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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stick to separation. Or keep trying?

18 replies

LadyApricot · 06/04/2013 12:08

I find it incredibly sad that my dh and I have decided to split. That was only last night so I'm still wondering I there's any way of turning things around
He seems to have a lot of deep resentment for a few silly little things I've done in the past and is still bringing it up. One example is that I made a face behind his mums back when she said something I thought was irritating. All hell broke loose! In my family that's what we are like, childish, maybe but the 2 yrs of hatred for it seems a little over the top.
My h spends all his time in bed. I do all the child care cleaning organising etc. I even have to phone the doctor or dentist for him as he 'doesn't like it' - I even did his application for his job!
We are on a low income and I admitted I'd been dipping in to his savings to get by but paying cut back every month although it was escalating. His reply is to it back on food and it will be 'easy'.. It's not bloody easy, I pay some of the bills too but as he works he thinks he has the upper hand and shouldn't have to have any other in put into the house.
One example from last nights 'talk' was when I asked why does he not ever get up in the morning or come up with ideas for what to do at the weekend. The answer? Because he's working all week he doesn't have time to think of things to do and doesn't have the energy to do all that as well as work! It was all very 'poor poor h' and my feelings were made to feel petty and 'crazy'
There were many other things but its already a long post.
Shall I just stick to the separation idea? I am terrified of being a single mum. I have no money, no car, in a privately rented house which the landlady wants to sell (I have nooner to get anywhere else )
Are these sort of problems normal marriage issues?

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyApricot · 06/04/2013 12:10

No money to get anywhere else I mean, not nooner!

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 06/04/2013 12:15

I think it sounds like seperation would be a good idea.

You do all the childcare and cleaning and organsing anyway, so your life will be easier as a single mum without this manchild to look after as well.

Doesn't sound like normal marriage issues, but does sound like some of the issues are made worse by your financial strain.

As a single mum you could get work as well as still recieving maintinance from his for the children.

How many DCs do you have and what ages?

Fairenuff · 06/04/2013 12:18

No, these are not normal issues. He sounds controlling.

You would be so much happier without him. It sounds like the only thing he contributes to the family is money and even then it's tights. He takes so much emotionally, it's just not worth running yourself ragged to please him. Men like this cannot be pleased, no matter what you do.

So, my advice would be to speak to a solicitor and find out what you are entitled to financially and what your options are. Hopefully others who have been through separation will come along with more practical advice.

Keep posting for support, you will get it in bucketloads.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/04/2013 12:22

"He seems to have a lot of deep resentment for a few silly little things I've done in the past and is still bringing it up. "

Please understand that these are excuses to control you, not genuine reasons for resentment. No, it's not normal marital behaviour. It's bullying. He needs to invent these ridiculous criticisms to have you on the back foot and feeling like any problems in the marriage are your fault. As all bullies know, if you are feeling guilty or unsure you are going to be eager to please, easier to control, frightened to complain, and it means he doesn't have to do a blind thing.

You need the separation for your own sake. There are far worse things than being a single parent - I should know, I've been one for 13 years. You need time on your own to 'reset' and understand that how your husband has been treating you has been quite, quite wrong.

Strength and courage...

Original poster

LadyApricot · 06/04/2013 15:17

Thank you so much. I really need this support and it seems so clear now you've said it. He is a bully! Using tiny reasons to make me feel guilty and put me in my place.
Ds is actually from a previous relationship and I was a single mum until he was 7. I got in a terrible financial mess I'm older and wiser now. Dd is 2.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/04/2013 15:26

What happens next? Is he leaving?

Original poster

LadyApricot · 06/04/2013 15:56

I haven't spoken to him today, we're avoiding each other. I think he's hoping it'll blow over and we'll forget about it which has happened before.
Had a chat with my mum and she took the 'please think of the children' route making me feel awful!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/04/2013 16:09

The correct reply to 'please think of the children' is, of course... 'I am thinking of the children. They deserve to grow up in a home where their mother has enough self-respect not to be talked down to and treated like a skivvy' :)

If you've already been through this process before you probably don't need me to tell you that avoiding each other doesn't work with bullies. The 'blow over' thing comes from them not respecting your opinion, (he's already called you 'crazy') and trivialising things that are important to you. You may even find he's on best behaviour for a while... that would be a pretty typical response to the suggestion of a separation. Sadly, the only impression you're going to make is if you back up words with actions and do something that makes his life a bit worse than it usually is. e.g. packing his bag....

