Can you feel deeply attracted to someone else if you are happily married?

[Sagacity]

Just that really.
Met someone recently that I'm really attracted to. I thought I was happily married but not sure now as DH and I are having a bit of tough time and it makes me think well surely if I was so happily married I wouldn't even look at another man.

Happily married people do not have affairs or lust after other people, they just don't.

I think it might be the other way around, if you don't have affairs or uncontrollably lust after other people, you are likely to be happily married! If you commit to your marriage, even in a stressful time, you get a sense of resilence and feeling like being in a team that is hard for others to threaten.

However, I think it's a myth that if you were happily married, you might never lust after another man. I work in a very interesting field, with lots of men, and out of the 100's of men I meet a year, the odd one or two seem to me attractive. I don't pursue it, I don't have affairs with them, there's nothing inevitable about this, but I do notice them because unless I stay home and don't leave the house, I'm bound to interact with other interesting clever attractive men, and it would be strange not to notice this and have the odd 'what if' or lustful thought

I think the idea of never fancying another man for 50 years is beyond my definition of devotion in marriage anyway!

My dad once said " being married doesn't stop you falling in love ". You just don't do anything.

I'm married. Not dead from the neck up

I think it's fairly obvious why you might find others attractive -unless you believe there's only one person in the entire world for you, presumably you had to choose out of a selection of suitable candidates and fancied more than one person before marriage. Why would this very important critical faculty then disappear on going up the aisle? Weird.

I think the problem is some posters are bracketing "lust after other men" and "have affairs" together. The point is surely that people who are committed to their relationship don't act on the inevitable lust they may sometimes feel for others.

My father has a great saying. It's 'just because you have had your dinner, it doesn't mean you can't look at the menu'. I think that's quite sensible, as long as it is only the menu you are having dealings with.

There's lust (loaded term) and there's attraction (biological term).

Of course you can look at another man and think he's attractive. He might be even interesting and clever and funny if you get to know him a bit.
You might have some not so innocent thoughts.

And you can still be happily married. Because thoughts are not actions.

I agree with other posters that affairs very very often are a means of escape. From stress, from depression, from being unhappy.

Ask yourself why you are attracted to this man.

Of course you can find other people attractive, that's perfectly normal, but the key word here is 'deeply' - for me, being 'deeply' attracted to someone is thinking about them when you've left the office, thinking about them when you're at home with your partner and family, or when you're dashing around Sainsbury's. If another person is on your mind and taking up emotional energy, then I'm sorry, your marriage probably isn't that happy.

Of course! We're only human and its debatable how natural monogamy is anyway- average marriage in the past only 15 yrs as either/both would have died off!

It depends whether you act on this though or wait for feeling to pass.

Meant to say how natural very longterm monogamy is

Some years ago when I was married I developed deeper feelings for a mutual friend of ours. I knew he felt the same. But because I loved my Exh I put distance between friend and me. Nothing ever happened.

Now years later, I am divorced and friend has married a lovely woman. They are very happy. I maintain my distance because I know that if we were both single I would want to see if more than friendship were possible.

I guess for people whose whole lives are defined by Their Relationship and who tend not to have meaningful interactions with other men, a deep attraction to someone else could be more significant than it needs to be.

But this notion that a bit of escapist lust and daydreaming must automatically mean your marriage is unhappy even if like the OP, you'd always thought it was fine, seems hopelessly romantic and old-fashioned to me. I also think it's positively dangerous. And is probably why you have so many complete fools ruining their marriages as soon as they feel moist between the legs about some other bloke

I do think some people think lust=bad and so they try to repackage it as being something deeper and more meaningful whereas people who are more pragmatic, less romantic and more comfortable with lust itself have a better perspective about these things.

And people have some very odd ideas about marriages governing every single emotion we feel about every aspect of life, when we don't apply that logic to anything else.

I love my job for example, but it doesn't stop me fantasising about others from time to time, especially if I see an advert or meet someone who's in a role I could quite fancy. I love my house, but it doesn't stop me looking at houses and occasionally getting a bit obsessed about others on the market.

And all of this is especially resonant when just like there are tough times in marriages, there are grotty points in careers, or motherhood is hard, or your house has got a lot of repairs. Few of us would be so daft to think that a bit of wistful dreaming must mean we hate our jobs, our houses or our children and I don't see any great difference between this and our marriages.

Badinage; I wish I had someone like you as a best friend, you're so wise.

What a lovely thing to say

Thank you!

xx

Oh thank you all for your wise replies. I wish you were my real friends. (Haven't talked to anyone in real life about it).
Yes I'm probably getting this out of proportion. I've been a SAHM for past 4 years so have not had opportunity to meet many exciting people. I think I've got a crush on OM because he's the most interesting person I've met recently in my hum drum life.
DH is lovely and I do love him. Just at that point where we bicker about stuff and are probably too much in each others pockets. Agree about working on marriage more.
Haven't said or done anything inappropriate with OM. Don't even know if he's attracted to me. We both have young children and partners and I've read enough of the potential heartache for all involved if we did anything silly. I'm infrequently in contact with OM so hopefully this infatuation will Peter out,
Thanks so much for your replies and insight.