Bit of a mess - need a virtual hug please

[nowit]

H and I have been separated for almost a month now.

We had been having a rough time for 6 mths or so and then it all came to a head on Mother's day when he hit me repeatedly and then I told him to go.

He had never done anything like that before and has never been aggressive. He went to the doctors, is in Anti-Ds, he has been seeing a counsellor and was referred to Respect (Relate for DV afaik) and has been to sessions.

I haven't stopped him from seeing the DC at all and he has been here almost everyday and has taken the children to his parents etc, he is paying his way and being very very reasonable and fair about everything.

I miss having him around but i think all love was lost when he hit me and i very much doubt it can be recovered.

I am struggling as he is here a lot and 'makes' me repeatedly tell him that I don't love him any more, in a roundabout way. He tells me he wants me, loves me, knows that together we are better for the DC than apart. He tells me he has realised that he's been a fool.

He has moved into a flat nearby with no wifi/TV etc (although he can have these things, he seems to be self-flogging) and his only focus is getting back together.

I have told him that this can't happen right now, he needs to fix him and get to the bottom of why he reached that point, it will not happen over night. He doesn't seem to hear me and each time he comes round I end up sobbing.

I don't want to stop him coming because it's important for the DC. If I'm totally honest I am frightened that he will harm himself or stop helping financially or both if things start to not go his way.

He is totally alone, no friends or family that he will reach out to locally and i'm so so sad for him and for the loss of us - i just don't know what to do for the best

If you've got this far then thank you, any help or advice gratefully received - just feel a bit lost atm and very very tired of being strong and holding it all together.

You can have your tiny violin - completely free of charge. Hell - you can have a cello if you want. You have so much on your plate.

How about:
Telling H he's welcome on e.g. Saturday and he's taking the kids out for a picnic. Put your feet up. He's welcome on a Tuesday and he's making their tea (or washing up after tea). Seems to me he's not doing very much practical stuff if he's got time to sexually harrass you. Anyway, he shouldn't just be 'popping round', as he doesn't live there anymore.
Have a shower when the kids are asleep in bed
Pull him up on any comments - "That is inappropriate. Do not say that again"
If funds permit, treat yourself to a cleaner for a few hours a month (or perhaps some ready meals). Get the cleaner to do the 'luxury' bits that you don't have any time to do (but probably fret about).

I'm bound to say that I agree he's still abusing you and not taking you seriously as a person. I don't know how you can fix that, because it's a choice he's made. All I can suggest is that you restrict his access to YOU as much as possible. You know that, of course, and I realise that practical and financial considerations may make that - erm - challenging.

Things will get easier - you're doing a grand job so far.

Your DH has very successfully made you feel very sorry for him rather than you feeling absolutely furious for what he did to you. Instead of you worrying about whether he will harm you again you are worried about whether he will harm himself. This is classic behaviour & he has done it in spades.I was you years ago when the same thing happened and because I put him first instead of myself I got bullied by him for years, not to mention having to listen to self pitying crap. Despite your DH having noone to talk to & being in possession of tablets he seems to have bounced back remarkably well. You on the other hand are really struggling and are breaking your neck trying to keep some semblance of normality. Please stop doing this. Put yourself first because he will never put you first. Tell him when/if he can visit, set out times etc. Tell him to take DCS out for while, drop them off & don't come in. Ring the police & report the assault. If he is so sorry about assaulting you he will show true remorse. He says he has been a fool, he hasn't been a fool, he has broken the law & assaulted you. Look closely why he has no friends. If he gives you any crap about access or anything else get legal advice. If you don't stick up for yourself now you will create a rod for your own back.

Go and chat to WA. They will have heard this story a million times because it is utterly textbook behaviour. Please take it from me he is taking the piss out of your kind nature. I have been around the block & the women I have met who told their EA partners to fuck off came out of this situation a lot better financially & mentally than women like you and (the old) me who tried to be helpful. I don't mean to sound cross with you and know this is a dreadful time but I would hate you to still be in this situation in ten years or more. Please put yourself first. Good luck, I really hope you put your shoulders back & tell him to do one. You will gain self respect which will help you be the strong woman & brilliant mum that you already are without him sabotaging you!

If you are at all worried about him harming himself except if he was serious he'd have done it already have a chat with Samaritans.