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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to be with the father of my dd

24 replies

SSSandy · 13/05/2006 08:23

I miss the father of my child so much. When I was pregnant, I chose not to marry him. He was very hurt, it also meant that he could not get an ordinary working visa (he's from Russia) but struggled on for 4 years doing odd jobs and things until he gave up and went back to Russia where he has a decent job in his profession but of course he earns next to nothing.

It was difficult to have a decent father-child relationship because he was so hurt and angry I expect, he did a lot of things to get back at me. It was a difficult time and well I thought I was well rid of him but to be honest. Still, I felt a strong bond to him through all those years, like he was the man I was meant to be with one day. I can't understand it myself. I've never felt the least urge to be with another man and sexually I can't face it with dp.

Now dd is nearly 6, he's been back living in Russia for nearly 2 years. He called yesterday and we had such a good talk and I feel so sad as if he's part of me and I'm cut off from him. I feel I love him so much and that I always did but I was too stupid to see it and I just wanted to have a safe little world to live in. I chose to stay with a friend when I was pregnant who has a well-paid job and gave me emotional/financial security. I care about him like a member of my family, like say a brother but I don't love him.

I think I messed up big time and I don't know what to do about it. I am sure it is too late to run back to the father of my child and tell him I love him. How could we have a relationship now, even if he wanted to? he hung about waiting so long and then he said he was getting on and couldn't do odd jobs forever, he had to get established in life, either here or in Russia so he went back. I just feel so desperately sad like I live in an empty shell of a relationship and all the time I should have had the courage to try and live a real relationship with my dd's father, even if it meant a real financial struggle and not being able to give dd the things I wanted to give her.

I don't think I can honestly fix things now but it is good to get it off my chest

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 13/05/2006 08:26

Do you want to get back with him and potentially) spend the rest of your life with him? If so, then you have to tell him or you'll be constantly wondering "what if..."

Original poster

SSSandy · 13/05/2006 08:32

Yes, soup dragon I do. It's a hard thing to just say over the phone, out of the blue after all the years and hurt. I know I have to say it, you're right but how do I go about it?

I always thought I was doing the best thing for my dd by making sure she was financially secure and had a decent home. I thought the love side was less important or something, but it isn't. I messed him about so much and hurt him with my rejection, choosing to be with someone else, and now when I call and say I love him and want to spend my life with him, I don't think he will believe it. Maybe too, he's just left me behind him now and is moving on. For all I know he may have someone special in his life.

I suppose I don't want to fall flat on my face.

When we talked last night he said he still loves me as the mother of his child and he loves me for being a good mother to her, that he wanted her so much and he was so sad when she was there and he couldn't live with us. We talked for 2 hours and we couldn't cut the conversation off.

I feel a real physical pain in my chest.

OP posts:

Original poster

SSSandy · 13/05/2006 09:06

Well that was good. :(
I called and a young woman answered the phone and told me he wasn't at home. She sounded nice. If she's alone in his flat early on a Saturday morning, I expect that will be his girlfriend :(

I wasn't expecting to have to speak Russian so I couldn't stammer out much, just managed "oh ok, spaciba"). Hope she didn't find me rude.

OP posts:

waterfalls · 13/05/2006 09:38

She could just be house sharing, most women would at least ask who was calling, when another woman calls and asks for their partner.

Hoopoe · 13/05/2006 10:17

I think you have to try. Otherwise you'll regret this for the rest of your life. I think you're already regretting it. Why don't you give him a call and tell him how you feel? He may say he's moved on, but then at least you'll know...

wannaBe1974 · 13/05/2006 10:47

why don't you write to him. Often it's easier to put down your feelings in a letter or an email (if he has email), because you can formulate exactly what you want to say and how you want to say it befor eyou actually send it.

If you tell him, you have to be prepared for the fact that he may have moved on, that he simply may not want to go back there again, if he was the one posting on here saying that the mother of his child had refused to marry him when she was pregnant and had opted to be with someone else instead but that she had come back to him 6 years later, it's possible a lot of people would be advising him to tread very carefully, because she'd hurt him once already.

