When I was growing up, I had three siblings. Youngest was a 'monster' would probably be diagnosed with something now. Foul temper.
In the many arguments/fights that happened, my dad got angry, mum invariably sided with little db. Victim-blaming ad nauseum, any time an argument occurred (daily) the other would be blamed for 'provoking him'. I fought with him the most, still have scars from horrible scratches he put on my face. Neither parent could cope. They never dealt with it and family life was horrible.
In my sister's words 'in our family you were rewarded for bad behaviour'.
Sister cut herself off and escaped at the earliest opportunity, and stayed escaped. She has family relationships entirely on her own terms.
Middle brother (younger than me) wet the bed and pooed himself until he was about 11. He has a normal happy life now however.
I'm a people pleaser and sensitive and got deeply fucked up. Looking back it makes me sad how much time and energy I spent seeking love and approval from my mum. If someone, anyone didn't like me, I never thought it was their problem, always my fault. I've had years of MH problems, on and off meds.
Youngest is also fucked up and deeply low self esteem (resentment from his three siblings based on mum's favouritism no doubt a huge factor). Teasing, goading, rivalry were the norm between the four of us.
I was a big academic high achiever (we all were) but little acknowledgement or praise. Being a 'bighead' was the ultimate crime. We were raised to have low expectations.
I married the wrong man - ea - didn't value me. It was what I was used to. Now separated.
Had a pretty unsuccessful career despite my educational achievements giving me every advantage.
I've always been considered fairly attractive (by others, not myself).
Mum never told me I was beautiful, always made me feel inadequate.
She still does.
Have done my best not to replicate this with my own children (girls - groan, thrilled with them but easier to make the same mistakes).
Marriage break up has been rough, and I feel low about it, though it was my choice.
The happiest times in my life were when dc were small. Now they are pre-teens and often cross/rude. I can't cope with it, I haven't got a strong enough sense of myself/self worth.
I know I was lucky to be born with lots of gifts and advantages but I feel I didn't ever appreciate them or make the most of them because I had such a low opinion of myself.
A few years ago I found out a huge family secret which has explained in many ways why mum was the way she was. But feel hugely betrayed that it was kept from me.
I feel so inadequate, still - in my 40s. I look back full of regrets for bad choices and missed opportunities. I am very self absorbed and negative, often suicidal.
I feel huge anger towards my mum, but have had to turn to her for support after separating. She still undermines me, will always try and argue with me, will never say 'I understand'. She's not doing me any good but I still need her. My sister is toxic and my mum refuses to condemn her appalling behaviour towards me.
I can't talk about the past with my mother, she gaslights and gaslights and accuses me of rewriting history. She minimises it all, even says my brother's encopresis and bed wetting was because 'he couldn't be bothered and just didn't care [if he messed himself]'. But it usually happened on family outings.
I'm desperate to reverse all of this but don't know how. There's been so much pain in the past, I don't know who I am any more, hate that the optimism and hope I once had has been ground out of me, feel so inadequate. Only the kids have kept me from the railway line sometimes.
What can I do to change things?
Sorry this is so long, I'd love to hear from anyone who has managed to turn things around. I fear it's impossible.