should his health issues stop me from leaving?

[ladypippins]

I have been with my husband for 20 years and married for 11 of those. In the last 2.5 years, since our son and was born, which also correlates to a huge amount of effort in remodelling/ updating our house, he has become physically and emotionally abusive; pushing me against walls, pulling punches, shouting when I've caused accidental damage, this also happens if he believes I am shouting in the porch ( I think I'm talking at normal levels). He has, on a couple of occasions thrown chocolate bars/ketchup at me if I've bought the wrong type of food. He constantly swears even though I have asked him, pretty much on a daily basis not to ( he doesn't swear in every sentence at work!). I can't remember the last time he said he loved me,and when I do something he doesn't like he mostly tells me I'm a stupid f##king retard/ bitch/ slag and at times a c##t. Unfortunately our son has witnessed some of this.

Last Saturday when I spoke during a recording of a video he was making of our son ( he was pretending to have his favourite biscuit to get him to walk back to the car and I said not to lie as we didn't have it with us)when he had asked me to be quiet he got out of the car and walked towards me pushing in the ignition key into my tummy saying he told me to be quiet. I managed to get away and he feigned concern ( there must have been people in the car park) and when he reached me he called me a slag. When back in the car he punched me in the arm a few times and pressed his fist up to my chin; this was while he was driving.

We stopped for fuel and my little boy asked ' what's the matter mummy' and 'did daddy hit you?'. After this I've pretty much made up my mind and to leave but I am feeling so guilty.

He acts as if nothing has happened. He never acknowledges or apologises for what he's done. I'm co concerned that he might start treating our son as badly as he will refer to him as a ' little shit/ bastard'.

However, he isn't well and has ongoing health problems which aren't yet fully diagnosed. If I go he will have have no one to help him through this as his immediate family are more screwed up than he is.

I'm not sure if I should stay to help him through his illness ( I don't know how long it will be) or if I should just abandon him - I wasn't planning on telling him I'm leaving because I'm not sure of the reaction.

Are there any views on how I should deal with this?

If a friend had said she was going through the same thing, what would you tell her?

It's only been in the last few months that I've realised his behaviour wasn't normal; from reading the other posts on this site and Women's Aid. It was a relief to realise it wasn't my fault. His behaviour got worse after our son was born, noise, me not being able to do so much but still expectation I would do all the meals etc. Before our son I do recall him accusing me of an affair because I'd been out 3 times in a month ( unheard of!) month; I felt reluctant to make plans because he is unsociable. We also had some fights where we shove each other, me in retaliation. I stopped responding in this way when I saw it was going to far and he would say he used to for fight with his brother; like that would excuse it.

I think there have always been signs and I had become accepting of the status quo as I didn't know anything else. Now I have my son I can't carry on like this and the posts have really helped me. I'm trying to get in touch with my local domestic abuse centre (line always busy) so I can work through the legalities before making my move (as he will make me feel I haven't thought anything through and can't move). I want to get a rental sorted and then I'll go - he's not getting any more chances.

Glad you are getting out. Have you got your documents somewhere safe (passport, birth cert etc) - maybe at work or with a friend?

I am so glad that you are doing this OP. Your son will thank when he is old enough to understand.
Make sure you get that paperwork together that Doctrine mentioned.
You are a brave woman who is definitely doing the right thing.
Good luck

So glad you are planning on leaving. If he really can't cope on his own due to 'health issues' he shouldn't have abused you, should he?

But really, if they aren't diagnosed and have been going on for ages, it becomes more likely they don't exist and are just a ttrick to get you to wait on him.

And many many severely disabled people live alone and manage (OK it may be a struggle but they do manage) - so can he.

i'm glad you are leaving too - this isn't acceptable. think about it this way, what he is doing to you is damaging your physical and mental health, and he doens't give a shit about either, he is deliberately making them worse, so if he doesn't give a shit about your physical and mental health, or that of his own child (who's mental health will be damaged by seeing his dad hit his mum long term), then why should you give a shit about his health? He doesn't care about you. He doesn't love you. A man who did either would not be able to treat you like this - he doesn't even like you.

Don't feel guilty at all about leaving him when he might be ill, he hasn't made any effort to even be civil to get you to stay.

Get your new life lined up and just go. You owe him nothing.

I'm another one who would leave. However, I think he'll try to be nice in order to make you stay. Be prepared for that. If you hold out, though, he'll soon be back to his old nasty self.