You will have to acknowledge that you were the one that hurt him, that you opted for second best because you thought you would have an easier life, and you will then have to leave the ball in his court. Agree with SD, if you don't try you'll spend the rest of your life wondering, and even if you get hurt, it's better to be hurt by the truth than by the uncertainty, good luck

redbull · 13/05/2006 12:44

sssandy, i think you should phone him and tell him, the woman that answered the phone might be a flat mate or even a friend in need of some help or maybe she is his girlfriend but maybe its anew relationship so they proberbly arent serious, either way i think you need to tell him or else you will be woundering forever what if.......

And if she is his girlfriend sounds to me as if you have a stronger emotional and physical relationship more than she will ever have, and maybe he has also settled for second best thinking he will never be with you and dd as a family.

Just do it pick up the phone and ring, rerember you arent just doing this for your self but for your dd as you have said you want a better life filled with love for her.

Good luck and keep us posted

nightowl · 13/05/2006 13:34

write to him. its much easier to write things out. (well if you're anything like me) i do stumble over my posts sometimes but im far far worse on the phone. i forget important points and get put on the spot with questions. with a letter also, he can read it over a couple of times and take it all in. i would go for that. best of luck and let us know how it goes

Original poster

SSSandy · 13/05/2006 15:32

I feel SO much better now. Thanks for listening and telling me what you think. I'm chewing it all over.

He called and left a message on the answering machine whilst we were out and then I called back but he wasn't in and he then called back again. I think he was in the same state I was in to be honest.

I asked if it was his girlfriend who had answered the phone and he explained that he house shares. She'd told him an English lady with very little Russian had called, so that was about right!

Well, I told him how much I had enjoyed talking to him, how strong the connection was that I felt and how I had felt so sad afterwards and wished he was a part of dd's life and of mine. He said he felt exactly the same. He'd been feeling so sad himself and wishing things had worked out differently for us.

He said not to dwell on what we might have done wrong and how we ruined our chance to be happy together when dd was born. He told me after our chat last night, he had been thinking hard about how he could get to see us but he didn't want to say how it might be possible before he'd finalised arrangements. (I know he is the process of trying to win a contract for a job he really wants). In the end, he made me laugh and said to hang on to feeling like that. He would write this week and call in a day or two.

I have a bit of time to think about what to write in a letter and think about what I can do to show him that I love him. He knows it though, he said he always felt it.

I feel so much more positive, I'm trying to think now what I can do for him - whether we end up together in the end or not.

OP posts:

Hoopoe · 13/05/2006 16:16

Wow! Well done!

redbull · 13/05/2006 17:57

well done sssandy im sur things will work out for you

Greensleeves · 13/05/2006 18:02

Everything crossed for you SSSandy :)

SoupDragon · 13/05/2006 21:16

Definitely write a letter. If nothing else, it will organise your thoughts and make sure you can say what you want to say and also how you want to say it. Be honest.

Good luck.

Original poster

SSSandy · 14/05/2006 16:58

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 14/05/2006 20:53

are you living with a current dp?

Original poster

SSSandy · 15/05/2006 12:55

lemonstarttree, I don't know Is it your dp if you mean nothing to them? If you are just someone who does the housework and so on, is that a partnership really? It is like I have no quality of my own other than the person who does the housework and the mother of a child.

OP posts:

KTeePee · 15/05/2006 13:02

Is there anyway you could go to Russia to visit him so you can see how your feelings are when you spend some time with him? What I'm trying to say is sometimes it's easy to have rose-tinted spectacles about past relationships, especially if your current one is not going too well... If you and your dd could spend some time with him it might help you decide if you want to make it a permanent relationship again

moondog · 15/05/2006 13:09

SSS,I really hop it works out for you.
What a poignant tale?
Were you ever married to him?
This would have boosted his chances of getting a visa and still could!

I lived in Russia and have many friends/acquaintances happily sorted in British/Russian relationships.

I was also very happy when I was there.

Best of luck.

