MIL coming to visit - so why do *I* get the cold shoulder?

[NotAnOtter]

mil coming tomorrow - not a good relationship with her ds (my dp of 15 years) just get along for appearances sake. dp dreads her visits and says his whole week has been ruined since she told him she was coming, I am at the end of a long and frayed tether with her as she seems to have never really acknowleged me as a person (no birthday cards EVER etc) I told dp a while back that i was no longer wiiling to fake the whole thing and me nice to someone who cannot be arsed to even Pretend to like me.
Anyway - i feel she is not my problem - we have a new baby who will be exactly 3 months old tomorrow whom she will meet but she is not really bothered.
anyway i could go on all night about how bitter i feel - suffice to say - dp has been FOUL all day and i know its cos of her. i have not said outright to him that it is because of her but i know it is!!!!What would you do ? I feel dp blames me for whatever shit life throws his way.

Rant over and sorry about grammar etc i am on breast pump!

Sounds pretty harsh, NotAnOtter. Maybe once this visit is out of the way you could mention to dp that it upsets you that he gets so narky before her visits (prob do not use word narky!). I have a terrible tendency to take my stress out on dh, it's very unfair. It's a lot for you to cope with on top of a small baby - I do think anyone indifferent to babies really should just stay clear of a new mum, you want everyone to say "oh how fabulous, and well done you" not "yeah, babies, they all look alike" (as my best friend said to me, hmph).

In future, can dp not tell his mother it isn't convenient when she announces she will be visiting? Obviously you'll probably haev to see her occasionally, although she sounds like a right old witch, but why you should all have the stress?

Hope the visit goes okay.

Or just go away yourself????? If she TELLS your DP she is coming, just take yourself off to a B & B or something and they can spend time together......

I am glad you all have that attitude ..i have this idea that the whole world has fab families and its just mine..

Do feel very unlucky with this particular mil - i have tried and tried but am too old and world worn now and just dont think i should have to.
Planning a day out for them and making a pack -up (!) even been on routefinnder ( the further the better imo)
Baby was in hospital earlier this week and she does not even know...Its just too much this visit and i need to keep out of her way

Bloody hell, NotAnOtter, if baby has been in hospital this week, I would have cancelled MIL without a second thought (and I get on reasonably well with my MIL, dh finds her quite stressful though).

You're absolutely right, send them out for the day and in future tell your dp he needs to grow a pair and tell his mum to naff off. (Also again do not use my exact words!)

I know Tri thats what gets me - its the age old story. he knows that she is a bitch to me ( once she have us all separate christmas cards and put a cheque in everyones but nothing in mine....on her card for new-baby ((no gift!!)) she just put FROM not even love not addressed to anyone just FROM MUM )

Sorry i digress he admits she iis horrible to me but wont say anything - i dont wnat any scene i just want him to fight MY corner for once. Fact is he is worried cos i have said i am not doing the happy families bit for once. I wont cause a scene or be rude i will just give a wide berth.

What a psychotic old bag. When your baby is older, you will reap the rewards though - my step-nieces have had my mum in fits saying how rubbish their other grandma is (i.e. my step-dad's ex-wife), and my niece once saw archive footage of Harold Shipman and said "look, there's grandpa", meaning my dad, cue further hilarity.

Seriously, though, she sounds thoroughly toxic and someone you could well live without. I'm not sure you can want dp to fight your corner and there be no scene, hard though it is, I would just settle for the easy life and avoid her at all times.

If it makes you feel any better, I have met my FIL once, when I was heavily pregnant. He never even mentioned the baby and after ds was born, we had a card addressed just to my dh saying "I hope you are well" (dh is chronically ill, so this wasn't meant in a completely rude fashion). That's it. I have one email from him in which he vaguely alludes to the possibility of ds existing, I think it says "I hope you are both (all!) okay".

It sounds like you are definitely doing the right thing by absenting yourself from the situation.

Wow Trib - I thank you so much for making me feel brighter tonight. I just think with baby being poorly and my hormones still a little on the post natal side i will just stay out of the situation as much as possible. the thing is i cannot bear the way it causes friction between me and dp.
He is under no illusions about her and is (To be brutally honest) unsure that he really loves he ( she left when he was 14 and he has had little to do with her since) she is always at great pains to tell me what she DID do as a mother - sometimes i want to say 'You bloody left !' but no one ever mentions that. she quizzes my children on - who takes them to school, who does this who does that - she is critical because we have five .... i am rambling I know but my children are all lovely and doing really well at school etc ( we are very lucky) and sometimes i honestly thinks she wishes they weren't...
She wants me to fail and i dont know why ...its not like i took her little boy away from her - she left him!

I have just posted that without reading it cos i am slightly embarrased but obviously need to vent !
I have not even had a drink !