I know exactly how you
Are feeling. My first husband was emotionally abusive and very occasionally physically abusive. He became severely I'll and disabled and I had a large caring role for him.

I was getting ready to leave, we did not have children which I guess made it easier.

Sadly he died when we were both young. Nobody ever knew I wante to leave. If he hadn't gone downhill when he did I would have left.

You have to put ourself and your child first. Disability is not an excuse to abuse someone.

This sounds a little like what I went through with my exh. He was depressed and always angry and both physically and EA. I even think his anger contributed to his heart attack at 41, which didn't change his attitude which I hoped it would. He then was constantly at A&E, GP, walk in with various ailments which he had lots of tests and scans for.

In the Feb he attacked me quite badly and I escaped to work with clumps of hair falling out, blood on my blouse from his nails and a graze on my back from where he dragged me across the floor by my feet. I warned him that if he ever touched me again I was definitely calling the police. His abuse continued much like yours, with pushing and shoving me into cupboards, screaming, shouting, throwing, punching, breaking things and 'accidently' treading on my feet but I think he realised I was serious this time. In September (the day before our wed aniv) he kicked me - not hard nor was I badly hurt but it was enough for me to dial 999 and finally see it through.

Depression may have been the reason for the abuse and totally off the wall unreasonable behaviour but IT WASN'T AN EXCUSE FOR IT.

OP you and your DC deserve to live in a home without fear and abuse. My advice nearly 6 years later - leave or have him arrested the next time he abuses you.

Good Luck

If someone is abusive it doesn't matter how Ill they might be,. You need to leave your ds has little choice.
Listen to what he ds is saying. Children should not have it their vocab to be talking about dad hitting mum... If they do there is something seriously wrong and you need to leave sooner rather than later ...

Report everything to your gp. ask the question if it is related to health issues.... I am sure the answer will be no.l.

Your h is an adult he will find a way round his health issues. Someone needs to look out for your ds. And you.

Does h look after ds is he hands on?
Would you be concerned about him having possibly fifty fifty shared care? Or would he not want it?

You need to report the next push or shove to police... If you think he might get angry and not be ok to see ds unsupervised you need to report his aggressive behaviour so that you can go for supervised contact...

It doesn't matter what his health issues are.
You and your son need to be safe.

Even if he had a brain tumour to explain the behaviour, you should still leave and be safe.

If a man has terminal cancer should he not be punished for murdering another man?

Illness (severe mental health issues aside) is never an excuse for abuse.

Leave as quickly as you can. You have to get your son away from this toxic, horrible man.

"If I go he will have have no one to help him through this "

Then he should have thought about that before attacking and abusing you... Vicious people deserve to end up alone. Look after #1, don't feel guilty and get yourself and your children safe. Good luck

any form of abuse and you give up your right to support.

what an absolute bastard.

please please please, for your son, if not for you get out.

your child IS being affected by this btw.

if you say with this fuckwit you are saying that your child's future is less important that his because i'm am absolutely certain that your child is being caught up in this.

Am really pleased to see you're intent on leaving - good luck with that and I hope you can get arrangements sorted asap.

As for his health problems ? - let him rot, and don't feel guilty. If he suffers because he has to care for himself look upon it as some small payback for how he's treated you.

Is it Women's Aid you're trying to call? If you leave a message they will call you back. Alternatively you can email them I think.

In your shoes I would think about leaving ASAP to a refuge and sorting out a rental from there.

In answer to your OP, no you should not feelguilty, not in the slightest.
Would he devote his life to looking after you if you were ill (let alone ill and behaving terribly to him?) No he wouldn't. He would most likely blame you for your symptoms and make life harder for you.

A very important issue here is that your DS us picking up what's going on. You need to get out for his sake as well as your own, and ASAP.

Wishing you strength ((((hugs))))

I agree with the above poster, perhaps you should think of packing a bag with valuable documents, and just heading to refuge. You are the most important person in your son's life and this man sounds really dangerous, I would think about removing yourself asap, especially as he is being violent in front of your son (that boundary is gone, then). Good luck, listen to that instinct which told you that this is completely awful and you must protect yourself and your son in all this. Ring WA again, and as I say, perhaps think of going into a refuge as if your husband finds out you are planning on leaving, he may be more violent. Stay safe.