Never getting married...how do I get over the upset?

[WeddingUpset]

My 'D'P has basically announced we will never be married. On paper the reasoning is sound (it's a big expense that could be put to other things), but it still makes me feel desperately sad.

How do I get over these feelings? I'm currently sat here quietly sobbing, I just need advice on how to stop feeling this way

[motherinferior]

'Sorry but without getting into the details of everyone's individual situations, it is possible to actually be against marriage per se, and it's not just because you "haven't met the person you want to marry", are looking elsewhere, need to "grow up", etc''

Yes, exactly. I'm sorry for your situation, OP, but I have to say that if my partner threatened me with marriage or walking, I would yes probably marry him but resent him quite madly for forcing my hand.

[FucktidiaBollockberry]

But mi, this bloke isn't idealogically against marriage.

He just doesn't wnat to marry the OP.

I think that's very different from being generally anti-marriage

[scottishmummy]

im completely getting it she housewife and the dp doesn't want to marry her
one cannot compel him to marry her.so in all likelihood they remain together unmarried. good option if they are a solid and loving family
op say he a good dad,gives her adequate monies.id still advise she get work,study toward less dependency

her desire to marry doesn't trump his desire not to marry her, and frankly why compel or coerce.
id advise op
at bigger picture,if they happy,if kids happy then remain unmarried
but make nok provision with GP,make wills, change insurance policies. check out work related benefit for named partner (my work allow to nominate unmarried significant other)

her financial precarious position stems form being housewife, id suggest address that. earn some money,get own pension

it may surprise some of you,but not all adult women want their day or a frou-frou dress to get affirmation or play at being princess. I dont need affirmation form marriage to confirm i am in a stable long term relationship. If one wishes to marry, great.love is indeed a wonderful thing in all its manifestations

but dont get all you is well jel about people choosing not to marry.or youll end up sounding like the woo hoo engagement thread who brayed that anyone not engaged was wel jel or just not been asked

i have met the right man
im not secretly dying to be asked
im not financially dependent housewife

[AnnieLobeseder]

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected - "scottishmummy
You're just not getting it.
Perhaps one day when you meet the right person you will."

^^This has to be one of the most condescending things I've ever read on MN! Not every women is waiting for her knight in shining armour to marry her and make her into a real woman.

Some people, as much as they love their partner, DO NOT want to get married, for a variety of reasons.

It has nothing to do with "meeting the right person".

[scottishmummy]

clearly thinks i is well jel and not had my day,and if only i met the right man

[eccentrica]

commeuneimage You wrote: "There was mention of there not being a tax issue if an unmarried couple owned their property jointly and one of them died. That is not correct - there could be inheritance tax to pay if the property is worth over £650,000. The surviving partner does inherit the house, but the half-share he or she receives is only exempt from inheritance tax if they are married (or in a civil partnership). Sorry if this is pedantic, but it's an important point which a lot of people don't appreciate."

That is not correct.

I just bought a property with my partner (worth less than £650k but that is not relevant to this point). We went through this in great detail with the solicitor.

You are talking about a situation where each partner owns half of the property. The other then inherits their half and therefore is liable to inheritance tax.

The way we have bought is that each of us owns the entire property.

So there is no 'his half' and 'my half' to inherit. I already own the entire propety, so does he, so neither of us will be liable to pay inheritance tax even if it was worth more than 650k.

[noddyholder]

says more about them than you scottish Tragic if you really think this is jealousy or wishful thinking. My dp asked me years ago becasue he thought it was the next step I think he was relieved tbh when I said no and explained why. R5 did a phone in once and lots of men rang in saying they had been co erced

[eccentrica]

AnnieLobeseder Totally agree, that was probably the most condescending and wrong comment I've ever read on here.

Yes of course, every woman is just waiting for the perfect man to come along, so she can post facebook pictures of her ring and get angry about people plagiarising her 'grey and cherry blossom' colour scheme

[scottishmummy]

the man has no power of the op.choosing not to marry isnt exerting power,its preference
as much as op has right to have marital preference,he equally as right to not want marriage
the imbalance is the finances,that she is wholly financially dependent,she can do something about that.redress the power imbalance

we have emancipation, we can work, you don't need a man marrying you to make you secure,you can do that all by yourself

[zwischenzug]

Tell him that men like him are putting divorce lawyers out of a job.

