Never getting married...how do I get over the upset?

[WeddingUpset]

My 'D'P has basically announced we will never be married. On paper the reasoning is sound (it's a big expense that could be put to other things), but it still makes me feel desperately sad.

How do I get over these feelings? I'm currently sat here quietly sobbing, I just need advice on how to stop feeling this way

[scottishmummy]

This isnt about money,it would cost less than xbox game for marriage licence
He's not married cause he doesn't want to.this isn't money

[Snazzynewyear]

curryeater's suggestion is also a good one. You have a very minimal marriage ceremony now and plan a party in 10 years' time, when your oldest DC turns 18, as a joint christening / birthday party or whatever.

[QuintEggSensuality]

There is another thread here about a mother of 2-3 kids who was with a partner who did not want to marry her. She thought they were happy. Turns out he has now left her high and dry and is marrying another woman he has seen on the side for 6 months.

I would never believe a man who does not believe in marriage. It is just an excuse.

[scottishmummy]

Asked for what,your post was frothy had my day gush and tulle
It's immaterial whether you've got cookery nvq or phD
Your post was v bertex bride,my day.that's what commented upon not your academic record

[piprabbit]

You could put together a breakdown of the cheapest wedding you'd be prepared to accept.
You could suggest that you have a very quiet wedding to get the legalities sorted out - then a big renewal of vows when you can afford a splurge.

But if he really doesn't want to be married, you can't make him. Just please make sure you are protected financially. As an unmarried SAHM with children buy no house, you are very, very vulnerable.

[DontmindifIdo]

Unmarried woman really shouldn't be SAHMs. And in your case, you don't live in a house that he owns, he owns one elsewhere but you rent, this is the worse case situation for you and your DCs.

Sit him down, explain the legal side, ask him what sort of state you and his DCs would be in if he was hit by a bus tomorrow. Who would inherit his money? How would you cope financially? Point out that drawing up a will for each of you often costs exactly the same as a registery office wedding. This is before you look at how shit a situation you'd be in if he left you.

I would offer him a deal, suggest a purely for legal side of things wedding in the next couple of months, couple of random witnesses, not even having to tell anyone, just to get the legal side covered. Then at a later date when you can afford it, doing a religous or humanist ceromony and party for 'show' (no one needs to know that you've already been married for x number of years at that point)

If he's not prepared to do this, you raelly need to start looking for a job and sorting yourself out so that you can afford to support your DCs just on your wage and the pitance you'd get via the CSA if he left you. If he wants a legal get out option, then whatever he says, he's not commited to you.

(Also never assume a man having DCs with you suggests he is committed to you, you can be committed to a child without being committed to their mother)

[Squitten]

As others have said OP, the important point is that you are protected as a SAHM. I would be insistent on getting that sorted out, either by a marriage or going to a solicitor.

If he's unwilling to protect you legally, you have bigger issues than a wedding!

[Timetoask]

If a man wants to have a family with me and plan his life with me, then he needs to show some commitment. For me the only way to show that commitment is to get married. I will not have children with someone who is not prepared to show me he is in it for the long run.

[scottishmummy]

Utterly depressing 21century so many still equate security with hoping man marry them
Make your own security,contribute to own house,pension.instead of hoping one marries

[FucktidiaBollockberry]

Either he needs to marry you so that you have legal protection, or he needs to pay you for his share of the childcare and housekeeping you're doing so that you have a regular wage and can save for the day he leaves you, or you need to stop doing it and get yourself a wage elsewhere.

You are in an incredibly vulnerable position. Please don't "get over it" or bury your head in the sand about it. You need to face up to it.

[curryeater]

Oh yeah, also, I agree with the poster who said something like "men who say they are never getting married are doing it as a power thing". Like, not only do they not have any legal or financial responsibility for your material wellbeing, having used you as free childcare and whatever else all these years, but also there is usually some utterly dickish part of their pathetic sloping-skull heads that gets off on announcing that they will never get married, like they're Hemingway or something: no bitch gonna tame this wild stallion, no way. Fuck's sake. Grow up. You are not 16. It is not a badge of honour to have managed to wriggle out of responsbilities that real men step up to.

[FucktidiaBollockberry]

God yes Curryeater they're appalling.

I've got no problem with someone who genuinely believes it's a patriarchal institution which is a load of shit. But the macho types - euuurgh.

By the way OP, if you get a job, don't assume that childcare costs come out of your wages - they come out of his as well, he should pay proportionately from what he earns.

Lots of women make the mistake of thinking they can't afford to work because for some reason, they believe themselves to be solely responsible for childcare costs, even though they're not single parents. [buhmm]

[scottishmummy]

A man can only exert power via marriage,if woman gives him that power
Instead of hoping for security via aerate,dirt your self,uour own security
All Unmarried men aren't all redneck and all marrieds aren't gentlemen

[curryeater]

I know scottishmummy, I am not married to my dp who is a real gentleman. But he has taken time off work to be a SAHD, does not boast about never getting married, and has taken as much of a financial hit by having children as me.

