Online dating....not exactly a confidence booster!

[VenusStarr]

So after being single for 3 years and edging ever closer to 30, with all my friends settled down, having babies, I decided to dip my toe in the online dating water.

I signed up to Guardian Soulmates. I'm not subscribed yet, just browsing at the mo. my sister and her partner helped me with my profile (good to get a male perspective, no?) Now I know I'm impatient as its only been up a day, but out of 23 views, one person likes me. He seems ok, over my ideal age, bit more orange than I'd like...

Feeling a bit deflated. So, is it because I've picked the wrong site, I'm too fussy (I am), I've not sold myself well (i thought it sounded ok), i stated a preference that potential datee does not hate cats (i don't rxpect them to love them!) or is it because I am an inherently unattractive potential partner and am destined to be single forever?

The successful woman thing is something I have come up against time and again. I've lost count of the number of men who said whether in their profiles, in the course of conversation, or both that they were looking for intelligent, career women - but when actually confronted with one like me, who has a professional career, outearns them and lives in a house they could never afford, they just can't deal with it. Especially when they find out I'm not dependent on maintenance from my Ex either (he doesn't pay me a penny, that's another story). Now please don't misunderstand, I'm not living some Footballers Wives lifestyle, but all men I've met in YEARS of OD (with one exception) have a massive hangup about it. 2 men in particular who moaned to me they never met women clever/successful enough for them, both are now dating women doing minimum wage jobs - obviously that doesn't negate them being clever, but it suggests it's less likely.

I don't want a man who's intimidated by me (who would?!), but it seems impossible to find one (either in OD or RL) who isn't!

I don't think your experience with GSM is unusual, OP, I never got anywhere with it - I think I managed 2 likes in as many months. I never paid to sign up as it hardly seemed worth it, similar experience with MySingleFriend. On POF I only used to attract builder types who were looking for a ONS, or else blokes who were just put off by my intelligence.

It can all seem like a lot of effort for not much return I'm afraid!

VelvetSpoon I don't quite get the anti-successful woman thing either. Because almost every female doctor, dentist and solicitor I know (and I know a lot and was in a class with some of them) has been in a serious relationship/married for a while. Same with successful sportswomen.

2 men in particular who moaned to me they never met women clever/successful enough for them, both are now dating women doing minimum wage jobs - obviously that doesn't negate them being clever, but it suggests it's less likely

Most people are programmed to be attracted to people similar to themselves surely, in age, education level, aspirations, etc.. My guess is that its the same old story of the men that are left not having much choice/ability to get women, and then getting familiar with that demographic.

velvetspoon I'm curious about where you live. I've never encountered any barriers to being strong/independent/intelligent from anyone on GSM (I'm in London)

Stick with it! I met my DP on POF. He was the 2nd online date I had. We started "talking" on a Saturday, first date on the Monday. We've now been together 15 months and 4 months ago we bought a house together. He loves and adores my toddler in a way I never imagined could happen by a step-parent. On our first date it transpired I went to sixth form with his cousin and our aunties worked for the same company!

There are some good eggs out there!

Hi just wanted to say give it time! Similar to you I joined a site (subscription) after all my friends had settled down and I was STILL single! I'd been on the site for 6 months, had a few dates but nothing had clicked. Just about to give up when I met up with a friend and her husband who I hadn't seen for ages. I was so envious of their relationship and happiness that I thought I'd give it one more go. And there he was!! I've been with DH for nearly 7 years now, married for 4. We have one DC and just TTC no. 2!!

Coffee1sugar, thing is for every person like you who meets someone within a couple of dates (and that's great - its always lovely to hear success stories!), there is also someone like me who has no luck with it for years. It can work, but it can also be a long confidence-sapping hard slog.

