Is there a tendency on MN, in Relationships in particular, to assume the absolute worst scenario?

[Fluxedo]

i.e. that the DP is having an affair, or being abusive? I don't mean from all posters, but there almost always seems to be a suggestion at some point that an affair is being had or abuse is taking place.

Feel free to flame me if I'm wrong! Maybe it doesn't matter too much if some posters do always assume the worst, but I wonder if it doesn't make some OPs unnecessarily paranoid and lead to further problems in the relationship.

Thing is, Morris, nobody (except a few crackpots more often found on AIBU than here) would move rapidly to LTB on the basis of what you said there.

It's fairly usual, for eg, that an OP says something like "It's just a niggle, really, but he never puts things away!" Respondents would be likely to investigate what you actually mean by that, and whether there's an overall power imbalance in your household. The feedback from there would be very different for each possible scenario.

There's a current thread, where OP wondered if she should suspect her fiancé of cheating and the consensus is "No"! So that disproves the often-aired theory about this board

Flux, thanks for reading your replies and answering reasonably!

The problem with abuse being that it can often only be recognised as such, as part of a series of behaviours. So often it goes unrecognised

^ This, sadly. It is the reason Mumsnetters probe the comment rather than offer a simple "Oooh, I know^! Never mind, eh?" Abuse targets get this all the time, leaving them pressured to make a joke of something that's literally making them ill.

"It's just a niggle, really, but he never puts things away!"

Replying to my own post here I can think of at least two past threads, where this turned out to mean OP was living with a lunatic controlling hoarder! So, yeah, it's always worth asking ... I do in real life, now, too.

I do think you can here.
If your boundaries and your marriage is normal, it will still come out as normal.

If you are looking for suggestions on how to, say, get him to do more work at home, you will get them, without a LTB (ok, maybe a jokey one).

Welove - go for it! Test the theory :)

I sort of did, a while ago.
My concern was mostly dismissed.
There you go. :)

If your boundaries and your marriage is normal, it will still come out as normal.

Lueji I think that's almost certainly true, when the OP is giving the full story.

This is very interesting!

I'd like to test the theory, when I've thought of a suitable annoyance/problem to put to the MN jury. But atm I can only think of things where I have been unreasonable or bad to DP, not the other way around

Maybe normal is the wrong word. Healthy, perhaps? As long as one partner isn't wielding too much power over the other and both bring happiness rather than stress to each others' lives, then it's healthy.

Op,

I think assumptions are common here. Also lack of not reading what the posters want. As in, they are saying help me I want to make this work and some people trample over that with a 'why would you he's clearly EA'. Whilst encouraging someone to reflect on things is helpful I'd challenge how helpful it is to just tell someone they are wrong.

Also, people seem to either project their own difficult experiences onto others and use that as proof that the posters situation is the same and quick, leave him now, or, assume that we all need to leave people who have ever behaved abusively because nothing will ever change. True in some cases, not in all. Difference between abusive behaviour and an abuser. Ive shouted once. Thats abuse. Im sure most could admit to unhealthy behaviours.

I think its great that when people describe awful situations people are very supportive for them and offer guidance. I feel this is a shame when other threads are turned into this.

I am quite often surprised that the "worst case scenario" is actually the true scenario e.g. weird text message, or "off" behaviour = OW.

I think its great that when people describe awful situations people are very supportive for them and offer guidance. I feel this is a shame when other threads are turned into this.

Delia, the main difference between your approach and mine is the definition of "awful". You have advised understanding, more talking, creating a calm atmosphere, etc, in situations I would consider - after reading the OP's posts - either irredeemable or not worth the trouble of attempted redemption. I don't believe in taking shit for the sake of a quiet life. It's damaging.

people seem to either project their own difficult experiences onto others and use that as proof that the posters situation is the same and quick, leave him now

New posters to this board often think that, but you don't appear to be new. Have you still not learned the difference between projection and learning from experience?

Should there be any remaining doubt, I believe everyone should feel
? respected in their relationship
? loved and admired for who they are
? properly seen and heard
? cared for, supported and safe
? full of possibilities
? sexually desired

If some of the above go missing, one hopes the couple have enough of the others to support a joint repair project. If any of the above are being actively damaged or withheld, I reckon you allow one chance and one chance only to put it right. Life's too short and too precious to waste on people who reduce you.

