Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

What would u think if your DH told you..

24 replies

Bizkit · 02/04/2013 16:12

I've been itching to ask this even though it was something that happened about 8yrs ago but circumstances have led me to re-question.
So I used to work evenings and DP looked after DS, I came home one day and found one of those hygiene strips you find in new underwear/swimwear etc on the bathroom floor,when I questioned DP he reeled off this story that he was having a wank and couldn't get aroused so got a swimming costume that was hung in my wardrobe and the feel of the material aroused him, I did have a costume in the wardrobe but couldn't remember if it still had the strip in so left it at that, found a small tub of glitter down the back of the sofa within the same year which he couldn't explain. Well said it was probably his mums or something, I highly doubt that, I've never seen her wear glitter on her eyes or anything
Thoughts? Just intrigued, subsequent events has proven he can lie to me, but this is niggling at me now.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/04/2013 16:13

There was another woman in your house.

lockets · 02/04/2013 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TSSDNCOP · 02/04/2013 16:15

Does he favour the name Roxanne?

PaddingtonBearsDuffleCoat · 02/04/2013 16:17

I think he might have been having a go at cross-dressing too. I think if it had been another woman he would have been more careful to erase all traces and what woman carries a tub of glitter about on her person when having a rendezvous with a man in his house? Well, maybe an escort but they don't tend to visit at home do they?

Blu · 02/04/2013 16:19

Could the tub of glitter have fallen out of a friend's bag when she was visiting and sitting on your sofa?

The swimmimg costume explanation sounds very convoluted.

Cross-dressing occurred to me, too.

What circumstances led you to re-question? And what else has he lied about?

Original poster

Bizkit · 02/04/2013 16:53

Blimey that was quick!
I had never considered cross dressing, I can't see that really, he has mucked about with my clothes before in a jokey way but hmm I dunno.
Other events are about a year before that he left me a fews months after our son was born, conveniently got with a girl who had been lingering about in the picture a few weeks later, then came back to me almost straight away, but wouldn't leave her, eventually she left him.
Acted very shifty during my 2nd pregnancy still don't really know what he was up to
And most recently after a trial separation he got into another relationship within a week and lied about it for 4months, whilst coming back to me, so alot of lies, I know I don't want to be with him anymore, and have posted previous threads, but it's proving very difficult to get out of the relationship, just wanted some views on that thing as I brushed it off before but now knowing the extent he can lie just makes me wonder if he was cheating then, there wasnt any girls names or weird phone calls I can recall as there have been on the other occasions.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 16:55

I would think that if I had so little trust in my husband that my marriage was over in all but name.

Charbon · 02/04/2013 17:09

I would think that he brought another woman to your house to have sex, she bought new knickers for the occasion and left a calling card where you could find it. How revealing that he was either too lazy or too manipulative to tidy it up.

I hope it's not difficult to get out of the relationship because you feel you need to get more proof. None is needed if you are unhappy. That is reason enough.

SarahGoodwin33 · 02/04/2013 17:12

Whilst it probably isn't what you want to hear, that has all the signs of cross dressing. I am a transsexual which whilst different to a cross dresser (aka transvestite) I can relate to the feelings and desires of a CD.
It may only be to the extent of wearing something that is smooth and shiny (swimsuit) or it may be that he also likes dressing in undies etc.
the classic signs that he is taking the dressing further are things like;
nails - does he grow them long and are they well kept
eyebrows - does it look like they are plucked and/or very neat
If the glitter is in fact his it may mean he is going the whole way with make up etc.
If you can find the strength to I would sit down and talk about it. Depending on the individuals it doesn't have to be the death of a relationship, in fact it can sometimes be a catalyst that helps bring people together

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/04/2013 17:20

Other events are about a year before that he left me a fews months after our son was born, conveniently got with a girl who had been lingering about in the picture a few weeks later, then came back to me almost straight away, but wouldn't leave her, eventually she left him.
Acted very shifty during my 2nd pregnancy still don't really know what he was up to
And most recently after a trial separation he got into another relationship within a week and lied about it for 4months,

This is what is making me think it was OW who left these items...

Pollaidh · 02/04/2013 17:25

My first thought was cross-dressing too, although I know little about it. Although I find glitter around the place from my little girl.

HotCrossPun · 02/04/2013 17:33

It all sounds very strange.

