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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

29 year age gap - can a relationship work? Also...'bedroom advice' please!

122 replies

praying4winter · 09/04/2013 11:19

I've been seeing a man who is 29 years older than me, for about 6 months now.

We've discussed the possibility of a proper future between us and he seems keen; as am I, but he keeps saying although the age gap doesn't matter to him, he's worried that as I get into my 40s and "hit their prime and become sexier" (his words, he says it happens to all women), it will cause problems as he will be (again, in his own words) "a geriatric".

He keeps himself fit; lots of walking/hiking, jujitsu, has a young outlook on life and has no health problems as yet - whereas I have a dodgy back/shoulders, my mum was signed off work permanently at the age of just 42 due to rheumatoid arthritis and she also has so many health issues; it's likely I'll 'degenerate' before him! :)

Can a relationship work with such an age difference? If you saw a 31 year old woman with a 60 year old man would you think that was weird? Worth more than just the first glance, that kind of thing.
He's quite 'hippy dippy' (for want of a better phrase) and dresses in combats, baggyish jeans with a shirt and hoodies, but it suits him.
So not like he's dressing or acting his age.

My second question is the sex.

I don't want to stereotype, but I've always been with men my own age (and not many of them either).
We have had sex once, but he calls it making love and is very into pleasing me first, very touchy feely and takes it slow and lovingly, whereas my past exes (there have only been 2 of them) have been quite fast and furious - not all the time, but I do enjoy that sometimes.
I enjoy 'giving' rather than receiving (you know?) but no idea whether he's into 'those' as he hasn't said and I have no idea how - or even whether to - ask him, same goes for umm...sorry but I need to ask - anal? I have done it and enjoy it...I'm guessing he may not (he has said he's been fairly traditional and not tried tying up/being tied up, dressing up etc but would be willing to try most things).

I don't want to come across as some nympho and scare him to death but he doesn't seem totally at ease using the more crude words to describe the acts I want to indulge in, so I feel quite awkward in knowing how to ask what he likes or would be willing to try.

This is a genuine post, honest - so any answers appreciated :)

OP posts:
GettingGoing · 09/04/2013 20:00

'typical unhelpful, unfunny replies from AF...'. whenIwasRosie - what are you talking about?

comingintomyown · 09/04/2013 20:30

I wouldnt but theres nothing wrong with it

Both my parents remarried someone 16 years their junior and now they are 70 its starting to show badly much less double that age gap

snowshapes · 09/04/2013 20:42

I think it depends on the person, but I would tend to agree that the advantages are all for the man. I had an age difference with my husband, now separated, not as much as you have, but after a while, it became obvious to me it was not an equal partnership. He was used to things his way, and had his ideas, and became controlling and abusive. While I appreciate age difference relationships can work, in general I do wonder why men do not take up with women their own age now.

I think other practical things if you take up with him long term, what about a joint family home? Will he really want to move into a new home? As a couple, you need a home which is both of yours.

And I wouldn't be making statements about not going off with a younger man, six months is still the honeymoon period. Who knows?

Liara · 09/04/2013 20:58

I have seen many, many relationships like this, including my best friend and a few in my family.

Many have lasted 'the distance' but none of them have been unproblematic.

Yes, there is a particularly difficult patch when the woman hits about 40, and the man is retiring/retired.

Retirement and age 70 seem to be massive life changes in many men. They seem to age in a discontinuous fashion, a man who was youthful and vital a few years earlier can suddenly seem to become an 'old man' over a fairly short period.

The burden of this falls inevitably on the woman. When there are children involved (as there would be in your case) it can be truly trying to be there for all the people who need them.

Only you can decide whether it's worth it for you, but you are wise to think about the issues up front.

Kione · 09/04/2013 21:18

didnt have time to read all the thread but, if you love each other go for it, Paul Newman was hot at 83!
But yeah, make sure you have good pension plans etc.
Sexually you may have great fun discovering things together Wink

BerylStreep · 09/04/2013 21:31

I missed Rosie's comment before it was deleted, but AF's comment earlier was one of the funniest things I have read for a long time!

CruCru · 09/04/2013 21:41

This could be great but...

When you are in your mid sixties he will be in his nineties. When you are meant to be enjoying early retirement, you will be looking after a very old man.

maleview70 · 09/04/2013 21:44

Unless he is dead by then!

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 09/04/2013 22:03

Still choking about AF's Marmite Tower comment and thinking that perhaps the tag line for marmite is accurate - you either love it or hate it!

Cherylkerl · 09/04/2013 22:07

My dad and his partner have a 22 year age gap and it's lovely to see him happy with her - and she's only a couple of years older than me, but much more mature!

Age CAN be an important issue but doesn't HAVE to be. This relationship has lasted almost as long as my parents marriage did - now been together 15 years and counting. My parents were the same age.

