What are the most important qualities of a relationship/marriage?

[Mosschops30]

To you?

I'm still dealing with the fact that I have ended my marriage over seemingly insignificant but important to me things.

Just wondered what everyone's ideas were on what you couldn't do without from your OH

Trust

Love

Respect

Good communication

Chemistry

Lots in common

Kindness

Humour

Just having that connection that you get with someone week you share all of those things with.

Coal, I am currently coming to terms with the fact that my marriage might well be over because I am not attracted to my husband and there seem to be a lot of people in similar situations on mn/other sites. If you are so unhappy about something then there comes a point where you owe it to yourself to make a change. I think I underestimated the importance of chemistry in a relationship, and also the negative impact it's absence can have on other seemingly good and stable qualities.

Respect.

Underpins everything IMO. DH would no more swear or shout at me than shoot me. We treat each other with the respect we rightly deserve.

I am often appalled by how little respect people have for their spouses and how they speak to them in a way worse than they would a stranger.

Kindness
Trust
Mutual respect
Friendship
Desire
Similar values

Similar enough to be compatible
Different enough to be interesting

Values family and understands my DC come first
Considerate of me in little things
Kind to everybody even the local nutter on the bus
Loopy sense of humour
Great in bed

I think this one is a keeper...

My marriage lacked:

Mutual respect
Intimacy
Sex (due to lack of above)
Sharing of tasks
Sharing of finances
Selfish

In all other aspects it was fine, he was trustworthy, honest, hardworking.
Sadly in the end these weren't enough, I know others can't understand why I've ended my marriage but I just felt I'd rather be alone than lack those other things

Thanks for sharing

Mutual respect and intimacy are def very important. And the sharing of other stuff all boils down to respect too :)

mutual commitment to doing the housework

mutual commitment to doing the housework

Arf. Good one. Despite a long and happy marriage my dh has never read that rule

He does work 80 hours a week though so can't exactly whinge too much.

Knowing what makes the other tick.

As well as knowing them to the point that one look at their face says if theyre bothered by something or upset.

Never bringing up old arguments in a current arguement.

If your out, on way home stop and buy their favourite coffee/chocolate whatever you want. It shows your thinking of them even when your out and about doing your own thing.

Agree with divided/shared chores. We both work full time so only fair. I cook, he washes up.

Maybe there's something then about having a mutual view of what 'big stuff' and 'small stuff' is? Because in our house housework is big stuff...but going out for the evening together isn't. And in other households, it's the other way round;.

Communication
Respect
Share enough interests but not all the same
Empathy
Being allowed to have different opinions without one being right and one being wrong

And the big one for me

COMPROMISE!!

Unfortunately all these things are currently lacking in my marriage, and I haven't been happy for a long time. I keep thinking its just me being pathetic and they aren't good enough reasons to leave though.

I should of run for the hills when he wanted me to say love, honour and obey in our wedding vows

I think at the end of the day different things are important to different people, and what some people can live with others can't.

Maybe there's something then about having a mutual view of what 'big stuff' and 'small stuff' is? Because in our house housework is big stuff...but going out for the evening together isn't. And in other households, it's the other way round;.

Definitely. Because dh works mental hours, we really value going out for meals/walks/picnics etc, but the house work is a total non-issue. I only work PT so am happy to do it but if I wasn't, I'd just pay someone to come and do it rather than it be a source of conflict.

MC I am a poster of olde and in a similar position to you.

Sometimes I wonder what's happened. Part of me is still in shock that I've done it.

I posted about my XH here once... everyone was appalled at the list of behaviours that I gave, but I know we still got on. I think we made a good team for raising children.

But he never 'had my back'. I never quite felt safe with him. I always thought 'but he's never hit me' etc etc.

He never made me a cup of tea, or ran me a bath, or even just smiled when I walked in the door.

I don't know, it was all the little things in the end. Sometimes the last straw is just a straw.

I know I'd rather be on my own, too.

It IS a fucking MESS though! :)

kate have you left your Dh

I'm finding my split very hard at the moment, hence this thread

Yes - 18 months ago. It is hard. I've never wanted to go back though. Wish I'd done it before.

It's the practicalities that are hard - it's tough on your own.

Respect, trust, friendship plus, laughter, love and the attention to the little details of what makes each other happy.

I have all of the good things people are mentioning with DP, apart from chemistry. It is killing me that I can't just be satisfied with this but I am thinking of breaking up. Ten years in and at 35 with no kids, feel a complete fool for burying my head in the sand and ignoring the problem earlier. Feel like whichever option I take I'll be wondering 'what if?' for the rest of my life.

qumquat maybe you can't have it all though, but I agree chemistry is important.

I suppose what's important differs but there seems to be some fundamental ones on here that we all agree we should have

Honesty and communication

Kindness and thoughtfulness

Loving and liking each other for who you are not who you want each other to be

Being able to be yourselves together

Chemistry and sex

Having fun together and enjoying each others company

Taking equal responsibility for your life together and pulling your weight

Both being willing to work at your relationship to keep things fresh and interesting, eg both coming up with ideas of stuff to do together

Mutual respect

Showing love and affection regularly and not taking each other for granted

All essential and in no particular order.