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Original poster

What is 'normal' access for the ex after a split with small kids?

118 replies

4some · 13/04/2013 16:26

I am proposing the below for our 4 small kids (6, 4, 2 and 11 months). DH wants more (he wants 13 days a month) with a weekend 'off' every month. I said that's too much/too bitty. His plan would see them back and forth for odd nights here and there during school week which is my main concern.

I propose:

Week 1 Fri, Sat nigths with dad
Week 2 Sat, Sun nights with dad
Week 3 Fri, Sat nights with dad
Week 4 Sat Sun nights with dad.

If it went to court would they think my proposal is fair, or his bitty proposal with him getting a weekend off every month?

OP posts:
monkeyfacegrace · 13/04/2013 16:47

We do every other weekend Fri-Sun, and every Thurs pm for tea.

The kids arent very young, except from obv the teeny baby.

My dd has regularly being holidaying abroad with her dad since she was 3ish.

Its ace. I have a ready made babysitter under the pretence of 'access' Grin

badinage · 13/04/2013 16:48

As ever, this is about the children's rights to spend time with both parents and not the parents' rights to spend time with their kids. The best way of dealing with this is to ask him for a proposal and even if it seems too 'bitty' to you, think first about whether it would benefit the children more than long periods without seeing the other parent. If you intend living relatively near to one another and both of you have duplicates or spares of things at eachother's houses, this could work very well and it's up to your ex how he manages pick-up times, not you.

Original poster
4some · 13/04/2013 16:52

Badinage his proposal is above. x posts. It's the 5 nights undefined that really bother me.

OP posts:
MissAnnersley · 13/04/2013 16:54

I agree the 'extra 5 nights' is too vague.

As Thursdays don't seem to be a problem - every Thursday for tea, leading to overnight.

One weekend -friday overnight, Saturday until lunchtime and the next weekend Saturday lunchtime until Sunday teatime.

When they are older you can increase/change the access.

themidwife · 13/04/2013 16:54

Yes the 5 nights at short notice are a bit silly. I still think one night in week & every other full weekend fri to Monday gives you all a good deal

TimeIsACurrency · 13/04/2013 16:58

I agree with you it's far too bitty. Why does he need a 4 week timetable? Does he work in different places or something?

Original poster
4some · 13/04/2013 16:59

No works in the same place, tends to be late hours tho so getting off 'early' one night would be the max on a regular basis.

OP posts:
badinage · 13/04/2013 17:01

Yeah, cross-posted Smile

13 nights out of a possible 31 isn't unreasonable but it's usually best to avoid anything 'undefined' and to have a rota in place, with an expectation of mutual flexibility if something major crops up that requires a change in plans.

He does seem to have the greater proportion of the non-school nights and that won't help you much if you want to get a weekday job. It also leaves you with the greater proportion of the drudgey, schoolwork and early bedtime nights. However if you insist he washes and irons their uniforms when he has them, this might help lighten the load a bit.

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 17:03

Mediation?

There should be an answer here somewhere

TimeIsACurrency · 13/04/2013 17:03

That's not your problem tbh. He has to arrange childcare just like you have to. What does he expect you to do if you have to go back to work?

I'm obviously all for 50/50 parenting, but it has to be fair and even on both sides.

jellybeans · 13/04/2013 17:06

Most of my friends have the every other weekend and half the holidays type set up. One has the DC Monday and Tuesday. Could he have them a weekday and a day at the weekend? That way you both get a weekend day free? I would rather have the DC than a weekend free myself.

Original poster
4some · 13/04/2013 17:07

Yes we are going to mediation. I keep trying to slot some of the 'extra' 5 nights in and I just end up with one night here, one night there, etc which looks too bitty.

OP posts:
Original poster
4some · 13/04/2013 17:08

Jellybeans agree. I am not looking for a weekend off I would miss them too much. Split weekends I like!

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 13/04/2013 17:10

I think it's silly to say it's not the OP's problem, what he does about picking them up from school.

They're her children too, if they get picked up late or are upset about going with a childminder/nanny, if his arrangements don't work well, it's her children that are going to be upset! Of course it's her problem.

You don't just give up any say/rights/worries over what happens to them because they're on his time. It's not a job share!

Original poster
4some · 13/04/2013 17:17

The reality is I have an 11 month old and I am not going back to work until she starts primary school. So another 3 years. Seems mad for me to sit in an empty house on (for ex) a Tuesday night while my 2 year old is in some ad hoc daycare, my older ones are in after school clubs and my baby is with who knows?!!

OP posts:
Original poster
4some · 13/04/2013 17:18

The alternative is I pick them all up as normal and he collects them from me at, say, 6pm. 2 hours is not exactly quality time with dad tho is it?

Am going round in circles!

OP posts:
wonderingsoul · 13/04/2013 17:21

he could pick them up from yours at 6 keep them the night night and drop them at school or even at yours in the morning.

Original poster
4some · 13/04/2013 17:23

Yes I think best would be pick up from mine at 6pm latest. Which extra nights tho Hmm

OP posts:
Branleuse · 13/04/2013 17:25

every other weekend and one extra night every week is what we do here

Bossybritches22 · 13/04/2013 17:27

Sounds like you are both making it more complicated than it needs to be.

EOW & one night midweek is the norm as far as I can make out & they all need to know where they are at any given weekend. Makes it a lot easier for them "oh it's Daddy's w/e" or " Weds is daddy's night"

If you have a fixed structure then you both know where you are, both have a w/e "off" regularly & see loads of the kids at free times. On the weekend he isn't seeing them maybe he could have them for tea one extra night.

Best to be quite rigid about it at first so you don't have to have endless discussions about swapping until everyone is in a routine.

OutragedFromLeeds · 13/04/2013 17:29

Could he visit them at your house? Are you on good enough terms for that? Could he, for example, come to yours at 6pm and do the bath/bed routine for them all, while you go out/stay out the way?

badinage · 13/04/2013 17:31

Right, let's forget the rota just for a minute.

Has he ever had the four of them on his own overnight? And will he be on his own or is there another partner in the mix?

If he's trying to arrange a rota without actually knowing what it's like, you might find it suddenly changes once he does. On the other hand, if he's been a very hands-on parent and you've shared the childcare as much as working hours have allowed and have left them in their dad's care for overnight stays/weekends away then you can have more expectation of competence and realism.

Spero · 13/04/2013 17:32

'Normal' is often every other weekend and half school hols, maybe extra in midweek if you are both close enough to schools.

The issue if it went to court is what is in the best interests of the child so much depends on age of children, distance they have to travel etc.

No good arguing for 50% if one of you lives 100s miles away for eg.

I generally prefer longer chunks of time than bits here and there - if going for the bitty approach you will need to be very organised, be able to communicate well with your ex and live quite close to each other. Also think of things like parties, activities etc. will ex still take them to football/judo whatever if it is 'his' day?

If you don't communicate well, a very fixed and predictable routine is best. But if you can talk to one another and be flexible that's fine.

Smugfearnleyshittingstool · 13/04/2013 17:33

My exdh has our three children every Tuesday, and every other Friday 3pm from school until Sunday 6pm.

My dp, has his kids here every Thursday and every other weekend, Thursday from school till Monday 9am. So five nights a fortnight.

This works well for us as we have a kids all together long weekend, with lots of crazy fun, then a relaxing shorter weekend on our own, like now, when he's taking a siesta and I'm having a long soak before heading to the pub!

Every weekend with the kids would be hard for him alone as yours are very young I think, I'd worry about him loosing patience. Parenting alone is much harder after all.

wilkos · 13/04/2013 17:34

My STBXH has our children of 5 and 3 every other weekend of Friday after school till Sunday 7pm and one tea but no sleepover in the week ( the idea is that when they are older he will have them staying over in the week)

He was pushing for more weekends initially, but as others have said I don't see why he should get the fun bit whilst taking on none of the weekday routine (which unsurprisingly he wasn't so keen on doing)