Age does have some impact on the relationship I suppose though. He's very keen for her to retain her independence and has encouraged her to pursue a career - she was a stay at home single mum when they met. He did provide support but also mindful of the fact that she needs something for herself and a means of earning a living for when he isn't here. Their age and life stages did shape certain things - in the early days, there was a lot of conversation about the issue of kids. She had two young kids from a previous relationship, we were grown up. My Dad was willing to commit to being a step dad but not keen on anymore of his own, but aware that at her age at the time - early twenties - she might not have been done. As it happened, she felt she was and I think they are happy with their decision. Dad would not have continued the relationship otherwise - he believes women should not be denied the opportunity to be a mother by an older man who has children. She appears to be enjoying the fruits of her efforts now my dad is a grandad as she has a very special role in my nephew's life, so she has access to baby cuddles.

Can't comment on the sex, requires brain bleach! But I'm informed that my parents marriage wasn't physical and from the sounds of things, his current relationship is. I'm pleased for him that he's fulfilled in this sense, but obviously not going to dwell on that! but I hope they are both happy, it's something people deserve.

So personally speaking, I'm glad that some people are open minded to have age gap relationships, because this particular one has made my family. I chuckle in a nice way when I hear her refer to her 'boyfriend'...he's not a boyfriend, he's my embarrassing dad!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 09/04/2013 22:07

My DH is a lot older than me.

I married him because I couldn't not marry him. And I did try not to a couple of times Grin

I have no idea what will happen 20 years from now. No one does. But like juneau's aunt ^ he is the love of my life :)

Darkesteyes · 09/04/2013 22:07

My DH is 63 and i will be 40 in two months. We have been together 21 years but have not had any affection or sex between us since i was 23.
When i was 30 i had an affair.
OP if you put my username into the search engine you will probably find where ive posted about it a lot.

AgathaPinchBottom · 09/04/2013 22:31

Haven't read whole thread but just wanted to say I'm happily married to a man 27 years my senior and he is the man for me. We have a beautiful ds together. The age gap is not something I notice at all now - although I did more so at the beginning. We are very happy, we fit. My sister in law is also happily married to a man thirty years her senior. so im 33 and my brother in law is 83 ; )
It all seems very normal in our family ...

whenIwasRosie · 09/04/2013 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2013 23:03

Rosie, if you are insinuating I reported you, that would make you wrong

Again

AnyFucker · 09/04/2013 23:05

Rosie, ask OP if she was hurt by my comment. Then ask her if she feels offended by the way you have patronised her. Also whether she is pissed off with her thread being derailed by a shit stirrer.

You might get some answers you didn't expect.

whenIwasRosie · 09/04/2013 23:10

I didn't patronise her. You derailed her thread by making a silly joke on it and who else got my post deleted, it was harmless enough

AnyFucker · 09/04/2013 23:14

Yes, you are patronising her by making the assumption she needs protecting from the comment I made. Conversely, I expect her to be grown up enough to take it on the chin (or anywhere else she likes to take it)

whenIwasRosie · 09/04/2013 23:14

It wasn't meant to be patronising or offensive to the OP, it was a genuine post. Your post about the 'marmite tower' was way more offensive imo

whenIwasRosie · 09/04/2013 23:16

I was not patronising her, I was not protecting her from your comment and I see you are at it again

AnyFucker · 09/04/2013 23:16
Grin

get a grip, Rosie, you are making yourself look silly.

whenIwasRosie · 09/04/2013 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

cozietoesie · 09/04/2013 23:18

Let it go, rosie. The OP can look after herself it seems to me.

Mumcentreplus · 09/04/2013 23:23

wonders if Rosie loves or hates Marmite? Hmm Grin

Original poster
praying4winter · 10/04/2013 09:17

Oh God, argument in thread! What to do...what to do...!?

FWIW (and I did say this....I think, maybe I forgot to press 'post'), I cracked up laughing at the Marmite Tower post - the way AF typed that whole comment appealed to my sense of humour and I genuinely wasn't offended.

I haven't been offended or upset by anything anyone has said; it's not RL after all but more importantly than that, I'm genuinely thinking that I wasn't meant to fall for this guy; when I first started talking to him I noticed 'something' about him, but it wasn't an attraction in the physical sense or me thinking I wanted to be with him from then on.
We met up properly about a week after we first met and I felt so relaxed and comfortable, as did he; it was like we'd known each other years and since then, the conversation has flowed and we talk about anything and everything; it just feels natural.
But it seems mad to me, lol - good mad, but still insane that there I was just happily bringing my daughters up and genuinely not expecting or looking for a man...then I meet one that knocks me sideways without me realising - and all of a sudden it feels...well just...'right'. He says the same - last thing he was expecting was to feel this way about someone so much younger.

All the advice has helped me immensely - whether it's comments about Pensioners liking Marmite ( Grin ) or the more serious ones with experiences on either side of the AGR fence.

OP posts: