Tired of Verbal Abuse - How Do I Tell Him I'm Leaving?

[Heather99]

We've been together for 9 years. The verbal abuse started shortly after we moved in together, but I didn't leave. His mother took her life about a year after we got together, so I wanted to be there for him.

He's been depressed ever since and seems to just get worse instead of better.

He used to drink & then would scream & yell at me everything you could ever imagine. Then he'd get mad if I brought it up the next day. Luckily he quit drinking, but now he eases the pain w/ drugs. I still get the same screaming and yelling about things he's not happy with.

He's so depressed he gets into these rages that freak me out. I can't do or say anything right when he's like this.

He also nit picks at everything. I've been walking on egg shells for 9 years and I'm so incredibly tired of it. You never know what he's going to get ma about. He'll be in a good mood and then you give him the slightest wrong glance and bamm. He's pissed off.

I don't give him enough affectiong, I don't cook enough, I dont this I don't that.... One thing I hate is the comment "use your brian!" or "what are you thinking"

You know, I tell him I don't like it when he talks to me like that but it doesn't matter. He doesn't care. He'll just say, "I'm not trying to make you feel bad" or " I'm not trying to put you down"...

We've constantly been stressed over money. He's always out of work which I know partially is his trade, but not completely. When his mom passed I understood he was in a bad place, then a few years later he'd tell me, I just don't anything to 'motivate' me to work. He tells me this now too but, it's because we still live in the same house, so until we buy a house, there's nothing to "motivate" him to work. .... like I was never enough to motivate him to keep busy with work? He thinks we should be able to live off my income and his unemployment just fine.

I could go on and on. He'll bit** about the house being a mess, but I"m the one working all day and what is he doing? He'll say "we live like slobs, we're disgusting..." I don't think I'm disgusting and I don't want to be called disgusting, but I feel like if I"m working all day, he could be doing a few things around the house...?

So, 9 years. He's dead set on buying a house, but I cannot make that commitment. I'm so worn down. I don't feel like me anymore. I have never been so depressed in my life. I've wanted him to be happy for so long that I've just ended up more depressed than ever.

I've decided I'm leaving. I have a house lined up, lease signed and keys in hand. I just need to get in there and clean before moving my things. I have to tell him now. I just don't know how to do it.

Anyone have any advice on how to tell him? This is THE hardest part and I'm scared of how he'll react. He may start crying and pleading, or he might flip out in rage....

I'm not afraid of being on my own. I've made my decision. I'm just looking for advice on how... I DO care about him and I hate that he'll be hurt, but I have to do whats right for me now.

No real advice on how to tell him but wishing you all the luck and wanted to say that I think you are making the right decision.

When it's hard to tell someone something I always find "short and simple" is best. Don't engage, say what you decide you want to say then leave. Don't get dragged into arguments, emotional reactions etc. You have had enough of that to last a lifetime.

Pack all your stuff and get it out of there. Make sure you are legally and financially separated.

I think honesty is the best. Hard as that sounds. He has made you life shit for 9 years. It is too late as he has killed you relationship and respect but he can learn if he wants for his future.

Just go without telling him on the day

Leave him a letter

In your situation that is what I would do

You know no good is going to come out of a face to face "discussion"

Well done, btw, you have made the right decision

Now you have to do everything you need to do to make sure you do not renege on it

I agree with AF - I don't think any good will come out of a face to face with him.

You sound worn down. You are making the right decision here. Leave and don't look back.

I agree with AF too. Sometimes a face to face conversation just isn't possible- he doesn't sound like the type who will just let you leave without a huge row and making you feel terrible.

Another agree with AF. He hasn't behaved reasonably towards you. You don't owe him the long face-to-face discussion you would owe to a nice, normal, loving partner. Especially since you think there is a chance he could "flip out". Why put yourself through the fear?

With the letter, I'd be inclined to go for short, bland and unanswerable ("this isn't working for me, I am going to make a fresh start") rather than specific things he can argue about. Though I'm sure you realise he'll probably try to argue about it anyway. Don't give him your new address. Have you made forwarding arrangements? They do take a couple of weeks to kick in, unfortunately.

Congratulations on your new home/life

Thank you so much everyone. I've been thinking about writing a letter and handing it to him as I leave for work in the morning & then just head to my sisters house or my new place instead. I have someone at work lined up to cover for me for a couple days if I need to.

I live right by my work, so coming in makes me a little nervous.

My sister made me promise I wouldn't go back to get anything by myself unless I had someone with me.

It is hard because I want to be able to do this like adults, but he doesn't handle things very maturely. I know he'll tell me how selfish I am and how no one else will ever want me.