Cleo I am in the London suburbs. I don't know specifically what put men off me on GSM, because I only got 2 likes in the time I was on there, but my general experience in OD and real life is that men (even those who are professionals themselves) are intimidated by successful women. As a friend of mine put it, no man wants to date a woman living in a more expensive property than him/driving a better car than him (latter doesn't apply to me as I don't have a car, but ime the former is certainly true). Possibly age/ children are factors too.

alittlestranger 3 of the guys I have liked on GSM have turned up on POF, so I'm not quite sure what you mean by type? I read the guardian, I like it, I just thought that perhaps I might meet someone who also liked the same. There's actually some nice guys I'm chatting to on POF, whether anything will come of it, who knows.

oneipopicantstop and coffee1sugar congratulations both :) I know it does work. It's still very early days, I'm not put off yet! :)

velvetspoon sorry to hear you've had similar experiences.I don't know what the answer is, but it must be frustrating to have guys be intimidated by you. Are you still on any sites?

Venus I'm glad you've not been put off :) It's early days, it takes years to become as cynical about it as me!

I'm sort of seeing someone at the moment, I've given up on all the sites and if it doesn't go anywhere with him I'm going to take my chances in real life for a bit and see what happens.

Good luck to you though :)

velvet I have a bit longer to go then

Good luck :)

Im pretty cynical and am throwing in the towel after about 3 years. My experience is quite similar to velvetspoons.

I had a date a few days ago where he turned up drunk, looked nothing like his picture, and then had assumed i was into pervse sexual practises because he knew i was friends with someone into that scene. It was not a fun date.

I was meant to have two dates on saturday, one ive now cancelled as ive not spoken to him for about 5 days. I sent him a message yesterday, he replied, i replied and then ive not heard anything back, so am not going to waste my time.

The other, after answering ( and then clearing) some sexual okcupid questions he had answered, i find out hes into all sorts and it suddenly made sense why he said he couldnt get people to actually meet him.

I have had enough of weirdos, freaks, sex obsessed men who do not actually want a relationship. Many i have had dates with are still on the same sites ( still with the same pictures up) . Im a normal woman, im attractive, im interesting and fun, i work, im not quite sure what some of these men are actually looking for.........

oh and the charming man from okcupid, has explained it as being that women are looking for friends, men are looking for fucks, so can say what they want.
so glad i didnt waste my actual time going on a date with him.

And thats a perfect example of how you can spend years dating and not get anywhere.

parralleluniverse :( I'm sorry you've had such a horrible experience. I don't blame you for not continuing, you've come across some horrible weirdos! I'm not surprised you feel cynical about the process.

I've always been put off online dating as its open to temptation. So for example you might meet someone nice, have a few dates but still be getting emails about potentials, so the temptation to see if there's someone better is always there. That of course can happen in real life, that you're tempted by someone else, but with online dating, it's there in your inbox. Just general musing, but that's what bothered me about it and probably why I've only just signed up now. It's not a replacement for meeting people in real life though, I'm still going to carry on as normal. I am usually quite cynical, it's too early days for me to write it off just yet I think.

Oops, put am extra 'el' in your name sorry! :)

I am not sure if some of you on here have either just been spectacularly unlucky with online dating or you have woeful judgment in the men you have decided to go on dates with.

unlucky.

The dates ive been on are the ones that havent shown red flags up to that point. For example, mr ' men are looking for fucks' i cancelled on last week, it was rearranged for this week, for tomorrow in fact. Up until now, no red flag, then he dropped that little gem, and now ive cancelled. had i have not either cancelled the first time, nor chatted to him so much,i would have gone on the date non the wiser, and then it would have been yet another crap date.

Venus, aw, dont feel bad, it can and does happen to lots of us. I try to do rl too, its far harder than you think. but good luck.

Ive just joined match, for the nth time, and come off the free sites. From experience, i know it makes not a jot of difference, but i cant be doing with the deluge of rubbish from the free ones.

Unlucky here too.

Possibly also some poor judgment, but not in the sense of choosing dodgy men over good ones, more like that the only interest was from the possibly dodgy ones - and when you have been OD for a while, you get to the stage of thinking you just need to go on some dates, and hope to be pleasantly surprised. I don't miss it in the slightest. Always amazes me when people say they OD as fun, I never found it fun. Good dates always ended in disappointment when they either revealed a load of red flags, or didn't want to see me again, and bad dates were just depressing and left me feeling flat!