Heartbroken and Struggling to Cope Pt2

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

Some of you may remember me from the original thread. Sorry if am withering on, I just need to get this out.

I was with P for 18 months, house together etc, work for same organisation, so called happy. Sadly for me after 6 months he started putting me doing, being aggressive and it eventually manifested itself into physical violence.

We ended 2 days after Christmas 2012, I confessed all to my parents. In reality I left but he asked me to go.

The first thing he did was delete me, my family and friends off Facebook- priorities !!! I was pretty shocked and humiliated.

I'd felt uncomfortable for some time about him messaging a friends sister and it turns out my feelings and instinct were not in vain. My friend told me last night a mere few days later on New Year's Eve , he was flirting outrageously with her. Alas.

Should point out been no contact since very early January, and only bashed into him once.

Anyway, the point of this is.. Last night , on Facebook (I don't have it anymore) my friend took me aside and told me there's a new girlfriend. I am upset. Although I do now he can't hurt me anymore...

I struggle daily as we pass each other in the car, I struggle as my life was a lie, my P was not who I believed he was.

Am struggling right now in the knowledge of this that nothing of our relationship in my eyes meant all that much to him for him to behave this way , even now. And that it still hurts like hell.

For all he did to me, I fear I still love the person who I thought I woke up next to every day

Please help!

I know, rabbit he's a product of his very emotionally unattached mother, the scariest and nastiest and bitter woman I've ever met.

Maybe my issue is am not an angry person, never have been. I let it wash over me. I could never understand his temper and reactions, they scared me. I don't see it in myself maybe.

Am just not angry about any of it, it's that old cliche , am disappointed and hurt.

I hope I meet someone thoroughly decent yet?!!!

There have already been some great words of wisdom posted.
Run a bath, put bubbles in and music on tonight, try and relax, take deep breathes you have had a very lucky escape.

Nothing you could have done would have made him behave any differently.

Well done for getting up and keeping going no matter how bad you feel. I had CBT therapy after an abusive relationship the main advice is to do just that. CBT is a lot harder than counselling but it makes you think differently about things. Ring your friends in RL and plan some fun. There is the rest of your wonderful life out there to be enjoyed.

Freedom and the ability to have your own real life is what counts. You are doing much better than you think.

Great advice better.

CC this is impossible to follow advice but after my abusive relationship ended I met a fair few people and had a few relationships over the next three years that helped heal wounds and were fun (and sometimes not fun at all - not abusive but not right) but nothing serious (for me). It was when I threw the towel in and decided, genuinely, that I wanted to be single for a sustained amount of time that I met my husband. He is everything my ex wasn't and if it wasn't for my ex and all the things that unfolded after that I would never have met him. Life's funny like that.

You will look back and see this point as the start of your next chapter.

betterthannever, such simple words about nothing I could have done, yet it rings so true. Four months on and that thought has never occurred to me; yet so obvious. thank you

Am thinking about more intensive therapy, but at times I just want to congratulate myself for not thinking about him for an our! Am worries that CBT may catapult me right back into emotional hell

rabbit, yes, I need to stop seeing the past and go forth into the opportunity and freedom this escape has provided me with,

I just don't know what the future will hold. I truly hope i never meet another charmer hiding behind and abuser!

CBT may do that you are right and you may surprise yourself how quickly these feeling pass, despite being so intense now, wait and see there is no rush with anything. Your time and your life is your own.

You don't know what the future holds but see it like the middle of the film, exciting and you are looking forward to the rest of it.. rather than as a worry.

And you are doing exactly right in congratulating yourself when you don't think about him for an hour... that hour will turn into two and so on... one day you will smile to yourself that you have gone a few days.... and look on this experience as being something you can help others with in the future. You will soon be advising others on how you got through it and telling your happy ending. Good Luck. You deserve every happiness.

I think I'll consider it for future then. If you don't mind me asking, how many sessions did you feel you had to attend?

Thank you for your well wishes!!

This morning still had a degree of sickness feeling, but I was on the road early. Certain pangs of sadness as I drove past shared memories etc and thought of the new girlfriend. but he can't hurt me anymore, he simply can't

We sadly work for the same organisation (although am trying to get out, had interview last week) and I do feel very humiliated by his actions. Surely people see him for what he is behaving like this? Some colleagues have mentioned concern about his temper and moods...

Have only skimmed thread and it looks like lots of good advice and support. I was reminded of technique from 'I can mend your broken heart' where you focus on scenes of when exP was unpleasant then run them together in your head like a movie. I found it very helpful for getting rid of awful pangs and it started to mean when I thought of exP the things that came to mind were the reasons to be grateful I was on my own good luck.

I still have it but on an ad hoc basis - my ex disappeared for years but has come back and taken me to court - he is a lying, maniac and whilst I trust that the system will help me and my DS it is scary. I was in a bad way when I started the sessions (much worse than you are with all due respect) and it took 20 sessions before I could function but then I made quite swift progress. I would say (but everyone is individual) 10 would be a good number to have in your mind.

isabeller thank you! The movie thing is very much me! Am a total daydreamer (Pisces, if anyone thinks it's related, not that I do or pay any attention) and always play out happy romantic movies and aversions in my head, I should try the sad ones to affirm my mantra; he's a nob, he's a nob!

betterthanever so sorry to hear you had a hellish time too. Thanks for the advice, am going to look into that.

Every day brings something new, doesn't it?

One day you will be surprised by feeling meh not pang

I know I'll do this, I just need to stay strong and understand what it is I can understand and learn to trust in the good in people again!

And theres plenty good in the ladies of MN