down, I'm sick of doing all the housework, he does nothing (except bins, and putting the Washing away) but everything else is left to me.

However he does work 12 hr days, 7 days a week. And he is an amazing father, if he can he will do bedtime, pick the kids up from school, and do anything he possibly can do when it comes to our sons.

He rarely drinks as we don't get the chance too.

As a wife I just feel like I'm a cleaner, a worker, cook etc.... We go to bed at night and he turns his back on me.

I know he's had enough of our situation, he feels like I don't love him, and I do, with all my heart, I don't know of his weekends behaviour, is now finally got to me or if I'm taking my frustration at the lack of our marriage.

I don't know what to expect from this post tbh.

if he is truly sorry for the way he behaved he will seriously consider counselling. If he feels any guilt about the way he behaved he will take steps to get it sorted. If he wants to be a good father and husband he needs to truly believe that you as worthy of respect as everyone else.
Does he get drunk and nasty with colleagues or other family? I bet not, I would put my last tenner on you and the DC's getting it all.
I'm not a fan of LTB but if he won't put any type of plan in place to sort himself out then you need to put your own plan together.

Why is it all down to you? My DH is out of the house only slightly less than that, Monday-Friday and as soon as he is at home, everything is 50-50.

You also need to contact your GP again about the counselling taking ages to be sorted. There is an NHS time limit on how long they can keep you waiting, I believe. But I thinkpart of your unhappiness will stem from being in a relationship where you are not much more than a skivvy. A skivvy who is expected to clean up the piss of another adult.

But you seem to need to minimise and excuse everything away. You can't get good advice if you minimise things. If something is habitual to you, then okay, it might be a shock to read strangers being shocked, worried and outraged on your behalf, but that should be a wake-up call, not a move to defend him.

He needs to learn proper ways of showing affection. Even in a man without medical issues that affect that area, it is a pathetic, immature and selfish way to show affection. It also manipulates a partner into having sex if they need or want affection, even if they do enjoy and desire sex anyway. It's really manipulative to only really show your emotion in one way that serves your pleasure.

Also, if he has medical problems with his genitals that means he can either take meds but not get erections or he can't drink lest he piss himself, and he won't take the meds, then he must become teetotal. What normal person, even with a family history, would think pissing yourself was an acceptable pay-off for getting drunk?!

I tell you what else is a shared problem in the family: the wives and partners of these men who get drunk knowing it'll make them incontinent, having to clear up piss, having to try to hide it from their children, make excuses, try to stuff down the humiliation of being expected to clean up the urine of an adult unwilling to take any steps to help their own bladder problems.

If you cannot understand why a man who is not decent towards his partner is parenting badly by doing so, then no-one's going to be able to help you. If you can't work that out for yourself, then you are not in a place where you can cope with the truth. Any idiot can have fun with a child. Being a role model is a lot harder.

And by having that attitude, you're also teaching your children a shit message about women taking abuse and it being okay for men to abuse.

Any I can accept cristism, but I don't think telling me "here comes the excuses" "he's not a good dad" is helping or in any way constructive, when its simply the truth. I'm not making excuses for him.

Its my relationship with him that I need help with, he seem to have checked out completely, and after his outburst, that he's only with me for the kids, is ringing true, as I'm sure that's how he feels.

It was only 3 months ago he left to go stay at his mums, and not much has changed since then.

I know I dont want to continue living like this, I'm just my sure its worth my marriage, because he's so unemotional and unhelpful.

He isn't a good dad though is he - he bullies his children to massage his own ego

"Our oldest child plays football, at his football matches on the Saturday morning dh was really loud and laying into him, I kept shouting at him to lay off as ds is only 7, and he does not need that pressure on him. Dh then swore at me and said "what the fuck did I know about football" I said this isn't about football, its about YOU damaging our child's confidence, he doesn't need to be told off by you constantly and then by his coach."

Also, you threw the bleach at him? Really???

I really think you both need to look at your behaviour - your children WILL pick up on the tension and this does not sound like a healthy relationship.

Reread your OP, then your subsequent ones. Once you'd taken flight from what we were telling you. It's there in black and white.

You told us he was abusive.

Now you tell us he's not.

Which is it?

Oxford so many things right true with your post, I need to accept them don't I.

I need tong onto work, otherwise il be late.

Back later.

His behaviour towards you is abusive so you need to do something about it otherwise your children will grow up thinking the way he behaves towards you is normal.

I've neer said he wasn't abusive, I can very state he is when drunk.

And sober

Any abuse of the mother is abuse of the children. A mother is at the centre of a child's world; to see that centre demeaned and abused is to ruin their world and destroy their belief that the world can be safe and good. Abuse of the mother also trains boys to be abusers and girls to be victims when they themselves grow up. Witnessing abuse doesn't automatically mean a child will grow up to abuse or be abused, but I have never yet read one instance of abuse in any MN thread about relationship problems, or encountered one in RL, where the abuser and the victim haven't grown up with shitty attitudes as the standard or witnessed actual abuse, or been abused themselves.

If you don't think that your right to not be abused is not enough to end the marriage, then what help do you want? Anything else will just be ways of teaching you to delude yourself, minimise his behaviour and keep your kids in a situation that will damage them.