Original poster

SSSandy · 15/05/2006 13:21

Moondog, my Ukrainian friend always says it reminds her of the Tin Soldier by Hans Christian Anderssen. I couldn't remember it so I asked if it has a happy ending - unfortunately not! Just read it to dd at the weekend. That's encouraging that you know Russian-British marriages that work out. The temperament is so different...

I was very nearly married to him. We bought rings and went to the registry office, started getting papers but it was always so emotionally charged. He'd say, "do you REALLY love me" or "you don't love me the way I love you" and he was very emotionally insecure. If the financial side alone had been catastrophic, I would have gone ahead with it, but since the emotional side was so up and down too, I couldn't imagine being married to him and bringing up the child together.

TKeePee, you're right of course. That's what I'd like to do. I will wait and see what he has to say about travel/meeting up. It takes some planning with visa regulations etc. I was also thinking of suggesting we meet in Poland for a long weekend, maybe Krakow. As far as I know, Russians don't need visas for Poland. We could travel to Moscow but he's working long hours 9-7 with an hour's commute so we wouldn't have much time together.

OP posts:

Hoopoe · 15/05/2006 13:30

SSSandy, are you sure that the problems you experienced the first time round won't come back to haunt you? Have your situations changed so much?

Original poster

SSSandy · 15/05/2006 13:34

Hoopoe, I'm not at all sure of course but you know I thought they were insurmountable problems and that the love we had wasn't strong enough, yet it is still there.

OP posts:

runtus · 15/05/2006 14:20

Will the person you are with now not have a problem with you simply jetting off for a long weekend with your ex??

And what about your daughter, all this is likely to be very unsettleing for her and you have no assurances it will work out this time. I am assuming she is happily settled with your current partner and as you say she has not had much contact with her BF - how are you going to play it to her. She might end up getting very hurt and cunfused.

I'm not saying you shouldn't make a go of it if you can, just - have you thought about things if it all goes wrong and you are left on your own with a very confused and possible angry child?

wannaBe1974 · 15/05/2006 14:45

I think there are actually two issues here, firstly there is the relationship you currently have with your partner, and then there is the feelings you have for the father of your child. Re the relationship you are currently in, imo you should look to resolve that before embarking on something with this other man. If you don’t love your dp, then is it really fair to stay in a relationship with him for the sake of convenience? Is he aware that you do not love him and that you actually want to be with someone else? I would have a talk with your dp and decide what you want to do about that relationship first. If you no longer want to be with him, then really he does deserve to be told the truth, and the sooner you tell him, the sooner he can come to terms with it and get on with his life and leave you to get on with yours. I wouldn’t embark on a relationship with the other man until your dp is no longer a part of your life, imo the two are not connected.

Agree with the poster who said that you should try and spend some time together and see whether the feelings are still there before deciding that you definitely love each other and want to make a permanent future for yourselves and your dd. But I wouldn’t do that until you’ve ended the relationship with your dp. And, imo, I wouldn’t end the relationship with your dp because you want to be with your ex, you should end it because you don’t love him and don’t want to be with him. If you think that you would want to stay with your dp if it wasn’t for your ex, then I wouldn’t end the relationship at all and would look to forget about the ex.

Good luck

Original poster

SSSandy · 16/05/2006 18:27

I understand what you are both saying but without going into detail about our relationship, I can't really answer those points well.

Thing is dp and I have been best friends for over 20 years. I have no doubt that we'll be best friends when we're wrinkled old folk but we are just not meant to be a couple. It's not one-sided and there is no pretense or deceit or anything like that between us. We just both adore dd and our friendship is long-standing, we're like old shoes, comfortable. Dd knows of course that he isn't her dad. If we live apart, dp will stay the family friend. If we move apart, it won't be with acrimony, we're more like members of an extended family sharing the same home as it is and that wouldn't alter.

I'm always straight with dp, it wouldn't hit him like a bolt from the blue or anything. He knows all about dd's father and the ups and downs and how I've felt. I know other people will find us weird but it is hard to explain the relationship

OP posts:

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