[AnnieLobeseder]

FucktidiaBollockberry - it's not entirely true that some women think they are solely responsible for childcare, it's just that when they do the maths, it turns out that the family is worse off when they are in work than when they are out of work. If the family pools all finances, as is usually the case, childcare comes out of the general pot. But when the new salary going in is less than the childcare coming out, the family has less money and may not be able to afford to pay bills.

This is somewhat of a bugbear of mine. When I took 18 months off because my family couldn't afford for me to be in work with two sets of nursery fees and grumbled about it, I had endless helpful people telling me that the childcare should come out of my DH's salary too. The semantics of who was paying were irrelevant - we would have lost our home if I'd gone out to work.

[Lueji]

In general I do think men who have an objection to marriage just haven't met the woman they want to marry.

In my experience this is very true.

[fedupofnamechanging]

SM, it's all very well saying the OP should sort out her own house and pension, but the OP is a sahm who has moved to a new place for the benefit of her partner. How exactly is she supposed to do as you say? The best advice we can give her is to not just calmly swallow what her partner is saying, but to assert her own wishes and get to the truth of why he doesn't want to marry her.

fwiw, I would say exactly the same to a sahd. The unmarried sahp is always vulnerable, unless they are independently wealthy or own property.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Also, marriage is no guarantee that your dh will be nice or faithful or never leave you, but it does mean he cannot just bugger off with no consequences.

[scottishmummy]

Yes thats my advice,not sit moping and hoping til he ask marriage which he may not
Op should look to build her own security,contribute own pension and share childcare costs with dp
This is depressing reading hoping marriage make op secure.op can study, retrain,work

[DontmindifIdo]

If you don't have the legal security of marriage, you should do whatever you can to build your own career - even if in the short term that means what goes into the family pot is less than comes out in childcare and travel costs. A man who won't marry wants the option to leave, regardless of what other excuse he gives (and the cost of the wedding and wanting to put on a show are excuses, these are not valid reasons not to get married). Even if he doesn't leave, you'd be very stupid not to prepare for the possibility.

He is insisting on keeping his options open, if he cares about you at all he should be prepared to do everything he can to help you also keep your options open. If he won't then he doesn't really like you all that much.

[nalubeadsgirl]

I left my first fiance because he simply wouldn't walk down the aisle - everything else really was great, but it was a deal breaker to me. He said he didn't see the importance. My argument was, well if you don't see the importance, it won't bother you to do it will it when you see how important it is to me! In other words, it was more about his lack of respect for me if that makes sense. (as in, he wasn't bothered I was upset, he still wasn't going to change his mind)

My friend has just walked down the aisle with her man who was adamant (after 15 odd years and 3 kids) that he would never marry her. SOMEHOW she managed to wear him down. And I mean, wear him down. She had the wedding booked within 2 mins of him proposing (hardly proposing, just said, fine we'll do it then) and wed him within 2 months.

I went to the wedding. It was the most unromantic thing I have ever been to.

Surely if someone doesn't want to marry you that should ring alarm bells?

Forcing someone to do something they really don't want to do (for whatever reason) is never going to end well.

Money is bullshit. It's what, £400 for a church service? Dress off ebay for £150. A wedding doesn't have to be a huge affair. Ours is costing hardly anything. First fiance used that excuse too. Ten years on, I can see that he just didn't want to marry me, and the day when we would have enough money would never come!

You need to have an honest chat with him, and make sure he knows how much you really want to be married to him.

Only then can you decide if it's a dealbreaker if he still says no.

I'm sorry if I'm being direct, but it took me 5 years to walk away, and with hindsight, I should have listened to the warning signs. Of course, never an issue if actually being married isn't something you want either!

[DontmindifIdo]

BTW - if anyone says "yes but X% of marriages end in divorce, it doesn't mean he won't leave you just because you are married" are missing the point of the legal protection for a SAHP (or even just a lower earning one) - a relationship that is happy and long lasting, ending in the death of the lower earning/not earning partner in old age once the DCs have flown the nest is not a relationship that needs the legal protection of marriage.

A relationship that breaks down or where the sole earner dies when DCs are still children and dependant is one that needs the legal protection of marriage.

[springyhippychick]

Blimey, you are totally exposed here OP. You have absolutely no security at all.

I'm just wondering why you were 'sobbing quietly' - was it because kids in the house, or is your relationship one where showing your feelings isn't acceptable?

I'm also wondering why he 'gives' you money. ie he has it, he doles it out. You're sounding rather like a kept woman from where I'm standing.

If you can both afford you being a SAHM then it looks like there's plenty of money floating about - certainly enough for a wedding, and certainly enough to buy the house you live in.

Your story sounds very fishy to me. You have made all the sacrifices and got precisely zilch in return. Your legal standing leaves you entirely exposed on every possible front.

[springyhippychick]

Do you meekly go along with everything he says? ie in practise - you may or may not make a fuss but the bottom line is that you do what he says.

He's calling all the shots here.