DH leaving me - please tell me it gets easier

[Easternightmare]

Having an absolute nightmare that I never ever expected to happen (naive me). Been together 15+ years - since University - and married for last two and two DC 2yrs and 10 weeks. Had to visit in laws today together and tell them we were separating. With a new baby. I am absolutely devastated and swinging from feeling ok, hysterical, sad, angry and desperate for him to love me again within minutes. My reliable lovely bloke partner who always loved me and would have done anything for me doesn't want me anymore ( I know that sounds pathetic) and. The worst part is the regret that I feel as I have been so so difficult to be with and really have not treated him well or respectfully, or with love, for the past few years. Conversely to many of the threads that I read here I have been so unreasonable and he has basically had enough. I have very much been 'in control' of the relationship and the decisions made and I know realise, through counselling and lots of talking that my criticism/nagging etc has destroyed his love for me. Either that and/or OW and /or mid life crisis and/or some sort of breakdown - I'm not too sure. I've avoided focusing on these possibilities as I felt they may be a way of absolving responsibility from me which isn't really fair on him although I do have my suspicions. This probably sounds jumbled, am sat with the baby, H in the spare room which absolutely kills me, feeling so so lonely and desperate. Please someone tell me is gets better as I am struggling to see right now that it does despite reading some pretty inspiring posts from other women.

Thank you all for the posts and advice. I will definitely start thinking through the legal and financial arrangements. He would like as close to 50/50 care as possible which in principle I am fine with and I think could work practically, I don't know what that means for money, maintenance etc. it feels like that is a long way off but my practical side says I should be trying to work all that out. I know that he won't do any of that stuff- will be too 'real' for him so it looks like that will be left to me, one of my usual roles in our relationship.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the prospect/likelihood of an OW although I hurts so much to think that a mainly because of being pregnant and having a new born etc. As one of you said he thinks he is a good person- and has been up until now- so if there is someone else that will devastate his sense of self.

I spent today with my Mum and visited my inlaws with her- they are all convinced he is depressed, are very upset etc etc. I've know I've got lots of support but I is just so so difficult, can't even drink to excess which would be my usual response as BF.

Thank you Pinkypig, am sorry you are experiencing this too. Assume you have small DC also? How are you getting through things? I think the comitment to 'marriage' that I feel adds to the sense of failure, not sure if that is an issue for you too. I completely get the reminiscing thing. I'm planning to write a list of horrible/ indifferent things he has recently said or done to remind me of how I may be happier in the long run and of how he has hurt me. Not sure if that's a good idea or not but may help when I am wearing my rise tinted specs. X

Eastern my kids are 6, 4, 2 and 10 months. The affair began when I was 3 months pg with our youngest. I am struggling especially as my now ex has yo-yo'd between me and the OW for the last 4 weeks since the affair became exposed. I have been a fool but no more. During the past 4 weeks he has swung between begging me to divorce him to trying to reconcile. What a head-f*ck! (I am divorcing him and have seen a family lawyer.)

We all thought my ex was depressed during the affair as he was moody, drank more than usual and was detached. But no, seems it was his affair and the double life with the OW causing the moodiness, snapping etc. I would never in a million years believed he could do this to me/our family.

I don't feel a sense of failure as I think my ex 'checked out', craving the newness and highs of a new affair after our marriage had become safe and, for him it seems, rather boring. In my view HE is the loser; he didn't work on the marriage and he sought an escape. So in my view HE failed.

I just feel overwhelming sadness and grief at what I feel could have been great. But at some point I recognise that I will see it could never have been great given his unrealistic expectations of marriage and family life. (He has accused me of failing to give him enough attention but was happy enough to keep getting me pg!!)

Good Luck, I hope you get the full story you need and that this process is bearable. Maybe like me with such young children, deep down you know you have to be focused, strong and behave with some dignity for their sakes, if not your own.
Hugs.

Bloody hell pinkypink just saw your other post re custody. Why is this all so shit. After having a crap day yesterday and feeling better today I've just tortured myself again by asking DH again and again why he is doing this, why he doesn't love me anymore etc, how he can leave a newborn baby. I don't know why I am doing it to myself. The answers never change, he just gets more resolute in his dislike of me. it not good for your self esteem! He has still not looked for accommodation, I don't want to push him because I don't want him to go and I don't want to ease his decision making process/ guilt and we have no money - literally. It will impact on me hugely financially, practically and emotionally but at the same time I need him to go to help me move on. Dignity is in short supply here, I'm struggling to hold on to it big time.

My XH walked out for the second and final time last year on Easter Monday, quoting all the same crap. Didn't feel the same any more, didn't want to be here any more. He had been pushing DD away and getting quite crabby with her, was on his mobile all the time.

I too went through all the questions, why, how, when. he just didn't want to discuss it further. He had decided it was over, had given me a massive list of the reasons why and that was it. Of course the fact that he was texting OW 100 times a day had nothing to do with it at all, obviously .

I threw my dignity out of the window. Went against all advice on here to detach as I was desperate to get my H back. He messed me around for a bit, while I ran myself ragged emotionally trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be.....

pinkpig - sorry to hear your story too.

Keep your dignity. Look after yourself and your baby. You owe this man nothing now. I tried to hope that my XH was going through a MLC, or having a breakdown, anything to explain his totally out of the blue decision...

so stay strong, put yourself and DC first and remember that this man is no longer your friend :(

Thank you skyeblue - all sounds familiar. It's so hard to not be friends when you want it to be good for the kids. When my parents separated what made it bearable for me was still doing family stuff together and everyone getting on - and I was a young adult not a toddler. I think I need to ask him to leave even though I am suspicious of where he will be going. I just feel so powerless - not good for a self confessed control freak. I keep seeing references it 'detaching' but don't actually know what to do and how to do it.

My XH suggested that we could do stuff together as a family in a few months time... but I said no way, you cant have the lovely family days out if you dont want the family.... no cake and eat it too!

I understand the powerless. i like to know what I am doing and when. My XH took all that control away from me too. Regarding detaching?! Not easy. I am still struggling 12 months later, but a lot of people do so much better than me....

detaching - do not text him, do not email him, do not reply to anything other than essential over child contact. make him leave the house. make him realise that life as he knew it is over and that it is his choice.

all very easy and clinical to write, but not easy to do!