Please come give my head a shake

[basketweaver2012]

Posted this in AIBU by mistake

Background is that me and Ex DH split last summer. Big fallout, he left and never came back. No planned split and very hostile for several months, mostly i admit from my side, but i was still am gutted that we had seperated, even if at times i could see it was for the best and I deserved better.
The trouble is that we keeping going round in circles. We start getting on, I say something like I miss him via text and he says he misses me too. This progresses and I normally take that as a sign hes thinking about giving things another go and over a course of a few days i carry this on and we end up at a point where i feel i can try broach the subject of a possible future. I am normally coping well, not in a heap anymore and plodding along. Its crap, i hate it but am usually able to be indifferent to my Ex DH when he comes to see our 2DC or drop off/collect etc and that seems to be my way of dealing with him, very take it or leave it. its when i feel this way, the fishing texts start from me.
So i get him to point where we end up taling about it. Him very reluctantly so, and i very quickly loose any shred of self respect i had left.
He wont commit, he says he doesnt know, agrees with good points i mention, brings up bad stuff that happened and it seems that he cant let go.
Ive damaged him, and i feel fucking dreadful for that. Thats not to say he hasnt damaged me, he looked like a broken man tonight.
I miss him, i love him, and i fancy him like mad. Hadnt realised how much until we split up.
I dont understand why we cant be together, we both love each other, we feel like we are soulmates but hes scared. Ive done that to him.
weve had a long hug and i feel cross with myself for being such an idiot.
I know this script and i know how it ends so why oh why do i keep trying to revisit this scenario when the end result is always the same?
and one again, bang goes my digntity. I never learn.

I just wanted to say you are not alone..here doing the same with the same feelings and we broke up last summer to. I could kick myself because if any of my friends had gone through the same I'd tell them to run a mile...still its complex. I hope things work out the best for you and your DC's. After all they are the ones that need the support most. If there is a solution I,m sure the MNers will tell us...I fear its get a grip!:)

I am too in this circle ... I tell him how I feel and harass him with constant messages for him to say he doesn't wish me any harm but he wouldn't be that bothered if he never saw me again so I delete his number and block him on chat for him to then say he wants to be friends and doesn't want me to cut contact.

I wish it was easier coz I would love to move on but for some reason I can't seem to do it and it frustrates me and annoys the hell out of me that I play right into his hands time and time again for him to then shrug me off .

Why can't we just walk away ..... ??

You can. You just have to go cold turkey, I'm afraid. You're missing out on possibly meeting someone else, someone amazing - this to-ing and fro-ing is destructive and taking up too much of your energy.

Sorry, bit harsh. I've been there and looking back I wish I'd walked away instead of clutching on to some dead dream. It's exhausting

Agree with tallwivglasses.

Been there done that.

I know you can't see it right now but it so much easier to just accept that it is over. It will feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

We have both moved on and are so much happier (well I am, I presume he is too)

All the best OP. It will be hard, so hard but it does get better.

This might sound silly, but do you text him those things when you are hormonal - PMS? Because I went through a tough patch with DP and I kept text a "friend" when I had PMS. I was.much more together about issues with DP and coping with them when it wasnt that time of the month.
It might not be the case eith you, I am just mentioning it just in casr because it was a total revelation for me!

I'm really not sure what triggers this off. It seems to be when we are getting on well. I think for both of us there is the element of we can't believe we are in this position.

He says I've done too much damage since we split which it probably true, but i react vocally if he does or says something which has upset or annoyed me. He doesn't seem to realise that there are consequences also for his action towards me. ie me being mad.
But I all i can see is this man who appears to have sorted his life out, standing on his own two feet ( his reluctance to be a grown up was a huge factor in why our marriage failed) and says he recognises his mistakes, but also says they were a symptom if us not working which them became a vicious cycle.
It's easily forgotten all the bad bits isn't it?

They say the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for a different out come, It is better to look inwards and look for the answers to why you keep doing this.

I think some people are like poison to eachother both hoping the other has the antidote this time but never is, someone has to walk away and the strength to do that is enormous and over whelming sometimes, but the consequences for not doing it will end up with you back at my original statement.