He tells me every now and then how lucky he is to have me and how good hearted I am. The other night after a huge fight he said that we were meant to be together because I'm so good hearted and he's the opposite (he hates people, hates life & is negative about everything) and that we're meant to balance each other out.... except it's just pulling me more into his dark world than the other way around.

Heather: Do what AF says.
Presumably he does go out of the house for some of the day.

You have so much to look forward to without him pulling you down.
Your new house will be your sanctuary.
It will so peaceful and lovely without him there.

Well done for leaving.
Please don't feel sorry for him if he starts the sob stories.

You owe him nothing.

Best wishes for your new life.

MadBustLady - I agree with you. I've done a lot of reading trying to figure out what to say. No matter how much certain things have upset me in the past I think I'm going to base my letter on "me". I have been really depressed and I need to get "my" life back on track and the fact that I can't make him happy, that he needs to get himself worked out on his own.

Look, you are still judging him by your own mature, reasonable, adult standards

stop
it

You want to do this like adults because you're a reasonable, nice person. He isn't. You need to treat him as the risk he is and adjust your behaviour accordingly.

Glad you have the support of your sister and some leeway at work.

I'm sorry, I know this is not a laughing matter, but I did do a little snort at "he said that we were meant to be together because I'm so good hearted and he's the opposite". Yup, sounds like that works out very well indeed for him.

It's hard to just leave while he's gone because he's never gone, especially since he's not working right now. When he does leave, he doesn't tell me for how long. He went out of town last weekend, but I didn't know when he'd be returning (I didn't have my house lined up yet and my sister was out of town) so I just run some important things of mine into a storage unit. That way if he does freak out I'll already have a few things out. Just some clothes, books, my guitar etc. (Only as much as I could w/o it being obvious that things were missing)

@madbustlady - I know right? Pretty screwed up thinking. He has some serious issues he needs to work out, from his childhood and from his mom taking her life. He refuses to go talk to anyone. He just has a horrible outlook on life.

Then get someone to come over and tell him with someone there. In those bland, unanswerable "me" statements

"I am leaving, I am done"

"There is nothing more I want to do and nothing more you can do"

"It's all been said, I am not prepared to discuss it any further"

Then get your helper to assist you with the last of your stuff and leave

Ok, could you say (when you are ready to be gone for good) that you are popping out to the shops, and leave him a letter somewhere (eg on the bed), then text him to say: I'm not coming back. The letter on the bed will explain.

I think it could be dangerous to tell him face to face.

Stop taking responsibility for him. You cannot help him. You've been trying for 9 years and it has only made you increasingly unhappy. Do you really think his unhappy childhood is your fault or something that you need to sort out? If he wants to do it, he must take charge of it. And he can't be bothered.

I also agree with the others. Wait until he goes to visit his dealer. Make sure your sister and hopefully, other help, is waiting round the corner to get your stuff out in one go. Leave. Leave a note if you must, but do not leave a forwarding address and block his number. He will try to drag you back in and blame you.

Thanks everyone. I agree/understand everything you are saying.

To be honest I'm SO excited to be on my own again, to do what I want, when I want without worrying about someone getting mad or blowing up, even over stupid little things.

I'm not getting any younger. I've been thinking about that a lot these last few years (yes, I said it, years). I should have done it along time ago, but didn't have the courage.

There have been many times over the last many years that I had enough reason to leave. Time goes so fast, you don't realize it.

I also think leaving for work as usual and just not coming back is a perfectly good idea, if you can manage it so that enough of your stuff is moved beforehand, and don't mind sacrificing the rest. If you do that, I wouldn't hand him the letter but leave it somewhere where he won't find it for a couple of hours. Give yourself a head start.

x-post The future's bright!

Don't mean to scare you but please be prepared that he may lash out even if he hasn't been violent in the past.

Women are most at risk when they are leaving

Stay safe and good luck

Thanks, Finallygotaroundtoit! I know, I've thought a lot about that.

He's never physically hurt me, but I've read a lot about how verbal can sometimes be the start. He says all the time that he'd never hit me, but at the same time he doesn't realize how scary he is to me when he gets in these rages of anger.

That's why my sister wanted me to wait till she got back in town. I have a bottle of mace which I'll keep close to me for awhile afterwards. You never know.

I didn't mention this before, but he's made comments about taking his own life on many occassions over the last few years, and for awhile I really thought he was in the mental state where he would. Another reason I held off on leaving...

Luckily he won some money recently gambling so he has a nice chunk of change in his pocket to go wherever he wants to go with it. I"m hoping that will help the situation a bit.

Ah the old I'll kill myself if you leave trick.

Ignore him. You only get one life - live if for yourself. You gave him 9 years and the rest is now yours to enjoy.