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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I did something today I should have done years ago and now...

14 replies

FinallySayingItOutLoud · 02/04/2013 19:05

...I've set off a whole chain of events I didn't mean to.

When I was young, I was sexually abused by a friend of my Dad's. It's so easy to write this yet it was so hard to say it this morning.

I went to the GP for some trivial things, but the real reason was to ask for some counselling to try to start to deal with all this stuff that's taking up more and more head space as the years pass.

It's affecting my sexual relationship with the lovely DP, I'd be happy to never have sex ever again, and I didn't think this and what happened to me were related but they obviously are. DP doesn't know and I don't think I could ever tell him.

The GP was lovely but wasn't sure who best to refer me to, so she called me and gave me a number (that I haven't called yet) and because I told her this man has grandchildren and is in contact with kids she was obliged to tell SS.

I feel so selfish as I didn't go to help anyone else, I only did it for myself and now I feel so guilty. I never thought about those other children

SS called me and she was lovely too. I gave his name which took me ages to say, I don't think I've ever said it out loud. Took me ages.

Has anyone else done this? Been through and gone through counselling? Will she make me tell my DP or go to the police? Will SS get involved as now I have a child of my own?

Has anyone ever successfully prosecuted? I don't think I could do it, go over and over it, repeating all the horrible things he did but the GP and SW suggested it and the counsellor probably will too. I don't think anyone would believe I'm a victim as I'm such a confident happy person and would be the first to tell someone to back off or whatever. Why didn't I do it then?

Actually, I feel a but better writing it down, there isn't anyone I can talk to in RL about this. just yet

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 02/04/2013 19:38

I don't have any experience, but I just wanted to say well done for taking that step. I'm sure this has probably weighed on you, if even in your sub-conscious, for years. Hopefully the weight will start to lift.

AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 20:24

I have no advice for you, but wanted you to know I have read your post.

I am so sorry this happened to you, and that you are still feeling the effects so keenly.

I think you will feel better about having disclosed this when you look back on it although it feels absolutely huge right now. Please don't feel guilty, or panicky. Was there a liason officer of some sort assigned to you ? If not, please ask for one...these people are trained in how best to support you

Often at these times, the people closest to us are not able to do that in the most effective way

Take care, and keep posting x

McPheetStink · 02/04/2013 20:28

I think you are very brave.

It takes a lot of guts and courage to admit things out loud.

Keep talking, and I hope you get the help you deserve x

Shenanagins · 02/04/2013 20:38

I didn't want to read and run. You have been through a terrible ordeal and shouldn't beat yourself up about what you should or shouldn't have done.

there will be someone along soon who will be able to give you the help and advice you need.

Posterofapombear · 02/04/2013 20:45

You are very brave. Now it's out in the open you can start what will no doubt be a long journey towards healing.

Hopefully someone wise will be along in a minute but until then

Verbalpunchbag · 02/04/2013 20:54

You've nothing to feel guilty about, yes there have been successful prosecutions for historical abuse and yes you will be believed.

lazarusb · 02/04/2013 20:57

Please don't feel guilty about other children. You are not at fault, not now, not then. If he has done this to someone else that is his responsibility and his alone. You have been incredibly brave today. I hope you get the support you deserve.

SavoyCabbage · 02/04/2013 21:05

Your bravery has made me cry a little bit, and I'm a tough Geordie! I think you have done amazingly well.

I once reported something to SS and it was like jumping off a cliff as I felt as if I had no idea what was going to happen. The process was so alien to me.

My best friend has recently reported her abuser. He abused her as a child and she is 43 now and the abuser is dead. Her doctor advised her to go to the police so that she could be heard and believed and she had never talked about it very much at all until then. The police said to her that they would cross reference it against other reports to see if his name came up and she felt guilty because that had never crossed her mind. She feels guilty about a lot of things that are not her fault and that she has no control over, probably as a result of the abuse.

ThisIsMummyPig · 02/04/2013 21:08

I know that you feel guilty about him not being allowed to see his grandchildren now, but imagine how you would feel if years later you realised he had abused them too.