Original poster

LadyApricot · 06/04/2013 16:23

Luckily I did say that to my mum and she soon realised I had a point. I grew up learning from my parents how to treat people and get the most from life. My children would learn that women have it tough while men stay in bed and they'll have the most boring child hood in the world if this carries on.
I don't really know what to say to him now apart from 'when are you leaving'! And it makes me feel so mean. I just need to remember all the stuff that's happened before and what's been said, before I start to feel sorry for him ..

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/04/2013 16:50

It's not mean, it's assertive. The problem I expect you have is that, having been on the receiving end of this behaviour for some time, you're not sure what's normal any more. For example... if you were in a healthy, equal relationship you would never have 'asked why does he not ever get up in the morning or come up with ideas for what to do at the weekend.' You'd have been 'telling' him to buck his ideas up.

It's a tough thing to assert yourself when you've spent several years modifying what you say and do trying to keep a bully sweet. You'll feel mean, selfish, guilty, plus a lot more negative besides (thanks mum!) ... but it's just a recalibration back to normal. Like I say, strength and courage..

Original poster

LadyApricot · 06/04/2013 18:51

Thank you :) I will stay strong!

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Original poster

LadyApricot · 06/04/2013 22:38

Not so strong now! He packed his suitcase but didn't go, had some excuse about no one being able to put him up. After another talk tonight he's admitted he has depression and is going to the dr. He accepts a lot of what I've said now, instead of accusing me of silly things like he was last night. Apparently he doesn't remember half the stuff he said to me. (yeah right!)
However, I know men don't just change. I can see some of the problems always being there. I am often very quick to give up on things and I'm swaying slightly..
But I just don't like his family, I don't like the way I am like a mum to him.
I am already dreading Christmas with all his family and its April!

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Fairenuff · 06/04/2013 22:57

He is stalling because, for once, you've taken him at his word. Tell him that it's great that he's going to seek help from the gp. But you still want to separate. If he won't leave (or fanny's about saying he doesn't have anywhere to go) you will need to see a solicitor and find out about making him leave.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/04/2013 07:37

What did I tell you about best behaviour? 'Depression' is a nice touch, and the amnesia is new one... full marks for creativity that man. Try not to sway, just keep reminding him to leave... over... and over... and over... again. Keep the pressure up.

Original poster

LadyApricot · 07/04/2013 09:17

I have now woken up to find a letter from him apologising and saying how he will be a good husband. I do feel sorry for him and guilty. I'm pretty bored with him though!
Yuk this is awful

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/04/2013 09:23

Of course you feel sorry and guilty... that's the whole point of pathetic letters promising change. The question only you can answer is whether you want to stay married to this man. If you think there's a point to it then still make him leave for a time because, right now, it's all a bit too pat and easy for him. A quick 'sorry', a few promises, a letter... and everything in the garden is rosy again? No. You've given him a fright, he thinks you might be serious this time, but you have to ram it home with some action or it'll go back to same old same old. All bullies revert to type if they can get away with it.

If you don't want to stay married then the same applies. Only difference is that him leaving is a permanent arrangement.

Original poster

LadyApricot · 07/04/2013 11:51

I have to thank you again for providing this support :D
He has just left. I explained to him again that I can't see him changing and he was distraught and crying as he left. Ds is crying and blaming me.
I guess a while away from us will prove if he wants to fight or carry on his lazy attitude to this.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/04/2013 12:59

I'm seriously impressed that you followed though but not even mildly surprised that he chose to turn on the waterworks. Sorry your DS is upset but a man that stays in bed all day etc was hardly a shining role model for him. Make a big fuss of DS... he'll quickly pick up that things are happier at home.

BTW I think you may expect quite a campaign now of 'I've changed' apologies and variations on the whole depressed/amnesia thing. As a lazy man he was onto a good thing making you run around after him and I don't think he'll give it up overnight. Stay strong.

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