I'm exhausted by the feeling of being completely dispensable

[StephaniePowers]

I woke up this morning to an email from MIL about a family lunch I was invited to today. DH can't go (work) but her other son is visiting with his family. They are lovely so I was looking forward to seeing them.

Only now it turns out everyone is busy, and what I thought was an invitation to a family lunch is an invitation to come late (after a 2h trip to get there), eat late, and go. 'Have a leisurely morning' she says.

It is always like this. I always end up with the feeling that if there is a pressure point, I am the thing which can be dispensed with. It wouldn't even have occurred to her that I have turned down two things I really wanted to do, because I felt it was better to do a family thing. My leisurely morning could have been spent doing one of those things and it's too late now.

So now I have to go somewhere where it's a bloody pain to get to, be there for an hour, knowing I am not particularly welcome as everyone would rather be doing other things. And knowing I've missed something far better which suited me down to the ground.

It's so so often like this: they don't seem to see me as a person who has a life which deserves any consideration. They don't treat dh like this as he doesn't have a social life and he can cook, so he goes to theirs and caters for them.

I hate this pattern and always fall into the trap. Without just not agreeing to see them at all, how do I stop doing this to myself?!

Do not dance to her tune. She isn't adding to your life so why bother. I would make a concerted effort to avoid the old bag.

She's a liar, and not a very good one. I'd be flat out bald-faced honest to her in future. Take the gloves off.

A decent/nice/family person would ALWAYS say 'hey, SP, we're in your area, fancy meeting up if you have time?' or at the very least, "we'll drop the kids back to you" she knows what she did, and she'll gaslight until the end of time rather than admit it.

Distance yourself, make sure you don't just allow this to be brushed under the carpet. Tell H that he's welcome to see them, but you won't be, and you don't think the DC staying with them again is good for them, if their mother is held in such utter contempt.

Draw a line, set your boundaries and draw your loved ones close.

That's excellent advice Hissy, spot on.

Well, her behaviour is terrible and I'd have been really annoyed about being messed around too.

But, there are bits of your posts that make it sound as though you perceive things to be aimed at you that probably aren't. So, your DH doesn't have a social life, so they think you're the same, or believe family comes first. That's a lazy assumption, not them trying to ruin your social life. He gets roped into cooking, well lucky they don't just assume you'll step in, isn't it? The BIL is the golden boy, that's about them thoughtlessly favouring him, why assume he doesn't like you?