Was it a new swimming costume in your wardrobe? Presumably if you have ever worn it you would have removed the sanitary strip.

What do you mean when you say that he has 'mucked about' with your clothes in a jokey way?

GreatUncleEddie · 02/04/2013 17:35

You only usually get those strips on swimwear though, not usually knickers

candyandyoga · 02/04/2013 17:36

I think you need to face up to the fact you are with a cheater and a liar through and through.

Blu · 02/04/2013 17:40

If you know, really know, that you don't want to be with him anymore, whatever the answers to these mysteries might be, then focus on that, look towards a life without him, and don't waste emotional energy dwelling on all this. If you really want out, you don't need justifications or evidence or reasons.

Doinmummy · 02/04/2013 17:41

It all sounds fishy to me, sorry. IME men don't need to be artificially aroused to have a wank. They wank because they feel aroused, if you get my drift. I don't think knickers have a sanitary strip , do they? (Perhaps I don't buy posh Knicks) so they swimming costume thing could be true. The fact that you say he has behaved shiftily before and you are doubting him again would indicate to me that he is up to something. Why is it proving hard to get out of the relationship? Do you need a reason?

Original poster

Bizkit · 02/04/2013 17:42

With the cross dressing thing, this was about 8 years ago and I've not noticed anything since, and no he doesn't pluck eyebrows etc.
The hygienic strip on its own may be believable if a swimsuit is what it took to get him aroused but teamed with the glitter pot, makes it more questionable. It was like a glittery eyeshadow thing from Barry m, I'd never seen anything like it defo not mine and I never had any friends round in the time we lived there, the only other thing could be a girlfriend of one of his friends maybe but I don't recall any of his friends having girlfriends really,plus he never gave that as a possible explanation, I know the other stuff he has done it enough to distrust him anyway but this just bugs me as if he was cheating I have no clue who it was, and I was interested in what others may have thought if they were in a similar situation.
He will not accept the relationship is over and tells me I'm making the wrong choice etc, he refuses to leave so we are stuck in limbo at the moment

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 18:05

It's not up to him to say the relationship isn't over

Either one of a partnership can end it, and there isn't a damn thing the other can do

It may take some time until you are not living under the same roof, however. Have you taken any steps to make that happen ? Or are you too hamstrung by his lies and manipulations, still looking for an "answer" ?

The only "answer" you need is that you don't want to be with him. The rest is practicalities that can be sorted

Charbon · 02/04/2013 18:15

I think the problem is that you haven't accepted the relationship is over if you're still wondering about previous incidents that given his form, evidently point to infidelity.

This is what I think you need to work on most. Him not accepting it is not the issue.

cronullansw · 02/04/2013 18:56

Erm...........

Apparently this started in 2005. Sheesh, I can't remember which country I was living in back then.

And Doinmummy, shouldn't it have been 'people wank because.....' and not been so gender specific?

LittleDirewolfBitJoffrey · 02/04/2013 20:00

Cross dressing, would be my guess.

badinage · 02/04/2013 21:35

Cross-dressing my arse...

With his record for seeing other women while in a relationship with the OP?

Why can't you leave yourself if you really want this relationship to be over?

Forget all this angst about what he did years ago. Accept that he is never ever going to be faithful and that you need to get away from this relationship however you achieve it.

AgathaF · 03/04/2013 08:03

You have decided your relationship is over. He refuses to move out. Have you taken legal advice? Is your house rented or mortgage? Do you have a plan?

This limbo cannot be nice.

Original poster

Bizkit · 03/04/2013 19:48

There isn't much I can do, my only option is to seek advice from the citizens advice bureau but whether they can help I dunno yet. We privately rent on a joint tenancy, he has no money, the rent is being paid by my part time wages topped up by housing benefit, I cannot afford to move as the rents are to high here, I would like to move to a cheaper area but I don't see how as I need my job which I could not commute to. It's all fucked basically.
We've argued alot about the relationship and I've told him I don't want to be with him but he does wear me down, and sometimes I just give in and tell him I suppose I'll have to stay with you then, due to kids, money etc, yes it's very depressing, on the other hand he does everything for me, sometimes can go overboard actually, but I just cannot love him anymore the amount of deceit is too much to get over, I wish I could be a stronger person

OP posts:

Flip