Toxic mum now trying to contacting my DH to 'sort things out'

[Lulu1984]

I've posted about my mum here a few times so sorry if you're bored by now! I certainly am.

We've had a lot of issues with her behaviour to us since we had DD and got married, shes very controlling and def has narcistic tendencies. She just wants me to do everything she asks of me. In the past i have done things just to please her but now I have my own family unit she can't accept we need time alone.

I work with her, (am def working on getting out of this) and she has been having DD while i work. This is prob the main reason she is trying to contact my DH. DD has just received her nursery funding so now has to go 3 days, she was doing 2 that we paid for. So yesterday was the first monday my mum didnt have DD. Today, while im uncontactable as have my phone off, she calls and texts my DH to arrange to meet up with him to discuss our issues. He hasn't answered as she left a voicemail (phone didnt ring) and a text, but hes at work and doesnt want to respond while he is there.

She hates DH, thinks he controls me, has always looked down on him etc. Why is she trying to meet him. He does not want to see her and if they do meet up she really wouldnt like what she has to say. She can't accept that her attitudes are whats causing the problems, my DB and DSIL have very similar problems but have never told her her behaviour is causing it as know she cant see it.

I just don't know what to do anymore, shes full of drama! I'm exhausted and we can't take her behaviour anymore. I've tried being honest with her and she just cant see what i'm saying or down plays my feelings.

She wont be happy until we're seeing her every week for dinner, every other weekend for a day trip, calling her up every night etc. I work with her 3 or 4 days a week and just can't face seeing her any other time as its too much. I am getting out of this as soon as i can!!

She lays on the emotional blackmail, etc you're causing us so much pain your dad and i might seperate, or i don't have a reason to keep going etc. She has also said so much shit to my family, I don't know if they believe her or not but i've gone past caring now. She also tries to say DD needs to see us all socialising together, which i'd agree with if it was amicable but i think it would confuse her more. Mums behaviour has got very odd over the last few years and very selfish.

DH has been amazing he has tried to help me to sort things but he has alos helped me to see i can't please everyone and help me stand up to her which is prob what makes her annoyed as i always used to just do what she said.

I don't know if i'm asking anything, just rambling, but i'm so fed up with things i cant keep going through this crap!

Does matter if you signed a contract if you have a paper trail, has she being paying you officially not cash in hand? Paying NI and tax? How long have you been working for her, more than a year?

I think you need to post something in the legal section, you'll get a lot more help, but I think you'll find you are in a strong position if she has just decided to fire you.

BTW - does your dad also work for the business? If not, him telling you not to go to work is irrelvant, you need to hear it from your employer, ie, your mum, so turn up on Friday or send a sick note (which I'd do, you need a break). You haven't been told not to come to work and your dad telling you not to contact your mum is stupid, she's your employer until she fires you or you resign.

I've been paid officially, pay slips etc since oct 2010. I may post in legal later when DH is back. He's been 2 hrs now, i'm really worried.

I work from my parents house, i can't just turn up there after all this. My dad has his own business we do work for but he isn't my employer.

Either play for time as per DontmindifIdo and post in legal.

Maybe go in on Friday and make them fire you officially? Please post in legal I've seen some great advice in there and you will have a day to think of some options.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

I hope he's ok. My dad can be hot headed and so can DH, I just want him home, i need a cuddle!

Yes, your dad's word doesn't matter! you need to hear it from your employer, ie your mum, but post in legal, and you need to spend tomorrow getting your head round this and making a plan of action.

As I said, being family doesn't mean employment law doesn't count for them, it's just that you can be bullied in a way that you wouldn't put up with by an independent employer.

Either way, I think your employment with your mum is coming to an end - personally I'd see just how long you could go off on the sick while you look for something else - but get advice before doing anything.

Hope you and DH are ok.

Yes post in legal section. Just because she you mother doesn't mean she can not abide by the law.

If your not working at the moment your DD doesn't need to see any of you. You don't need any childcare from her.

Lulu, this needed to happen.

Your parents have a position of power over you re money, work and child care. They are trying to extend it. It isn't healthy and you are best out of it.

Nobody can retain good self esteem as an adult in this position, because you are in a situation where you are not structurally equal.

It is critical that you can make your own decisions about things you are responsible for, and certainly about your own children.

Even of the house move us on hold and you resign your job, in sure you will find another one at some point.

I would not consider treating my own two adult children in this way.