[FucktidiaBollockberry]

He's not someone who doesn't want to marry though.

Just not the OP.

I'm slightly mystified why people seem to be wilfully ignoring that.

I'm not a flag-waver for marriage - never done it, never will. But I think you can separate a political analysis of it from individuals' motivations in either doing it or not doing it.

[ExpatAl]

Yes I can't understand why people aren't noticing that he just doesn't want to marry HER. This is very hurtful and the OP is right to be upset. It's not pathetic or foolish. Marriage is an agreement to be a team and work towards the same goal together. I'm not saying it's the holy grail or necessary but it is an institution that matters to a great deal of people, including me. I take it seriously.

My answer to the OP's question of how to deal with the hurt is that she can't. I suspect that she recognises the prevariacation but doesn't know what to do with the knowledge. If he's as great as she says he is why won't he marry?

Scottish mummy, you doth protest too much. If you didn't care you wouldn't feel the need to bang on about it endlessly and for your information I didn't wear a froufrou dress, the proposal was genuine and perfect and our wedding was a brilliant day.

[scottishmummy]

No.having a different pov doesn't mean im secretly wanting to be a bride
Applying that flawed logic means vegans really want bacon sandwich,cause they doth protest
Some bridie types clearly find it incomprehensible that one doesn't want to marry.

[ExpatAl]

I didn't say you secretly wanted to be a bride. But when people are are obsessively offensive about a group of people it indicates a dissatisfaction with an area of their life so I made a wild guess.

[scottishmummy]

Let's be clear op made 5posts stating dp doesn't want to marry her,
Op has not elaborated on his global view on marriage we know his view on marrying her only
is an elaborate interpretation to take his views on marrying op,and make global

[scottishmummy]

Gosh don't get stitch all the back trackin,
doth protest too much commonly means protest about thing one actually desire
Clear inference is I'm lying i secretly desire to be bride but am thwarted so deny it

[CandlestickOlder]

Where has OP said he doesn't want to marry HER specifically, rather than anyone at all?

[fedupofnamechanging]

Who's going to look after the kids though, while the OP is rebuilding her career? As a family, they have decided they want the OP to be a sahm. Given that this makes her vulnerable, the OP's partner should minimise her risks, by giving her the legal protection of marriage or shared ownership of assets etc.

I think you are right, SM, about what the OP needs to do long term if he refuses to give her any protection, but if I was in a relationship with a man who wouldn't give me that protection, well it would be a deal breaker for me.

I think that he's had it too much his own way, so far. If I was the OP, I would be inclined to say that she is unwilling to be a sahm on this basis and he needs to start forking out for child care, so she can start putting herself first.

Sad though, if sah is something they valued for their dc and sad if she has to give that up because he is being selfish. I guess if it matters to the partner that his dc have a sahp, he will have to offer the OP some concrete security.

[scottishmummy]

he has specifically told op we wont marry has given her reasons inc fine as they are.
op describes a direct discussion,he has declined,op stated her obvious preference
its more than clear in op and subsequent posts he wont marry her,thats op point

[FucktidiaBollockberry]

CandlestickOlder, his objections to the marriage were that they couldn't afford it.

That means it's not ideological, as someone else said, it's not a reason, it's an excuse.

Of course he's not going to come out directly and say he'll marry someone else one day if he wants to enough, it's just that he doesn't want to marry the OP. That would draw attention to the elephant in the room wouldn't it? Better to leave it there unremarked.

[scottishmummy]

positives are op says he good partner,obviously thinks hes a keeper,good dad
if they have a solid loving family,are good parents then that is great
may just be they continue to do all that unmarried

[FucktidiaBollockberry]

Yes that's possible.

The OP can choose denial and cognitive dissonance as a self-defence mechanism to help her deal with this.

Lots of women do.

And if he doesn't meet anyone else, then who knows, they may even have a long-lived marriage.

Lots of people do.

[springyhippychick]

Poor OP. Thread totally hijacked

[scottishmummy]

Fucktidia dont impose your psychobabble dribble on op relationship status
If she says dp good dad,good dp you have no factual basis to dispute that
Op clearly thinks a lot of him wants to marry him,loves him.until she comes and says other we need to accept her narrative

[noddyholder]

I am a good partner totally financially independent and a good mother and I didn't want to marry dp when he asked? Would you tell him I was a bad partner and he should ditch me?