Is it really an accident

[knackeredknitter]

Just to list a few behaviours, wondering if I am over-reacting about this...
H always manages to somehow hurt the children, he says accidentally.
Some examples:
he hurt ds1 with the door as he came through it by closing it too early, when telling him to come inside from the garden because he had been fighting with his siblings;
he pushed ds1 back when ds1 attacked him, and in the process ds1 hurt his head on the radiator;
he pushed ds3 back because ds3 pushed him, sending ds3 into the wall.
There are other numerous examples.
None of the children are hurt enough to bruise, just their egos are shot enough for them to always tell me about it, they always complain to me, and I feel that I should always defend them so I do in that I have words with H and make him apologise to them, but am also worried about the way H apologising.
Lately Ds1 has started saying to me that he is confused about whether he is misreading the situation and maybe he is imagining alot of things and exaggerating them in his own mind. Yesterday, ds1 somehow scratched his finger when entering the bathroom, and showed it to me to see if he should put some anti-septic cream on it. I went to get some, and in the meantime he had another agruement with his father, and said that his father had hit him on his scraped finger and made it bleed. His finger was now bleeding and slightly swollen. H protested it was an accident, I did not believe him and told ds that his father should not have done that.
Ds1 is on the autistic spectrum, so H says that because of this he misreads things and is hypersensitive, which I disagree with. Today ds1 is saying that he does not remember the incident about the finger
I never have these problems with him. Plus it does not explain things with ds3.
I told h that I want him to move out tomorrow, that this is the last straw, and I am fed up of the fact that he never takes responsibility for his actions, and that I don't believe that he can have that many "accidents" with the children.
But he is acting as if nothing has happened, and is refusing to move out.
He insists that everything was accidental
I don't believe him, but feel stuck

Knackered. I think you ought to trust your instincts on this. You also say that you think that he has hurt you, can you tell us about that?

Incidentally, have any of the children got a different father? Just had a thought.

I think you DS has 'forgotten' about the finger incident because your H has warned him off.

I hear very loud alarm bells here. Please trust your instinct and get him out.

You can use child protection measures by discussing this with your DCs school/nursery or you can call childline or home-start for help and support.

If your DS were to tell a teacher of his DF's behaviours they would immediately have a duty to refer to SS.

From what you say there are two dimensions of abusive treatment here - emotional/psychological and physical.

You must act.

I hope you will keep posting for support, we would all, I am sure, like to hand hold you through this.

Are you saying you don't go to loo as your dp is always on it?

You should see a solicitor ASAP before he seriously hurts one of your dc.

He has gone to his mother's
I took his door key and the family car key
He hasn't taken any of his stuff though

Well done OP. That was a courageous and good thing to do.
Has he left for good?

This seems like a bit of a token effort on his part, but you can make more of it than that. I would pack and bag and have someone take it over tomorrow, or at least have it ready by the door. My guess is he's going to his mum's so she can make a fuss of him and tell him it's not his fault, then he can come back tomorrow when you're 'calmer'. You sound calm to me.

It seems like he either ignores the children or shouts at them. I'm assuming the loo problem is because the oldest are not really able to look after the youngest in your absence, but you'll need to find some solution to this given he should not be returning to the house. A play pen? None of the children are likely to harm the others, I take it.

I'm actually chilled by the description of someone shouting at a 4 year old to stop screaming and crying. What is she screaming about?

I'm horrified. Keep posting. Well done for getting him to leave!

Hi op.

I have 5dc & only 1 with ASD. The description of your oldest Ds sounds very like my Ds.

My dp has never learnt or fully understood Ds needs/behaviours. Dp shouts etc& believes its all about discipline...we've split up a number of times. I made a clear rule, no physical punishments...no exceptions.

I can't imagine how stressful your daily life is, let alone dealing with your dp as well. You need to go with your gut instincts. Your ds's SN make them so much more vunrable.

The incidents you've described & the ignoring are worrying. As you said, you manage your boys so you expect your dp to be able to. The point is he isn't /can't or won't.

The children's safety & wellbeing always have to come first. Take care of yourself. Keep posting.

My ex did something similar because he was fully expecting to be welcomed back later.

Pack up his stuff for him. He should understand the message then.

Blimey well done op - you are strong!
Read the whole thread and surprised no one has mentioned gas lighting because IMO that's what he's doing and he's doing it to the dc too.

My eldest started to sleep much better after I separated. Perhaps yours will too. Calprofen worked wonders for teething - good luck x