Yep, Lori, the most probable solution is not always the most obvious!

It seems to me that what posters generally do is ask questions when someone posts about a specific upsetting incident or trait. Eg 'He always leaves the loo seat up and I hate it' - Have you asked him to put the loo seat down? What was his reaction? And if the reaction turns out to have been 'Fuck off you stupid cow, I pay for everything in this house so it's my loo seat, now stop talking about it or I'll strangle you' then there's obviously a problem. Or if a poster asks: does he do anything else annoying and if not, is this really worth getting annoyed about, then the OP might say no, it's just one little niggle and he's great about everything else or that he also leaves his coffee cups all over the house, won't put the bins out without sighing and moaning, goes to the pub three nights a week but sulks if the OP wants to meet a friend for coffee once a month...

I hear that a revamp of the boards is in the wings.

Why not rename the current Relationships board, Do you wonder if you're being abused or cheated on?

Then posters can relax knowing that all the really desperate posters are somewhere else. I know its not a catchy title but perhaps there could be an anagram or something.

My parents were pastors and I was completely used to our kitchen table having a crying woman at it while the low tones of my dad and the other guy drifted out from the study. Sometimes that was it for the marriage in question. But far more often, remarkably so, if your outlook is to be believed, the situation resolved. Not perfectly, perhaps but good enough for the couple to be happy in (perfection isn't required for that, after all).

Also, garlicballs: I love your list. All those things would be super to have in a relationship - and correspondingly, it would be awful to have to do without them. I do have a genuine question: Most people I know have at some time or other, been going through too much/too damaged/too poor/too sick/too stressed to tick all, or even most, of the boxes. In fact, people being what they are a lot of the time - hurting and sometimes desperate - I can think of many occasions when a partner has actively damaged or withheld something on the list. Of course it shouldn't have happened but it does. There we differ - you would say 'get rid' and I would say 'This person may well be growing. Or about to grow. There is a lot more going on beneath the surface. If it was happening to me, I would agree that DH needed to get with the programme, certainly, but I would rather he did that with me as the parent of my children, than learnt all his lessons with me and went on to have a much happier second family.

As children tend to be what happens when a couple set up a home together, what are the logistical and ethical implications for a culture in which relationships may break up and make up quite frequently? (The word 'frequently' is an assumption that most of us would struggle to reach the bar as you have outlined it.

Think the idea of Relationships Lite is a good one. Likewise "Do you wonder if you're being abused or cheated on?" for the current board.

It would be great to be able to discuss relationships more rationally on Relationships Lite.

I don't think it's a fair assumption, Starfield. The bar isn't high - most happy, balanced couples do have that.

Happy, balanced people don't actively hurt their partners, even when they're stressed, ill or whatever. If you attack your partner's wellbeing and their honest communication with you doesn't prevent a recurrence, there is something badly wrong and your partner shouldn't be encouraged to hang about getting repeatedly hurt.

Obviously nothing in life is cut & dried; it can be hard to tell whether part of your relationship has 'gone missing' or been injured. As SGB says, posters here ask further questions to help establish the nature of the issue.

I have all those things on garlic's list with DP, but we still snap and sulk and get cross with each other, and need to get away from each other a bit sometimes. We shouldn't confuse having those things with having some mythical "perfect" relationship.

But he doesn't make me unhappy, not even when we are at our most stressed, or our most ill. He is a source of strength and happiness. For a lot of people on the Relationships board, unhappiness caused by their partner has become their default world without their even realizing it. What is the point of living like that, really? If a person doesn't instinctively realize that calling their wife/partner names every day, sneering at them and running down everything they do is going to cause them unhappiness, then what power on earth is going to make them realize it - and realize all the other things that go with it? If that's personal growth, I wouldn't want it happening anywhere near me.

I also frequently see posters advising an OP to give their partner an ultimatum of some kind (where there isn't abuse) - shape up or we're finished. So it's not like the LTB is totally automatic.