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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help needed. To break up or not

25 replies

grapelovingweirdo · 15/04/2013 18:44

Might have to provide some context so as not to dripfeed, will try and keep it as concise as possible

I met DP four years ago when I had just ended a damaging ea and physically abusive relationship.

I know this is twee but I was 24, had only ever been with one person (for seven years) and seriously saw him as a knight in shining armour type.

After a month, he told me he had two children and was divorced from their mum. I met them, got on well with them and started living my life and be

OP posts:

Original poster

grapelovingweirdo · 15/04/2013 18:52

Bloody phone app. I started living my life and being very happy. I was also recovering from anorexia at the time and seriously couldn't believe my luck at finding someone who was so handsome, kind and different to my ex. Felt my self esteem start to come back and some wounds heal.

The only problem is, we struggle to communicate effectively and he's actually very insecure. After a year and half I found out he was still married to his ex and that she and the kids knew I had been deceived.

Since then, he seems to doubt me all the time, says I don't prioritise him enough, I go out too much and generally don't being anything to the relationship, his exact words were "you're a useless wanker".

The trigger for this latest argument: I have booked a holiday with my two best friends in the summer. His reasoning for getting angry over it is that he sees girly holidays as something single people do when they want to get their leg over.

He also says that he wants us to see new places together and that I clearly don't put him first, untrue.

I do actually put up with a lot, the marriage thing..still unresolved, the fact that he gets verbally abusive when upset and the fact that he sees the negative in everything i do.

On the plus side, he is funny, very individual, highly intelligent, innovative, cries when watching romantic films, very cuddly, very very very sexy and when things are good he makes me feel amazing.

I'm not sure if I can take the bad with the good though anymore,

OP posts:

Sugarice · 15/04/2013 18:55

He's abusive, a liar and wants to control you.

You don't live with him do you?

Sugarice · 15/04/2013 18:57

Sorry , meant to say yes, please do break up with him.

He called you a useless wanker, for that alone dump him.

He's a twat.

OnTheNingNangNong · 15/04/2013 18:57

The positives really don't outweigh the negatives to me.

he sounds quite a controlling person.

Original poster

grapelovingweirdo · 15/04/2013 19:02

I do live with him. I'm financially independent though, have a job, good income etc

OP posts:

Sugarice · 15/04/2013 19:06

Seriously, being super sexy and able to cry at a romantic movie means nothing if in the next breath he is verbally abusive and trying to stop you seeing your friends.

Really consider leaving him and take care, does he suspect you're tiring of his behaviour?

TurnipCake · 15/04/2013 19:08

OP, many people who have been in abusive relationships (myself included) often swap a really shitty partner for a slightly-less-shitty partner. They're still shitty!

He's a liar, verbally abusive and controlling. The good you listed in your relationship gets wiped at any hint of the above.

Fairenuff · 15/04/2013 19:11

How old is he?

Original poster

grapelovingweirdo · 15/04/2013 19:15

He's 40, thanks for your replies. Much appreciated

OP posts:

hesterton · 15/04/2013 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 19:20

Jesus christ, yes break up with him.

You sound level headed and like you know this is bad really.

It is possible to meet a man who's negatives aren't that...well...negative!

ihearsounds · 15/04/2013 19:20

If on your holiday, one of your mates said to you that her dp:
Had lied about him being married.
That he called her a useless wanker.
She went out too much.
She didn't, in his words, basically worship the ground that he walked on and made sure he was always priority.
Was verbally abusive.
Puts her down.
Wasn't happy about the holiday.

Would you say, yea stay with him. Because the sex is great and he cried. Or would you tell her to run?

Those bads do not outweigh the good parts.

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 19:20

I'd have actually dumped him over the initial marriage lie anyway...cheeky git!

Lueji · 15/04/2013 19:22

I think a rule of thumb should not be how are they when things are good, but when things are bad.

Can you live with the bad times at all?
If not, then it doesn't matter how good the good is.

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 19:23

^ very wise words

Casmama · 15/04/2013 19:24

He sounds like a nasty piece of work- I think insecure and abusive is a very dangerous combination.

MadBusLady · 15/04/2013 19:26

The only problem is, we struggle to communicate effectively and he's actually very insecure.

No, sweetheart, the only problem is he calls you a useless wanker, lies to you, tries to control where you go and who you see and is generally an abusive twunt.

