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Original poster

Is this me going slightly nuts here

51 replies

BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 19:14

dh wants to do one of these 5/6 day walks across the country and wild camp for all of it. He knows Im not thrilled by the wild camping bit, however Ive being exluded yet again from being asked to do this walk with him (this has happened before) he has asked everyone and his dog! if they want to do this walk with him including some female out of the office! who he as now added on fb.

We have had huge arguments over this walk as I feel left out and hurt, he says that Im not fit enough to do this walk, however this female has never walked with him so he no idea how fit she is and how fast she walks, and the same for other people he has asked too, this walk will have to be done to a timescale so I can understand that he would be concerned that I would be slower than him, which I am! but it would be a nice walk to do together I feel. He obviously feels differently.

He denies that he does not want me to go but would rather go with some other random person, however this is not the impression Im getting. I am so angry with him.

I have suggested that our son goes but he not keen on that either!

This is not the first time this has occured either on that occasion it was just a very big mountain, I stuck to my guns and did prove to him that I could do it, I was very knackered though!

I have tried to get him to compromise and said I will wild camp some of if we can have a proper bed in the middle of the walk but he not interested says he wants to wild camp and this walk somthing he wants to do.

He has done this before we started going to a club for kayaking he refused to work with me and said he was at a different stage he was only slightly at different stage and could of worked with me, but chose not too, was even suggesting that on days out he could go with one group and me with another thrilling for me eh! Seems to be a pattern emerging here doesnt there or am I going slightly mad here.. this was another argument he refused to see why I felt so hurt and refuses to see that couples who play together stay together.

Incidently we have spent many happy hours walking hills in the past together I must add here, so I am at a loss what has suddenly changed, yes me, maybe not as fit but I still enjoy his company and a good walk. I am so hurt by all this and feel like he really messing with my head.

OP posts:
cjel · 13/04/2013 22:52

It was sad but the saddest is living like you are now.I may be on my own tonight but I have done what makes me happy and no one has hurt me.xx
I am content and at peace. I havent had a row with anyone for two years.It wasn't what I had planned for this stage of my life, like you we should have been enjoying all the things we'd worked for but it just wasn't happening.

Original poster
BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 22:53

Madbuslady I would be here all night and some of it may out me in rl. My heart was well and truly broken at a time when I needed him, my fault for putting him on a pedestal..never again, it's left me not able to trust anyone. I have known him since I was 15 and probably lent and relied on him for emotional support as was problems at home with my mum an other family members..

OP posts:
dontyouwantmebaby · 13/04/2013 22:57

If you really want to do this walk then you should be doing it with him. I think your husband would change his tune mightily quick the minute you stopped putting any effort into wanting to do things together. I really do. If you feigned indifference to this walk then I'd imagine he'd be wondering why you weren't behaving in your 'usual way.

You say you've spent a long time fighting for your marriage? It sounds like your're not happy & secure in this marriage anyway.

I'd be bloody fuming about him asking all & sundry on this walk, not just the woman from work. He is talking bollocks by saying 'she isn't going now as you've argued about it'. Makes me wonder just what crap he tells people. This woman from his work should be questioning why his wife and son aren't already going on the walk too. Perhaps she is/has!

And like you say, if he wants to do this 'on his own' so much, then wtf is he doing asking other people along? He needs a kick up the arse. He's not scared of losing you so he's behaving like a complete shit is what I'm thinking. Hope I'm wrong and it works out for you though!

MadBusLady · 13/04/2013 23:09

So he has an untrustworthy history, and he doesn't seem to care that you feel shut out and sad. He won't talk about it properly and refuses all your halfway suggestions. That alone is crap behaviour, whether or not there's anything suspicious about this woman.

I don't really know what else to do other than sympathise Sad You're not at all going nuts to be upset about it.

Original poster
BLOO3Z · 13/04/2013 23:36

Cjel I'm glad you are contented and at peace now, that's all I crave.
Do you want me any security I had in my marriage he destroyed five years ago I know I'm never going to get that back but I really hoped with all my heart we could learn an move on, but he continues to keep challenging me with stuff like this, I just don't know if I can keep fighting anymore, and that admitting defeat is so unbearably sad..I've not been sleeping properly as soon as I lie down it just keeps going around in my head..this is not what I envisioned five years ago, it's just another smack in the face.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 14/04/2013 00:28

So basically he's got history for cheating (or 'stuff' as you say) and you are worried it's all happening again, is that right? You poor thing, I can understand why you feel shut out, I would like my husband to say 'I'd love you to come along but understand if you don't want to' - you are right that his refusal for anyone in your family to come, but for a female colleague to come is quite suspicious and not plausible. You are being shut out, not over this walk, but from your peace of mind. I am not sure where this takes you as I don't think going on the walk will solve much anyway, but I think the person who suggested you simply drop it and then show no interest in his walk may be on to something. He's so used to you running after him and holding the marriage together, perhaps you should simply stop.

LilyAmaryllis · 14/04/2013 00:38

I think you should also arrange some really great trip/ event/ course for yourself that will take you away (with friends?) for 6 days. How could he complain!?

AnAirOfHope · 14/04/2013 00:49

I think you should tell him you dont want to go and have made other plans.

