Never getting married...how do I get over the upset?

[WeddingUpset]

My 'D'P has basically announced we will never be married. On paper the reasoning is sound (it's a big expense that could be put to other things), but it still makes me feel desperately sad.

How do I get over these feelings? I'm currently sat here quietly sobbing, I just need advice on how to stop feeling this way

[tribpot]

I agree no-one can compel a partner to marry. But he has stated it is not a philosophical objection but a financial one (cost of wedding rather than cost of divorce!). Solve the financial aspect and in theory he should agree, unless he has other reasons for not wanting to marry. Which is entirely his right, but he should be honest with the OP about what they are.

I get the impression from her repeated 'I just have to get over it' comments that this is basically what he's said to her as well - which I don't think is a particularly sympathetic way of dealing with a disagreement about something fairly fundamental.

[EdithWeston]

NoK only really matters if you're abroad when an accident happens and the jurisdiction is stricter. Or if his family loathe you and insist on their primacy.

The big differences are that: property is not assumed to be 50/50 owned, so it goes with who has legal title. if not jointly owned, then one partner is (literally) left with nothing. Best case is a residency order until any minor children are of age. Household 'contributions' (mortgage/rent payments, paying bills etc) will not count at all. Big items of moveable property, such as cars, jewellery, gadgets etc will not be split, they stay with legal owner too.

Pensions - probably do pay to non-marital partners, but you need to check as there are still some which don't.

State bereavement benefits do not pay unless married/CP. And IHT exemption cannot be claimed either. The latter is valuable.

[flowery]

What is this "sound argument" he makes? Because not being able to afford a fancy wedding is by no stretch of the imagination a sound argument for not getting married.

Sounds like an excuse to me tbh.

[scottishmummy]

Men don't allows women to make "sacrifices" for family.women chose to do so
The choice is influenced by culture,upbringing,expectation but it's mire than being allowed
Chose wisely,weigh up pro and con ESP long term

[Lavenderhoney]

If you go about putting all the legal framework and contracts etc in place that would be necessary to all intents and purposes as though you were married, getting married is easier, cheaper and much more fun/ value for money.

Do your dc have his surname? If you thought one day you would get married, I guess they do?

The appearances thing is a red herring to me. It just doesn't make sense. Why would friends and family care if you dont splash out on a massive wedding? He shouldn't put their unsubstantiated feelings before yours anyhow. If anyone asks why you aren't getting married, will you say the truth or brush it off with a " we don't want to" which will perhaps get you down?

Go through all the legal implications of marriage, house, wills, pensions, guardianship for dc should anything happen to him or you or both, pensions, life insurance the lot, his bank account - what happens to it if he dies, and vice versa. . It's only a piece of paper yes, but an extremely important piece of paper that protects you and your dc and your dh.

[WeddingUpset]

Wow, so many replies. Thankyou all for taking the time to reply.

I don't believe he is controlling or keeping me at arms length, it really is just this issue. Thanks to those of you who have pointed out the legal aspects, I hadn't quite realised this and I don't think he does either. Will definitely bring this up with him.

I'd never leave because of this issue (well I think I'd consider it once we've discussed the legalities and he still says no) as I don't think it's fair on the children, we are fine as we are (so to speak). I think I may be romanticising the idea, will need to have a talk about the practicalities of it with him.

*just a quick bit about our situation for those asking. We rent the house we are in now, he owns a house that he rents out. We moved here as its closer to his work. I'm a SAHM, I get CB and CTC plus he gives me money (he also pays all bills), but if I did need any more he wouldn't withhold it. I do have a 'just-in-case' fund if I ever did need to leave.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP... the spiteful people who would judge you for a small-scale wedding are the same spiteful people who would judge you for having children without being married - and you've already done that... So how would he like those keeping-up-appearances apples?

Does that help?

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I agree that you need to focus on legal protections.

Fine, he doesn't want to get married, but he can't leave you all so legally vulnerable.

If he doesn't want to marry, then he needs to sort out wills, and insurances and all that stuff that gives you as many of the same rights and securities as possible.

If he doesn't want to do that then you will at least know the reason he doesn't want to marry.

[fedupofnamechanging]

You are in a vulnerable position then. You have no claim on the house he owns and if you did split up, you would not get spousal support from him, only a small payment for the dc. Your 'just in case' fund would not last very long.

Now it might be that he has no idea of how vulnerable you are, but you need to make this crystal clear. Remember that he will probably promise to see you right if you did split, but should that happen, there is nothing in law to compel him to keep that promise. Plenty of women on here have found that out the hard way.

I know that if this was me, if I made my position clear and he still didn't do something to protect me, I would start making my arrangements for a life without him.

I think if you had a career and decent income of your own, you could afford to not be married in a financial sense, but as a sahm, you really need to be as protected as possible.

[scottishmummy]

Op you'll get all the dogmatic marriage/security or walk responses.great online kickass
Utter tosh in real life to recommend split up family on this basis
Sort nok with gp,insurance policies etc and accept you're overall happy,unmarried but overall happy

[Wishiwasanheiress]

A wedding is as expensive as u make it. Cost out properly what u would like to do. Present it to him. Ask again why not. There's bigger reasons than £ I'm betting.