Seriously, get out! My mouth fell open between paragraphs two and three of your second post. He won't change other than to get worse. It's very unlikely he can work on relationships the way normal people can. Then get yourself some counselling to work out where you have got these boundaries from and try to break them down.

catballou · 15/04/2013 19:28

He's definitely not a knight in shining armour, he kept an important 'detail' to himself for a MONTH! To only then reveal about the two kids and a wife? And then after a year and a half you find out he's still married...furthermore he puts you down, is insecure, gets verbally abusive, sees the negative in everything.......jeepers what a catch....NOT!

You're only in your twenties-get out of this unhealthy relationship while the going's good. He doesn't deserve you and you can do a lot better. All those good qualities of his you mentioned are cancelled out I'm afraid but the awful ones. Leave this loser, who clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart, and leave him fast...If he's all those things still at 40, btw, he ain't gonna change.

Fairenuff · 15/04/2013 19:29

To be honest, I think he was your 'rebound' guy. You came out of an abusive relationship with your self esteem on the floor and he, sensing your vulnerability, swept in to take care of you.

You didn't really have a chance to grow as a person, with your own tastes and opinions. You were in a controlling relationship from 17 years old. That's just a teenager.

Now you are ready to spread your wings a little, to get out into the world and just enjoy life. You are young, you are financially independant, you are as free as you ever will be.

This relationship has run it's course. It served a purpose for a while, you both got something out of it, but now it's time to move on. Don't let his insecurities hold you back.

Call it a day and get out there, have fun!

pregnantpause · 15/04/2013 19:32

He's a controlling twat. Always has been. He initially manipulated you to be in a relationship where he knew you were not aware of the facts, he tricked you intentionally, to make you think he was a better man than he is. Insecure is a trait that is often used to describe controlling men, it is a device they use to control, don't go out, I'm insecure, don't wear that dress, it makes me feel insecure, you can't just swan off all the time, your selfish, you know I'm insecure . it's a way to make you feel that your actions are responsible for his emotions, and eventually that you feel entirely responsible for his emotions.
Separating you from your friends or support is an isolating tactic. Making you feel guilty for even wanting friends, is yet again, a way to control your future actions. Next time you will be less likely to go with them, to avoid the stress at home and the guilt. His actions seem very clear from what you have written. He may not be physically abusive, but he is emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling. Hes also good in bed, though for me, that is not a saving grace.

MadBusLady · 15/04/2013 19:44

Sorry, I put my end para badly. Brain dissolves when posting on phone. I meant move your relationship boundaries to healthier places, rather than break them down.

I was with a twunt in my early twenties as well. Ditching him was one of the best things I've ever done, as the brilliant time I had over the next few years proved .

YoniBottsBumgina · 15/04/2013 19:52

He's a kitten rescuer. Came along when you "needed" saving, helped you get back on your feet, and now can't accept that you're a fully independent person who wants to go off and live her life. A wildcat, if you like. Not meant to sit there and lie obligingly on his lap for the rest of your life.

Truth is the kitten would have figured out how to get down by itself eventually. You don't owe him anything, you don't need him - I would let him go now and concentrate on being you and what makes you happy within yourself. Don't let too much of your self worth and happiness rest on another person - you should be able to make yourself happy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2013 19:53

Your relationship history is tragic actually; two abusive relationships to date from your teens is =sad and makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up. So what did you learn exactly?.

He's no DP, he may be good in the sack but you've just swapped one say grade 10 abusive twunt for a grade 9.8 abusive twunt.

You do not have to take the bad with the good any more; you can have a life without him in it and I would plan my exit from this dysfunctional mess asap. I would also suggest that you enrol onto the Womens Aid Freedom Programme in the medium term as this helps women who have been in abusive relationships.

Love your own self for a bloody change. You are at high risk to having yet another abusive relationship currently because your boundaries are either too low or non existant and your self esteem and worth are also on the floor. All this adds up to easy prey for an abuser.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2013 19:58

He sensed your vulnerability and problems and honed in on you like a fly around a honeypot. He targeted you.

He was never your knight in shining armour and apart from anything else no-one should act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship because neither approach works.

MadBusLady · 15/04/2013 20:00

By the way, if he lied about being divorced for a YEAR AND A HALF I'd put money on him still being involved with his ex in some sense for at least part of the time he's been with you. She's obviously completely broken and under his control or she wouldn't have co-operated in such a bizarre lie.

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