Low self-esteem after being left

[Brassica]

I tried posting this in Chat as I wasn't sure which of Beauty/Mental Health/Relationships/Divorce it belonged in, but Chat's really not the right place for it. I feel that I am very ugly.

I don't know if some on here may remember my previous threads - my husband left me 8 weeks ago for someone else. I had known he'd had an affair but I thought we were fixing it, but it seems they "couldn't help themselves" and although he loves me, he's in love with her - bla bla. I have young twins and work 4 days a week so a big helping on my plate.

After an initial 'fuck you, I will be fine without you' attitude, I'm starting to crumble. In particular, I am starting to feel that I don't like or respect myself and basically that's down to an old sense that I am horribly unattractive.

I was born with a cleft lip and had a bit of bullying about it in childhood which massively impacted my self image and esteem. Even now at 40 I am still in the habit of being self conscious and trying to hide my 'worst side' from people and that was before my husband left me for someone else.

I did feel ok about myself while I was with him and he thought I was beautiful (or he told me I was). Now my marriage has gone tits up, I'm back to worrying who on earth could find me attractive with this nose/lip, plus of course I'm now 40 and have a couple of little children in tow. So I guess I just feel very low about myself and my prospects for finding anyone else.

I don't know what I expect anyone reading this to do about it, but I just wanted to 'say it out loud' and hope someone can help me feel a bit better. Thanks.

Brassica, sorry to hear you are feeling crap. It has only been 8 weeks and it will take time for you to heal. Can you treat yourself a bit, new hairdo, evenings out with friends that make you laugh, long lie ins with a book. I think we can all be vulnerable to feeling unsure about some aspect of ourselves, and looking outward seems to help to get things in perspective.

I'm sure you are attractive and you sound like a good person. Maybe you can be extra kind to yourself until the pain isn't so raw. By that time I'm sure you'll be feeling more positive about yourself.

Dear OP, it must be so hard for you to take in everything that has happened in the last 8 weeks; my heart goes out to you.

Will PM you later.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself and your DCs.

Best wishes, x

First thing is, he married you and started a family with you and found you beautiful. Now, unless you've had the misfortune to be in a disfiguring accident over the past 8 weeks, you're still the wonderful woman you were then. Maybe not fully compatible (I didn't read your other thread) but, whatever happened, it's to do with him & his personality. Nothing to do with your looks or any other attributes.

It's funny how we always blame our looks first, isn't it? Well, not funny - I think it's downright tragic - but peculiar. Think about poor old Ivana Trump, who spent almost the whole year of her divorce under the knife, looking more and more like OW Marla each time she emerged from the clinic. Of course, Donald didn't cheat because of her looks - or her character, she was a major asset to his empire - but simply because he's a narcissistic jerk. Still, Ivana was clearly fixated on her looks as compared to Marla's.

Then there's the huge number of women who wail "I could understand if OW was a hot nymphette, but I saw her and she's ordinary!" Leaving aside the weirdness of assuming it's okay for husbands to run off with hot nymphettes (!), this only goes to show that appearances are not the major factor in choosing a partner. It'd be pretty strange if they were, thinking about it. Beautiful women would all be married and plain ones would all be single. Clearly this isn't the case, because there's far more to desirability than pretty packaging. The toiletries & cosmetics industry, though, is huge and powerful and depends for its income on making you think you are unattractive.

Having demolished this myth in only a shortish essay (), let's look at restoring your faith in yourself - in fact, let's polish it up brighter than ever before! What you need to do is love yourself. Big, warm, caring, soft, happy love :) Give yourself wonderful massages, with nice long strokes and lovely scented lotion. First thing every day, smile at yourself in the mirror and tell your reflection you're fabulous! Each morning, pick out something to appreciate in your reflection: look at your reflection the way you look at your friends!

There'll be lots more tips on your thread by the time I hit Post, and plenty of backup in S&B. No apologies for the essay, though