[Newmumsuchfun]

I apologise that I havent read all the threads but couldnt read post and not comment.
1st. A marriage can cost hardly anything at all! a divorce is expensive!
2nd. i always desperately wanted to get married. married first man who asked and it lasted 8 months. oh dear! BUT.... i got my wish, i had my day and i can b happy knowing i experienced it.
3rd when a man says "i'll never get married" i think it is a power thing. They are basically saying they wont compromise and they are holding that power over u. annoys me that some1 thinks they have the right to deprive u of that experience in ur life - whether it be good or bad.if he knows its important to u yet says "i'll never give it to you". it's very unreasonable.

[scottishmummy]

If woman wouldn't marry but man keen,would responses still be effusive yea do it?
Or is this one of the lingering gender imbalances,eg marriage to financially protect,sign commitment
Is it assumed marriage beneficial,desirable for women,and if men dont they let woman down?

[Newmumsuchfun]

to add... either sort out a compromise where u r both happy or you have to decide if you are the sort of person who could cope with not being given the chance to do what u want. i am not that type of person. i went out wth a bloke once who said "i will never go to Paris!" .... so i went on my own. Arse!
I hated being married .... but that's another story!

[QuintEggSensuality]

If he does not want to marry you, you need to ensure you are not so vulnerable and dependent on him financially. He can walk out any moment without a backwards glance, and how are you going to pay your rent and put food on the table?

Find a job, being a sahm is an unsound luxury an unmarried sahm cannot afford.

If he wont spend his money on YOU ensure he spends money on his childrens childcare costs.

[QuintEggSensuality]

"being a sahm is an unsound luxury an unmarried sahm cannot afford." should say:
being a sahm is an unsound luxury an unmarried mother cannot afford.

[scottishmummy]

No man has power over woman via decision to marry or not.only if she gives him that power
Reading that had my day,I thought I'd hurl.is that zenith of woman being?marriage
but then I've never dreamt of being married.my achievements are graduations,kids

[DuckworthLewis]

Can I just remind everyone that there is no such thing as 'Next of Kin' in the UK (apart from matters of mental health care)

Even if you are married, your spouse will not automatically inherit everything unless there is a valid will.

Unless specifically written in trust, life insurance payouts go to form part of the deceased's estate and are dealt with under the rules of intestacy.

Its such a common misconception; really suggest people read up on the subject.

[FucktidiaBollockberry]

"I would be very wary of a man who would allow me to make sacrifices, put my security at risk and have children with him, but who wasn't prepared to make a commitment that I deeply valued."

That.

He's got a house he rents out, which presumably he's benefiting from, while you pay joint rent together?

Man, he's covered his arse and exposed your's hasn't he?

Sorry, I think he's got no commitment to your relationship and one day he'll walk and leave you in the shit.

It's not a question of "leave the bastard". I think sooner or later he'll leave you. He's clearly not committed to you.

How you deal with that now, how you try and re-cover some of your arse, is up to you.

[scottishmummy]

Medical Nok covered down thread,yes there no legal construct nok.lot misconceptions
Make will,dp inform that op is nok,amend insurance policies

[curryeater]

You do not "need to get over it", do not dismiss your own feelings in that way, even if someone else is.

Do you think that your dp actively does not want to be married to you? If so, you have a more serious problem.

If really is just about the money, it's easy. You have a cheap legal wedding now, and a huge frou-frou renewal of vows when you can afford it.

There are all sorts of variations on these themes, but if you can't discuss them with your partner because he just says "no", and has ingenius obstacles to throw in the way of everything you suggest, then I would seriously investigate whether he really wants to be with you permanently, and even the possibility that he is, gittishly, limiting his liabilities should you split, which he has not ruled out.
I think you are terribly upset - not because, as he is trying to convince you, you are pettily hung up on something expensive and pointless which you have no right to care about (by the way, you have the right to care about anything you want); but because you suspect he is sending you a message (not deliberately), a not-nice message, which means serious bad things for you and your relationship. Get to the bottom of this. Who knows what is going on (certainly not me), but you owe it to yourself to find out what is going on here.

[scottishmummy]

Well we at it there's no such thing as common life wife benefits

[Snazzynewyear]

scottishmummy yep, I would say the same if it was the man was keen. I am in the school of thought that the person who says 'marriage doesn't matter to me' should be willing to do something meaningless/trivial to them for the sake of their partner if it does matter very much to the partner. After all, if it's 'just a piece of paper' why the angst about signing that piece of paper? If it's pointless, why not indulge your other half for the 15 mins a registry office ceremony will take?

Of course if partner is demanding a big showy ceremony, doves released, free bar and designer wedding outfit, then that's different and someone who does't want that kind of wedding should be fine to object - but OP has said that's not the case here.

In the OP's case, the money issue has been the main reason given for not doing it, so - as posters have already said - this need to be addressed on 3 fronts:

1 - It doesn't have to cost a lot. We can marry on a very small budget.
2 - It gives important legal status to me and our children.
3 - It is extremely important to me personally and would make me extremely happy.

OP, do you think your partner would pursue his 'sound on paper' arguments in response to the above? Why not try these points on him and find out?

[Newmumsuchfun]

ok scottishmummy! you asked for it. First off - thanks for assuming i have no other ambitions. I have two degrees and am studying a masters. i have a career and a child and have many other ambitions as you put it in life. wanting to get married doesnt make me any less of a woman. It was something i wanted to experience.just like i would want to experience child birth or travel to certain places. If the man i was with said "im never going to do that" that is completely a power thing as they hold that power over you. and i am not ashamed to say i had my day - i did! and it was lovely.
and to try and ignore the gender differences in this is flippin ridiculous - we are talking about marriage!! come on.