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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mosschops needs support (again)

9 replies

Mosschops30 · 02/04/2013 23:48

Met with 'h' tonight, been separated 2 weeks now.

He's made no real effort during those weeks, came in tonight and said he's sure we can be nice to each other if we try Hmm
Despite it being me who instigated the split and not being happy he won't address any of those things.

He wants to split 50/50 amicably. I can have everything in the house and more maintenance. If I fight for the bigger share he will pay me less (he earns double my salary)

He left in tears over the dcs.
I feel awful, he's making me feel like it's all my fault and I'm the one who doesn't want to try

I need some MN proper talking too

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/04/2013 07:12

For a start, don't fall for any more of these cosy chats that leave you in tears. I don't know why the marriage broke down but he is not offering a reconciliation and you should stop holding out false hopes expecting him to 'address' your unhappiness any more. This man is not your friend and you must make the effort to detach from him 100%, keeping communications to bare facts about the DCs, preferably at an arms-length medium like e-mail.

Second, amicable splits are fine in theory because they cost less BUT you should agree nothing without legal advice because he is clearly trying to manipulate & coerce you into agreeing to a settlement that is in his favour rather than yours or the DCs. He's trying to blackmail you into agreeing at the moment by threatening to pay you less.... if you need to fight him, fight him

So take control of the situation. 'Fault' is the wrong word here. You have taken responsibility for your life & future which is excellent and entirely as it should be. You've taken the initiative which took courage so keep up the momentum, stop thinking you have to have a relationship with this man and get the divorce underway. The only area in which you have to 'try' now is getting him out of your life...

Numberlock · 03/04/2013 07:18

Are you still living in the same house?

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 03/04/2013 21:50

No he's living at his parents now.

I've asked him to sit down with me and go through the money again so we can both survive

OP posts:
Numberlock · 03/04/2013 23:18

Have you had legal advice? If not, see a solicitor before you meet with him.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 03/04/2013 23:43

I have yes. I could stay in this house and give him nothing for 15 years, but he would still pay me less, I'd still pay the same, and we'd have paid a solicitor £10k each to fight it out.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 04/04/2013 07:33

Well first of all, well done for getting this far! I remember you from your first thread and you've done the right thing and come a long way.

So you have two options I guess - stay in the house and buy him out or move out and rent somewhere. Do you earn similar salary wise and are you planning 50-50 split with regards to who has the children and when?

For what it's worth, when I divorced over ten years ago, my ex stayed in the marital home, I moved out and rented. Then when he gave me half of the equity in the house I bought a new place. We have our boys 50-50 and earn similar amounts so no need to pay maintenance on either side. And all this was agreed between us so no need for any legal childcare arrangements and minimal legal costs just to draw up the paperwork. However,I don't know anyone else who has achieved such an amicable and equal split.

Why would the solicitor costs be £20k??? Because he won't agree to anything and you'll have to contest him? I'd advise you to keep it out of court if at all possible.

onefewernow · 04/04/2013 07:48

One thing you may want to consider Mos is his longer term future re money . I am not convinced that short term generosity on the part of the cheater turns out well long term. For example, my EXH of 20 years ago paid out more for our one child for a few years, then less after his latest but serious new gf took issue with it. At the time, it would have cost more to contest the drop than it would have gained me over the remaining years, had I won.

Also whatever he says now, a new partner may have a child, which again affects things.

So I tend to favour getting more upfront and using the legal system just to run it by them and get the agreement in writing.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 04/04/2013 09:33

Neither of us has cheated so no 'cheaters'

I just don't want us both to lose 10k in legal costs, neither of us are entitled to any help.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/04/2013 10:13

£10k in legal costs may be small beer if you end up agreeing to something that is unfair. You don't have to push it through the courts, just get professional advice to make sure that you aren't conceding too much.

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