I@ve not been on here properly for a long time. I need to use this board to sort my head out and will try not to drip feed.
My husband is a low-level transvestite (will refer to as XD from now on...). He is a depressive and uses it to help keep his depression at bay, it lifts his moods etc. I didn't know this when we got married. I am 19 years younger than him, was a virgin when we married, no sign of XD until after we were married. I went along with it, have never really enjoyed sex with him, never had mind-blowing sex etc... I probably shouldn't have married him, I was inexperienced. He does it at night (my eldest son has seen him in women's clothes, but not tights/high heels full monty... but skirst, tights, tops, etc) or first thing in the morning to lift his mood.
I'm not blaming him for my choices, mind you - just giving context.
Scroll forward 15 years, 3 kids, 11,6,5.
We have had many rows about XD, although I have no issue with men doing it, it is something I find unattractive in my partner. He knows this, has tried to stop but gets even more? Fucking lucky me depressed, so I've bitten the bullet and - I guess - given it my go ahead. I have tried to accept it, be happy with the marriage
I think I have just about had enough now. I told him at Xmas that I really couldn't sleep with him anymore and tried - as nicely as it is possible to say it - to say that the XD has just killed all desire for him in me. I dare say that there might not have been much. If I was a shit to marry him, well condemn me for it, there it is. I had no idea it was there and frankly, my opinion is that he was fucking selfish and manipulative to have not told me before we got married. (I may sound a bitch, but I've had 15 yrs of this, it build up, what can I tell you?)
Fast forward.... I thought we could live as friends. I do like him, he is a good man and a good father to our children. But he has gotten SO OLD recently, I know he is depressed with all the stuff about our marriage conversation - I don't blame him - but I find myself thinking 'I don't think I care anymore'. I have tried SO HARD to love him, be in love with him, desire him - and I just can't.
I'm having meltdowns inside. I burst into tears on a fairly regular basis, am holding it together for most people on the outside - I'm an extremely successful professional - I have told one friend who will never meet him - and my doctor today - when I cried so much that all sorts of shit came out of my nose / mascara flying everywhere - it wasn't a good look.
How do I know it's over? I just don't feel like I can take any more of this. I don't think that living with him is going to work, even if it means splitting up the childrens' home.
How do you know? It'll be hard financially, but I just think 'I think I'll be happier on my own'. Does this mean we're through?
The doctor asked me about counselling. I talked it thorugh with him and said that I don't know whether I want to - it will not restore any sexual desire for him within me, he can now XD or not XD - it makes no difference any more.
I think that's it. I just don't care any more.
Jesus, MNers - have any of you been here? How do I know it's over? I read that 'what was the last straw' thread - and I thought to myself... 'for me, it's been a long, slow death by a million cuts - and now it's here'.
ANy words of wisdom? I'm truly sorry this is so long, but I just sure could do with some advice.