You have been brave. I hope you get lots of support now.

ThisIsMummyPig · 02/04/2013 21:10

Sorry read your post again, and realised I got it wrong. You are still a very, very brave person though.

PacificDogwood · 02/04/2013 21:11

You brave, brave woman - that cannot have been an easy step to take.

Do not feel any guilt.
It was nothing you did that led to the abuse and nothing you are doing now will cause anything to happen. What he did all those years ago is what set the wheel in motion - you are trying to stop it.

I really hope you will get the help you are looking for and will not just survive your abuve, but live life to the absolute full.

HerrenaHarridan · 02/04/2013 21:22

Well done!

Yes I have been in a similar position.

No they won't / can't make you prosecute or tell dp (but I think you should, personally I can't be intimate with someone until they know anymore)

Ss will go round and look for warning signs. You are very likely rescuing them from a very vile pervert.

That does NOT in any way mean it was your responsibility if anything has happened to them, it is his and his alone.

I also (now) appear to be happy, confident and strong and absolutely no one would believe me if I told them to whole sordid story. Sometimes I don't believe it anymore it feels like it happened to someone else in a parallel universe

The happy confident thing is a mask I have gradually grown into

A couple more things I must add.

You must never, never blame yourself for what happened or for hiding it.

All shame and guilt belong to the abuser

When these kind of experiences are out first sexual encounters it can really mess up the natural development of your sexuality. It can be normal for there to be elements of that first experience that weave into you sexuality, for instance it is astoundingly common for rape victims to have rape fantasies and that does not mean that you in any way asked for it or brought in on yourself or enjoyed it unduly etc.

Sorry if I've rambled a bit but my heart goes out to you, I have spent my entire life dealing with this and am only now starting to really move forward into a life that is not governed by these experiences.

If you want a one on one chat feel free to pm me.

For real life support, please consider taking to your dp, he needs to understand

HerrenaHarridan · 02/04/2013 21:31

Just reread your message.

This is impacting on a happy relationship and your dp will be imagining all sorts of reasons why sex is a problem.

Sex can be beautiful and wonderful, your dp will be desperate to understand how to help heal your crippled sexuality, please show him this thread, once he knows it will be easier to say words.

Once he knows he can modify his approach with you to avoid that freezing up (sometimes part way through, just as you were starting to enjoy)

I can give you lots of advice on learning to love sex after abuse, but it's a journey you take with a loving understanding partner.

strongerandstronger · 02/04/2013 21:44

I was also sexually abused as a child by different people that were friends of my farther. The first time I was abused I was about 3 years old but the worst was when I was about 5 years old. I remember how horrible I felt, how confused and shameful he made me feel. I felt like clawing at my face. He was a very close friend of my farther's and a very respected person in his community. The abuse changed my whole life as I became a confused angry person. 22 years later i am now thankfully on my way to a full recovery. I started with counselling through my doctors. This helped me to talk about what happened and to actually say it out loud. Which I think is the first step.

After the counselling I felt I could talk about it and most important I knew that it wasn't my fault. I felt angry at myself for not trying to stop it but what I realise now is that I was a child. I was taught that you listened to adults and did as you was told otherwise there were consequences.

Anyway, I recently have had some involvement with SS and have disclosed to them what happened when I was a child. They suggested maybe speaking to the police or victim support as it may be the missing part of a jigsaw for them or it may stop more abuse on others. This made me feel guilty and also brought back a memory that had been suppressed from the time of the abuse. At the time the abuser's daughter disclosed to me that he had also done it to her. The only thing is because of my age at the time, I can't remember the mans name or the exact building it happened in. There is no way of getting this info so I don't know if anything could be done.

I am at the stage now were I am on a waiting list for cognitive behaviour therapy and hopefully this will sort me out once and for all so that I can get on with my life and so that my mind can finally rest. I think I will report what happened but when I feel the time is right for me.

I think you are extremely brave for taking the steps you have. i cant really answer your other questions but i thought i would share this short version of my story and I hope it helps in some way.

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