Given DP ultimatum

[TheTiler]

I've reached the end of my tether and given DP an ultimatum this morning to get counselling, or it's over. I'm scared he will refuse, but there is literally nothing else I can do. We've been together 15 years and have small DC. We have the same arguments over and over again - if I try and bring up an issue I have in the most gentle, considered and reasonable way, looking for a discussion, he will become instantly defensive, indignant, and inflame the situation to an argument ... flounce off and leave me in silence, often for several days. I can't take any more of it. I can't live with a sulky child any longer. The DC are starting to notice the silences. He witnessed horrible arguments between his parents when he was growing up, and I'm convinced that his experiences then have been spilling into our relationship now, and ruining it. It's as though he feels compelled to sabotage his own happiness.

Not sure why I'm posting. I think I'm doing the right thing and am totally prepared to go through with it, of course. But I don't want to. I don't want our little family to fall apart.

If he needs a couple of days to think about it, then he needs a couple of days to think about it. It's only been 24 hours. If the boot was on the other foot I would probably need longer than that myself ...

'Not talking' is not a consequence, it's his default setting. Why is it still his decision what happens next?

Thank you, Octopus and Tea.

I can't physically march him to a counsellor and make him talk, so if he accepts my "order", or whatever you want to call it, I'd consider that is him taking responsibility. So what if he needs a push to do it? If the outcome is the same - the family staying together - then steering him in that direction will be 100% bloody worth it, in my opinion.

Cogito, because I'm not prepared to end a 15-year relationship 24 hours after I gave him the ultimatum.

Do you really think that's wrong?!

What I think is wrong is giving someone an ultimatum & then soft-pedalling. Yes, he may need a day or so to process the information but, in the meantime, you started out saying you were at the end of your tether but have then gone on to spend a lot of time here rationalising his behaviour, blaming his parents and claiming 'he's not as bad as all that'... which sounds like you're backing off. You described him as a sulky child to start with and, if you give a sulky child an ultimatum, you have to follow through.

Fuck sake, Cogito, I will follow through if I have to - didn't I say that in my OP? You are just desperate for me to dump him, right now, as though my life is some sort of Eastenders episode or something. I have the future of 3 DC to consider - this is by far the most important thing, and I will not turn their lives upside down if I don't absolutely have to.

I'm not backing off or soft-pedalling - you have simply decided that you know better than me precisely what he is like. Interesting that you seem to have an all-knowing window into my world.

Glad you're going to follow through.

I agree with Cog that the ultimatum needs to be followed through - don't let him have more than 48 hours.

I say this kindly, if it takes more than 48 hours for him to decide that you and your DC are 'worth fighting for' or putting a bit of effort in for it will affect your self-esteem in the long term. I got an immediate, of course I'll go for anger management counselling, and he booked it, and went. It wasn't enough in the end - he had eroded my goodwill and he was just using the process to keep me under control.

Incidentally, he hasn't really changed despite the intervention - his new DW has the strained look of someone under attack. And my DS describes a household that is still dysfunctional.

Tiler x-post.

Damn it. I think you might just have the gumption to get the best result for your DC

The problem with your ultimatum was that it had no timescale to it. Perhaps you should tell him that you want to tell you his decision within the next 48 hours.

Jeez, you are not asking him to fight a dragon for you, just go to counselling in an attempt to save your relationship. What's to think about really? If that's what it takes, anyone who really wanted to be with their partner, would do it.

If he hasn't responded at all to your ultimatum, that speaks volumes. That tells you straight away how much he respects you.

He's agreed.

Phew.

I think whilst he's having the counselling which, let's face it, will take several months if not years, you need to set some boundaries and groundrules for 'robust discussions'.

Firstly, I would suggest that they stop being robust. That is not helpful to the discussion. You should sit down together and agree the rules. These would be mine (in fact, they are mine when dh and I have things to discuss).

1. No shouting
2. No swearing
3. No slamming doors, banging tables, or any of that kind of nonsense
4. No storming off, instead say that you need a break
5. No interrupting
6. No silent treatment
7. No veering off the agenda (if other things crop up, you make a note of them and agree to discuss them later but for now you concentrate on what it is you are trying to resolve)
8. Say what you mean (no hinting, passive aggressive or point scoring)
9. Mean what you say (no 'heat of the moment' hurtful comments, false promises, etc.)
10. Resolve the issue or agree to come back to it within a set timeframe

Thank you, Fairenuff; yes, I know we have a long road ahead and this is just the beginning. I hope my sense of relief at the moment is not just temporary ...

Your list is great, very useful and I will sit down with him and put them to him. Most of them - he doesn't really, thankfully, do 1), 2), 3) or 9). I guess that still leaves 6 bad habits though .