Then go to a spa or on holiday with son and spend time doing things on your own and see how it feels.

Stop fighting.

Look after yourself xx

AnAirOfHope · 14/04/2013 00:51

(maybe its about time he fights for you)

cumfy · 14/04/2013 02:15

Seems like he is trying to make it all look like your fault.

He is trying to scapegoat you and "normalise" distance between you, putting you in the Catch-22 of accepting that distance or complain in which case he can rationalise that you not he is the awkward/angry party.

Either way he "wins" (as he sees it).

"Winning" being distancing himself from you.

I understand when you say you are going nuts; he will just look askance and deny this version of events won't he ?

Original poster
BLOO3Z · 14/04/2013 08:15

Yes I'm worried it's all going wrong again, you all are so right I've done all the forgiveness and trying to put things right, when it's not me who has ever done anything wrong...as for arranging somthing with friends I have not got any here. I used to have where we used to live but I have changed so much I am so distrustful of anyone now and have made no real effort to make any new friends..and I have had so much stuff going on with family to deal with,has been lots of ilness, Alzheimer's and cancer. Just feel I want someone to wrap their arms around me and say it's ok I'll look after you now.. And yes cumfy he wins either way here..Ive allowed him to do this for a long time, I think you all right about showing indifference....

OP posts:
TheSherrif · 14/04/2013 08:34

Hi, this all sounds horrible sweetheart. I've experienced something very similar & it was about him wanting to be seen as the big man, every body's friend etc, and the family back home were a mere detail he didn't need to show any interest in (they just hampered his social life). I hate the way he's turning this back on you. If it was something you hate doing then fair enough, do it alone but this is something he knows you have shared & enjoyed.
I wish I could offer the answer but it has to be to find yourself again, and as another poster says become less bothered about him. You need to be able to sustain yourself then the relationship will take it's path, whatever that may be. You might find it doesn't hurt all that much. Wink
Much love.x

cjel · 14/04/2013 08:46

I was just sitting here this morning thinking of someone I could contact to be with today and don't really have many 'weekend' mates, but soon realised that the lovely day I will have pottering in my own little place is much better than than misery you are living with.I have slept all night woken feeling peaceful, a bit alone but not sad,and all the people I mix with now I didn't even know 18months ago. Its surprising who is out there waiting to be your friend. Are you near any of us in RL?

BranchingOut · 14/04/2013 08:51

I second the advice to totally take the wind out of his sails by not mentioning it anymore. You are no longer interested in going. Organise something else for yourself that weekend.

If it is too short notice to do anything with friends and relatives, try for a spa break on groupon or go on a National Trust working holiday weekend.

All the weeping and gnashing of teeth gives him too much power, this is kindly meant btw.

BranchingOut · 14/04/2013 08:51

Then watch what happens.

MadBusLady · 14/04/2013 08:54

Oh you poor love. Does this cheating twat add anything to your life or are you just staying together for the DC?

MadBusLady · 14/04/2013 09:00

I think this whole power game thing of ignoring him is only worth trying if he gives a shit, by the way. If he doesn't give a shit there's not really a lot you can do. I don't have to play power games with my DP to get him to take notice of my being upset!

Original poster
BLOO3Z · 14/04/2013 21:01

Thank you all so much for your replies, I've had my head messed with so much I don't know which way is up anymore..

OP posts:
cjel · 14/04/2013 21:18

Last time I looked it was still at the top!!!

Original poster
BLOO3Z · 14/04/2013 21:33

Cjel ha ha hope you had a fab day pottering around house in peace.

OP posts:
cjel · 14/04/2013 21:38

Went to the loft and got some pictures to put up on the wall and all my summer clothes to wash ready when we get the heatwave!! Hows things been for you today? Hope you manage to sleep well.

Original poster
BLOO3Z · 15/04/2013 15:30

Looking forward to summer here too, yes I slept thanks, I have written dh a letter explaining how I feel and how is actions affect me. I can only hope that he takes it on board as he did not last week when I talked to him he even fell asleep at one point which infuriated me! Showed real concern eh!
I have stated how much he has hurt me now and in the past and how I wont let him hurt me anymore, its up to him now. He has got to fight for me now as I have not the will/energy to keep this marriage going on my own anymore, I want to live my life. Depending on his reaction to my letter will determine how I proceed from here really.
Just writing the letter has been quite healing as it is no longer going around in my head anymore. It was also good to remind myself just what a lying h he has been, I have put all this in letter as think he needs reminding what Ive put up with from him, and that I will not allow him to treat me like this anymore. I feel quite cleansed now lol.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/04/2013 16:05

Glad you found something to release your frustration.
Let us know how it goes.
I think you know what will happen though and then you know what you need to do.
None of it easy but you can do it and things will get better when you don't have to worry or tip toe around him.
Good luck!

hellsbellsmelons · 16/04/2013 11:10

Hey BLOO3Z - any update on the response to the letter??
Hope you are OK.

Original poster
BLOO3Z · 17/04/2013 22:34

I have not given him the letter yet as his dad was poorly so would of been unfair, am just waiting for right opportunity now am worrying myself silly as really don't know how he will react. I will post a update when he has seen my letter.

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