dh lying over counselling?

[phoenix2]

long back round story. but basically myself and dh seperated last year due to his temper etc. after about ten months i allowed him to move back in. this was on the basis that he had gotten counselling for his temper and other shi*ty behaviour. so last summer for about 6 weeks he would call to see the children on a particular evening and then rush off to his counselling and it looked like he really was going. he even said it was very good etc.

so in nov he slipped up and roared at me over something small. i got really upset (as he was supposed to have dealt with his anger problems). so next day i got online and found who i was 99% sure was the counsellor he was going to and asked him if i could ask him about my dh. well guess what he never heard of my dh. was unsure of myself as i thought maybe i had gotten the wrong counsellor - but this is highly unlikely.

anyway, we patched things up again and xmas came around and we got on with things. and i guess i blanked out my suspicions that he had lied about going to the counselling. but last week i just couldnt stop thinking about it. so i said to dh the other nite that i would like to go for a few sessions with his counsellor and asked him for his number.

he said he didnt have his number, then he said he couldnt remember his name, then he said he didnt think i should go to counselling - that there was no need, then he said i should go back to my own counsellor, and finally after i kept pursuing it he said he didnt think it was appropriate for me to go to see his counsellor becuase he didnt like him or find him any good!!

am i mad to be in any doubt that he never went to see him at all. i didnt outright accuse him but i said i would find out his name myself and get an appointment - thought this might get him to admit it.

he was really upset (not angry) and said he really needs me to stand by him and that he loves me and our dc's and he will try harder and do more etc

i kind of feel sorry for him - its like he is not able to change fully even though he has come along way - i feel like he knows the game is up and i dont know how he will cope with that. he could get very upset or very angry but i feel he will be more despairing than angry as he knows he cant get away with that anymore

please advise. is this lie a deal breaker? and do ye think he is definately lying?

Yes I'd just say you have split up and not give any details this time. no ones business and you don't even have to have a reason.

Oh the bulk of my therapy money was spent on my family, not on the ex!

10 years of domestic abuse was a picnic in comparison to the shitstorm stirred up around the family.

They are thé reason we end up in abusive situations. Remember this!

It's always a bit mental for a while after you get them out, keep posting, keep thinking and it'll sort itself out a bit soon!

Interesting Hissy. I hate to do all the blame the parents bit but my mum is a complete nitemare wrapped up in this wanna be middle class nonsense. I was the youngest child and it was like she was kind of over rearing kids at that stage. at 16 onwards i used to rock in hammered and never once was it even mentioned. i used to go out drinking with my older siblings and it was like once i was with them she didnt have to take responsibility. I got preg at 19 and to this day SHE has never gotten over the shock and the shame. i broke up with my bf when dd was a year old and she was 4 when i met my H. i can honestly say he was the first guy that took a serious interest in my since i fell preg. he was like all my prayers were answered. it was like i could have brought home a suicide bommer as long as someone made me look respectable she didnt care.
on the other hand my sis is her golden child and even though she treats her like absolute sh*te my mum adores her.
so with absolutely no self esteem i fell head over heels for H. i persued him until i got him and then look what happened and my mum still blames me!!!!
soooooooooooooo..............i am currently seeing a counsellor who is a psychiatric nurse and works in the community and while she is lovely i can tell she hasnt a clue about the depths of my problems. she is free from the govt but can anyone tell me what is the best type of therapy that mite help. do i need a domestic abuse counsellor (which believe me are short on the ground where i live) a psychotherapist or who can help me work all this out. i feel more vulnerable now then i did when i was 19 believe it or not......

I would always recommend a person centre counsellor.I've had two lots over the last 15years and it was the best thing I ever did. I saw top phsyciatrists and had cpns but the person centred stuff worked like magic!!! look for some and start it as soon as you can. wher are you in the country I may be able to recommend? PM me if you would like.

A friend of mine ended up going bankrupt after getting out of an abusive marriage. It was a tough few months for her, but she got through it and is now happier than she has been for a long time.